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MONORAIL: MONTHLY VIEW [current]   [random]
SOCIETY (permalink) 06.29.2001

It's more than safe to say that i don't run into the people polled in this survey in my daily machinations.
taken from snapshots

SOCIETY (permalink) 06.28.2001
you might think that, but you'd be wrong
marty recently told me that swimming no longer counts as a bath. since i was on a three day run using this philosophy i asked when this expectation changed? since you became an adult, she replied. assuming this has in fact happened, i have interest in canceling my membership.

COMPUTER (permalink) 06.27.2001
now what?
In order to keep your geek card, one must engage in some overly nerdish act at least annually. To fulfill my obligation this year I took a PowerMac 7100/66 (circa 1993) and brought it into the modern age. After upgrading it to a 300 mhz G3 processor, adding 64 megs of ram and tossing a 4 gig hard drive into it, I suddenly have a mac on my desk that outperforms my primary windows workstation. Not bad for a couple of hundred bucks and a weekend. So until next year when I?m asked to again converse in geekenese I bid you good day.

Oh, and by the way, does anyone know how to use one of these things?

WEB (permalink) 06.25.2001
body art-icle
The first rule of writing states "write what you know about." In perusing my recent entries I have been steadfastly white-knuckling that missive. Quirks of the body, things emanating from the body and obsessive observations of the body have always been a hobby of mine. But, with the interest of you, the reader, in mind I will make attempt to better diversify my content and not post another body or waste related monorail item for at least, uhhhm, four days. To promise anything greater would require me to forget the first rule of writing and while I could possibly do so, the second rule of writing also states, "write what you know about" and this backup instruction would foil my plans to spare you. I bet you never thought that the redundant listing of important philosophies would actