KIDS, QUOTES 
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03.10.2010
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and he was right.
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your hair looks like a letter M.
what alex said to marty just after she get out of bed one morning.
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KIDS, ART
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03.09.2010
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rock star
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bella turned nine last saturday and had her first party where the invitation did not read, "please do not bring a present". after last year's party, bella respectfully asked marty if we could remove that line from next year's invite. and so it happened.
when it came time to open presents, a big huddle gathered around bella and kids were shoving presents at her with shouts of open mine next and this one's from me and mine's the one with the fancy paper. one after another bella opened the presents and squealed and shrieked with delight at each turn. just looking at her reaction you would think that (a) each parcel contained a boxful of puppies or that (b) bella leads a terribly deprived life and never receives presents (although this was for sure her most decadent day ever).
i sat in a corner of the room and took in bella's wonderfully animated reaction to each gift. truth told, the gifts she was getting were both (a) right up her alley showing bella's friends know her well and (b) pretty dang cool toys. about midway through the production, i saw one of the boy partygoers stepping away from the group and looking dejected. before i could approach him, another mother went to him knelt down to talk with him. when they were done i went to this mother and asked her if everything was ok. she said that the boy was afraid that bella wasn't going to like his present and he was embarrassed. concerned and thinking out loud i said i should try to get to bella to tell her to make sure to treat everyone equally but didn't know how i could do this without making it obvious given the gaggle of children crowding her on the couch. the mother, a good friend of marty's and a big fan of bella's put her hand on my arm, smiled and said it would be ok and that i didn't have to worry and bella would handle it just fine. i looked at this woman and her quiet confidence in my daughter encouraged me to sit back.
i re-took my seat and waited. when this boy's present was finally put before bella she began extracting the card, peeling it open like charlie bucket would a wonka bar. in it was a hand-drawn card the boy made. the picture depicted a horse race which showed a horse and rider about to cross the finish line. written above this horse was YOU - 1ST and then behind this rider was writing pointing to a horse off the page which said ME - 2ND. after bella took in this card you would have thought she had gotten two boxes of puppies. she looked at the boy and gave a shrill cry of happiness and said that she could tell he knew how much she loved horses. he looked down at his fidgeting feet, a small bashful smile covering his face. scarring moment averted.
later in the day, after the guests had gone home, bella and i were walking through our neighborhood. i asked her about that moment and what happened. she said that she saw that he, the boy, looked sad and she thought it might have something to do with his gift so she made sure he knew she appreciated whatever he brought.
not a bad start to nine. i'm just a little dismayed, a friend of the family knew bella would pull it off before i did.
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HUMOR, VIDEO
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03.05.2010
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your friday chuckle.
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KIDS, PARENTING
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03.04.2010
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still holding out
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a few weeks ago marty was out with a group of mom's from the kids elementary school. at several points through the evening women would break away from the conversation to call home and check in on the dads and the state of bedtime.
when one woman called, one of her kids, a first grader, answered. the mom asked how things were going the kid answered by saying, "johnny's being a dickhead." the woman's head dipped, she massaged her temples, paused and said, "put your dad on please."
obviously marty would never get a report like that from her house. not because her kids are above such blue language but because marty still doesn't have a cellphone.
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KIDS, PARENTING, HYGIENE
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03.03.2010
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i know plenty of folks who could benefit from anthony-like candor.
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bella was messing with anthony and he got upset. marty entered the scene and told anthony that if he didn't like what bella was doing he could tell her so. with this counsel, anthony turned to bella and said "bewah, you are breaking my spirit!"
if marty can do that with a three year old just imagine what she could achieve with someone who actually cared if they were sitting in their own feces.
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KIDS, PARENTING, FAMILY
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03.02.2010
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another one of those moments
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in our home we have a bedtime hour. in this hour, every motion, action and thought is to be directed at the transition from being a foul, bristling, engaged, sporting, singing, learning, living, sassing young person to a sound asleep human. this is an all hands on deck affair and anything short of full participation has the home listing and fighting the currents.
last night, just seven minutes into the bedtime hour, i found myself locked up with bella on what began as a simple matter of semantics. i learned long ago that heated debate is not a conducive facet of the bedtime hour, but here on this night, i was fully engaged. this distraction left alex and anthony free to bury each other in the multitude of blankets and comforters piled on a bed. seeing this, i ordered them to the bathroom to go potty and brush their teeth. after studying my taut tone for the briefest of moments, they complied. bella and i proceeded down our path. just as i (and the beloved art of logic) was making headway, alex dashed into the room saying, "look at what anthony did." i studied him and saw nothing. i asked him what anthony did. alex turned to show a long smear of fluorescent tooth paste down the back of his shirt. ANTHONY! STOP PUTTING TOOTH PASTE ON YOUR BROTHER! i ignored his return plea of, "but, i like putting toothpaste on yallix." i returned my attention to bella. as we continued our slow trek to understanding marty called up the stairs, "i have to run some cookies across midland. i'll be back in a few." at this hour, with this start, i'm unable to count the number of bad things that could go down in "a few" minutes. but here we were.
digging out begins with a single shovelful of dirt. i looked at bella and said, "i hear your point but i hope you hear mine. i needed you to do something and i took the time to explain why i needed you to do it. in the future i need you work with me on that." with as much compliance and respect you could expect from a willful eight year old girl, bella turned to begin her bedtime ritual. i turned to alex, asked him to lift his arms up and pulled the soiled shirt over his head and told him to follow me. i walked to the bathroom and pulled the toothpaste out of anthony's hand, picked his protesting frame up under my arm, walked him to his room, threw him in his bed, and told him if he got out i was going to frazzle his biscuits and make him sleep on the garage roof. by some karmic credit i accrued in a previous life, everyone was asleep within the hour.
if there is a human (non-sleeping) restful state such as the peace a person meditating finds, the experience of wrangling unwilling, untamed children without the use of physical trauma is the opposite of that restful state. and were you to remove all life-threatening scenarios from the picture, this act of directing children stands as one of the most trying human endeavors an adult can navigate. that said, we've had our share of moments where a call to 911 was surely in the cards, placing these matters occasionally into the life-threatening category (although, that is not the exact spirit i am talking about here).
and, to be fair, while marty isn't one of the most diligent practitioners of the bedtime hour given she's essentially been in a form of the bedtime hour all day at this point, she also does not typically leave the home and the night i described above was an unusual exception. but she may have also seen the dark cloud forming in my study and chose to save herself from the next fateful (and unpredictable) eleven minutes that unfolded in the upstairs of our home during the bedtime hour.
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HUMOR, VIDEO
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02.26.2010
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in case you haven't laughed yet this week
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WEB
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02.25.2010
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HYGIENE, KIDS
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02.24.2010
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it's kinda like the old wall to floor urinals of the 50's
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alex prefers to pee in the bathtub. and i don't mean just when he's getting a bath. i mean all the time.
this may almost certainly be attributed to the long, luxurious stints his sister spends on the toilet reading chapter books. truth is you have a three in five chance of finding her perched on the commode when you enter our home's only bathroom. and it seems it happens with enough frequency alex has decided to not fight the fight and just use the tub as a matter of course. so, when he enters the bath he stops short of the toilet (wether it is occupied or not), turns towards the tub, throws the curtain to the side, pulls his pants down, hangs his business over the tub's edge and lets loose.
and hear this (as alex would say), when he's done and before he turns to wash his hands, he reaches up and briefly turns on the shower sending a quick burst of water into the tub to send any residual signs of his visit down the drain. it's his flush.
i've yet to use his move. when i find bella camped out i shoo her away telling her she has had more than her share of time on our family's only pot. that said, i will admit, watching the way alex handles his affairs with such panache and flair has made me consider joining his camp on more than one occasion.
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PARENTING
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02.23.2010
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tread lightly children, especially after nine.
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marty told me about a house rule some friends of ours have. the rule loosely states that the mother is done being a parent come 9pm. the rule less loosely states that if you need anything reviewed, fixed, cleaned, spoken to, mended, treated, approved, addressed, or checked get it done before the nine o'clock hour.
this law came about after one of their kids asked the mother for help doing her due-tomorrow homework at 9:30 one night. the mom glanced at the page handed to her and then at the kid. the kid asked what the problem was. the mom replied that everything written on the page was in french. the kid asked if that was a problem. seconds after the last question was uttered the child was sent to bed (with her unfinished homework assignment in hand). and seconds after the child was sent to bed the off at nine law came into being.
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VIDEO
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02.19.2010
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playing unfair
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PHOTO, FRIENDS
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02.18.2010
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i cannot tell you how much i wish i took this picture.
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i know not one but two of the fellas in this picture which makes me one acquaintance shy of knowing all three people in one of the best-ever photos chronicling american society.
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HEALTH
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02.17.2010
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fumes
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after having been a parent for weeks shy of nine years, my first piece of paternal advice, not that you're asking, would be to respect sleep. get sleep. give sleep. mandate sleep. enforce sleep. people are just not properly performing or interacting or experiencing life or one another when they don't have enough sleep.
please note that i'm writing this at 2:30am. i just arrived home from work which might be why sleep is so on my mind. (note: i did take a break in the evening to eat dinner with the family, play a round of ogre and help put the kids to bed.)
now i'm going to take my own sage and wise advice and go get some sleep.
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KIDS, PHOTO, ART
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02.16.2010
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hallmark's days are numbered
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if you came by early yesterday you may have not seen the day's post. i made a mistake entering the date and it didn't show up until later in the morning. so if you missed it, you may want to read yesterday's valentines post before reading this one.
regarding yesterday's post, more than one person wondered what marty's card looked like. and more than one person wondered if there was a reason i didn't share hers and was it because it was better than mine or that it was way NOT better than mine or that i'm self-centered or pouty or selfish or i want all the attention to myself and the answer is, yes.
and for those who thought that the thoughtfulness and sentiment contained in my card couldn't be beaten, prepare to stand corrected.
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KIDS, PHOTO, ART
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02.15.2010
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everything but a hot stone massage
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sunday morning i was brought from sleep at 7:15 with a kiss on my forehead and the words "happy valentines day dad." it was bella. she then whispered, as to not wake up alex who was sleeping next to me, that my breakfast was sitting on the windowsill next to me for when i woke up "for real". she then quietly exited the room. some minutes later i cracked my eyes and lifted my head to peer at the window she referenced. on it rested a tupperware platter with two pieces of freshly made french toast, a puddle of syrup, and a glass of sweet tea with hand-crushed ice.
marty who was sleeping with anthony in our bed down the hall received a similar treatment. on each of our trays was a highly detailed, bella-drawn card. on this valentines day my eight year old daughter woke up before 7am, went downstairs by herself and silently made her mother and father french toast, from scratch, and adorned the platters with hand-drawn cards she secretly made earlier in the week.
there have been multiple occasions bella has left me speechless, but never more so than with this completely unexpected and unforeseen gesture of love and kindness. at multiple points throughout the day, i found myself staring at her, in wonder and curiosity and gratitude. at times like this marty calls her a paradox. i don't know that i ever could justly verbalize my thoughts on bella and the way she approaches life. i just know i'm thankful to have the front row seat that i do to watch her wend her way through it.
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HUMOR, VIDEO
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02.12.2010
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dil does what?
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if you're like me (earlier in the week) and haven't yet heard of dimitri martin, you're about to enjoy, for the first time, the smart, comedic stylings of a very talented young man. if you're not like me and consider dimitri last year's news, settle down because there isn't a more re-consumable you tube clip than this large pad spot ... except maybe louis ck's bit on conan.
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KIDS
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02.11.2010
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anfer, still top of the adorable food chain
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in reviewing this week's entries it felt like i needed to give anthony some love (or explain why we haven't yet bartered him to a circus passing through town).
number 67 on the REASONS TO KEEP ANTHONY list is the cute way he has of announcing his hunger which is to say, "my stummy go gummel, gummel" while looking up at you with his big round eyes and gapped and chipped teeth.
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WEB
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02.10.2010
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seven times the troy, ten times the joy.
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you'll notice a new feature here on the monorail, an archive viewer (it will always be just below the most recent post on main monorail page). this tool, which allows you to quickly peruse entries made on (or around) the same day from previous years, is the product of my readership's schizophrenia. meaning, it is not at all uncommon for me to post something and then get feedback that covers the full spectrum of possible opinion. if i post a picture one person will comment on how cute it is. the next person will call me a cop-out for posting an out-of-focus picture instead of writing something original. if i write a long post people will complain that they've got better things to do and i'm an average writer and i should stick to shorter thoughts or pictures. and others yet will say i should delete everything from the site other than the troyscripts. so, you can see why i'm feeling a little off balance. and from this need to please i present the archiver. with this, if you don't like what was most recently posted, you can pop though and pick something from the last seven years in search of something that may more closely suit your particular needs.
and as for why i stop at seven years. it is my observation i was a complete bore before i had children. this is obviously not to say i'm still not a bore, it's just to say that now that i have funny, little humans underfoot, i have more, less boorish, things to talk about.
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PHOTO, KIDS
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02.09.2010
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welcome to the weekend
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for those that thought yesterday's homage to life with anthony was tame for one of our children, you were impressively right. i wasn't implying that that was an example of true anthony chaos. not at all. that was actually an example of anthony being cute.
if i wanted to tell of an anthony-disaster, i would have told of last friday when i came home from work. the first thing i found upon walking in the door was marty and alex curled up on the chair and a half, under a blanket, talking quietly. this was one of the closest and warmest moments i can recall seeing them share. i gave them a wave, dropped my bag on the bench and bounced upstairs to change clothes. when i arrived to the top step i was met with a haphazard trail of white viscous fluid that travelled the entire length of the hallway and turned into every doorway it passed. it looked like a giant Jurassic slug had been slithering the halls, leaving its telling trail behind. upon further investigation i learned that it was anthony walking around with a full liquid soap dispenser pinned to his chest with one forearm while pumping it effortfully with his free hand. obviously this close body technique meant he had smears of the white liquid covering his forearm and pantlegs. fact is, given how hard he had to work to manage the awkward (and now slippery) pumper, an impressive amount of the soap was clearing his body and making it onto the hardwood.
when he saw me enter the room he gave me a big toothy grin. i began scolding his choice, grabbed the bottle from him with one hand and picked him up by the armpit with the other. i carried him at arms length while tiptoeing over the soap smears to the bathtub and dropped him in there. hearing the ruckus, marty appeared. she put a hand on my shoulder and told me to go change and go downstairs and set up for movie night. i looked at her for a moment and then decided to take her up on this smart offer. when marty and anthony later joined us downstairs for the start of the movie, she said when those things happen, you just have to calmly explain the rule, clean it up, and move on. this varies considerably from my solution of yelling loudly, beating children randomly, and creating moments my kids would go on to talk to shrinks about for unforeseen decades to come.
in my defense, here's another bit of anthony's handi-work. and when this happened, bella and alex, owners of the wagons, would have firmly voted for my yelling and beating program in this particular instance
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MUSIC, VIDEO
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02.05.2010
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i got some serious, like, gansta skill, ya know, on the mark
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what follows is an unusual type of content for this site but someone sent it to me and it stands as one of the most surreal and mesmerizing things i've seen in some time. if i had to liken it to something i would call it a mashup of the castle, an american movie, multiple david lynch films sprinkled with various other movie and music influences too numerous to name.
caution: there are some naughty words and stamping visuals so if such things vex you, may i suggest some old parker lewis clips instead.
and there's definitely more humor at their website including a more ambitiously produced ninja video.
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KIDS, ART
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02.04.2010
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you better find something to do or i'll find something for ya!
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in case you're in a pinch for something good to do, i thought i'd share bella's LIST OF THINGS TO DO. that #1 wasn't to "make a list of things to do" was a little disappointing to me but she more than made up for it in the long run.
28 and 23 would be my first two picks were i pushed to select.
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KIDS
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02.03.2010
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convicted
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bella's anti-pajama boycott is still going strong. she is now in her third week. i'm fearful to tell you the politicking required to convince her it was ok to take them off so i could wash them on laundry days. during the negotiation i asked bella if other kids were doing this? she said, "no just me. it's my funny but usual way."
this morning when bella asked for help getting the pantlegs of her jeans pulled over her pajamas, marty paused for a moment to ask what bella's end goal with this was. bella said it was to get the world pajama-wearing world record. marty asked what the current record was and how long she had to go. bella confessed to not knowing the answer to this. i told bella this was great news because that meant she had to have it by now and could stop wearing the pajamas. the look bella gave me told me that this argument did not hold weight with her.
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WEB
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02.01.2010
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GEEK, FRIENDS, COMPUTER, QUOTES
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01.29.2010
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iMaxiPad
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there's a large contingent of folks who have me pegged as this apple zealot when in actuality among my circle of folks there are many more ravenous mac consumers than myself. fact is, i'm probably one of the most technology skeptical people around, although given my profession, it is a detail about myself i'm reasonable good at chesting. but this skepticism, ironically, also makes me reasonably good at what i do.
still, every time apple releases a new morsel, all sorts of folks i've known come out of the woodwork to pick fights, debate nuances, compare thoughts, and consider implications. this is a role i typically don't mind, even enjoy to a degree, but for some reason this last round about the iPad got me gassy by day's end. i think my angst comes from the fact that many people act like we've been wallowing in our own urine for centuries waiting for such groundbreaking technologies so we as a people can advance to some higher plane when in fact this iPad device and others like it will actually do much to undermine the act and art of reading.
my cumulative sentiment can probably be satisfactorily gleaned through this email excerpt from an exchange i had with bookguy yesterday (and in the name of full disclosure, i contacted him given a surprising post made on his web site)
our office was immensely non-plussed by the announcement. for andrew to not be first in line for a new apple technology is wholly unprecedented and says quite a lot about the offering.
i find it to be a totally uninspired and non-compelling bauble. but i also feel it is an absolutely necessary step to get these eReaders and tablet devices to a place where like technologies need to be. you could liken it to the mac cube which was commercially a flop but instrumental to subsequent innovations.
the kindle is a way more thoughtful and practical eReader device, and even it is still not where it needs to be and has many game-ending shortcomings. the touted 10 hours of battery on the iPad is laughable. first off, you probably only get that 10 hours if you have all functions and features turned off, the screen dimmed out and are just looking at it. if you're actually using it (with its features in play) i reckon you get less than half that advertised duration and this in something designed to be a mobile/portable object.
and people talk about it being smaller and a more compact technology solution. this would be true if you could dump all of your other machines and devices but you can't and since you can't you're actually broadening your tech footprint and adding exponential complexity to your tech dependencies and cost.
for that same money you could fund a close friend to travel to your city, play a round or two of tennis, and treat him to a fine steak dinner which i feel would, in the end, be a more enriching and satisfying use of your finances. especially when that friend is me.
why i haven't been invited to do technology reviews for numerous publications yet is well beyond me.
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GEEK, HOW-TO, COMPUTER, QUOTES
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01.28.2010
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i was kicked off AOL 32 hours after opening the account
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when my boss interviews technology people, there is a question he likes to ask towards the end of an interview. if the conversation is going well and he's liking the candidate, he will ask them, "what is the most fun you've ever had with a computer?" then after a pregnant pause and gauging their initial reaction to the question, he adds, "that you can talk about in a job interview."
one of my personal hobbies is collecting thoughtful thoughts. i don't care what the focus or the nature of the thought is, only that it was born out of thoughtfulness. this interview question is one of my collection favorites.
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KIDS
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01.27.2010
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trouble ahead
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once a year bella and alex's school has a pajama day where all the kids get to wear their pajamas to school. this day, to say the least, is wildly popular among the little ones.
at some point during this last pajama day someone must have asked if they could wear their pajamas the next day. to this, the principal of the school said that they could not and you could only wear pajamas on pajama day.
four days after pajama day, i saw bella getting ready for school. she was pulling her pants on over her pajama bottoms and we had the following conversation.
TROY
what are you doing bell?
BELLA
putting on my pants.
TROY
but your pajamas are still on.
BELLA
i know.
TROY
well aren't you going to take them off.
BELLA
no.
TROY
uhhm. ok.
three days after that bella wore her pajamas to alex's soccer game, sans outer clothing. during the game an older student from the school who helps with the coaching asked bella why she was wearing her pajamas. she told him that she had been wearing them since pajama day. he said that was over a week ago. she she said, 'yup'. he leaned into me and asked if she's been wearing those pajamas all week. i glanced at bella and remembered her pulling her pants on over them and replied that as far as i knew she has been.
it's now four days beyond that and bella's still holding strong. the scary part is she's not boasting about it or touting some point she's trying to prove. she's just waging a quiet battle against an invisible foe called principle. i can't wait until she swings these guns around in my direction to prove some point or subtlety to me.
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MUSIC, VIDEO
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01.22.2010
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in the event you haven't yet seen this
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i'm mystified on multiple levels by this.
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KIDS, PERSONAL
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01.21.2010
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i think you took a wrong turn pal
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the kids were getting ready for bed. marty and i were in bella and alex's room. i fell into bella's lower bunk bed. marty wanting to tell me something grabbed a stool and sat on the side of the bed. she began filling me in on some school-related matters for alex. she paused waiting for me to say something.
TROY
i think i would have loved having a bunk bed when i was a kid
MARTY
would you have wanted the top or bottom bunk.
TROY
bottom. then i would have hung curtains so it was like a fort. i would have put a shelf up on the wall to hold my books. and had a light, like bella's, so i could read. it would have been awesome.
MARTY
my brother matt had a shelf next to his bed. he was on the top. i remember when he was gone i'd climb up there and look at the stuff on his shelf. he had an small engine he built that you could turn on and it would make lights flash. and he had a little silver radio with a circle dial. that was the first portable radio i ever saw. on sundays matt would sit up in his bed and listen to some guys top 100 countdown. i remember i'd hear the pop songs from the hall and think how i liked this one or that one.
TROY
you didn't go up in the bed and listen with him?
MARTY
oh god no. you only went into the boys room when the boys were away.
shortly thereafter the kids walked in. as soon as bella saw me lazing in her bed she walked to the side, made a hitchhiker thumb and said, "out mister". however much the world changes, there are certain immutable facets that always remain the same.
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WEB, PHOTO
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01.20.2010
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like, don't ya know
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in the event you don't follow such things, the everyman pro is under way and accepting submissions.
and for those who didn't keep score last year, it was anyone's game. especially the macro/abstract category.
so don't play at your own risk. but if you choose to, details may be seen here.
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PERSONAL, KIDS
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01.19.2010
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you can hold my nipple all you want
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marty learned something new about anthony last week. before falling asleep at night, anthony had a habit of reaching up and under marty's shirt. when this happened she would push him away telling him he already nummed (e.g. nursed) and they were done for the night. he would grunt and continue with his wandering hand and the grudge match persisted until he would finally fall asleep. what she has just recently discovered, somehow, is he wasn't looking to nurse, he just wanted to fall asleep while holding her nipple in his fingers.
marty told me the story while making breakfast the morning after she figured this all out. she concluded her revelation by muttering a sarcastic "freak" at the end. after a pregnant pause, i said. "yeah freakshow. how weird" to which marty quickly replied, "nice try. don't think i don't know where he gets this little proclivity from."
hey, at least he got to experience the tap directly. i was bottle-fed.
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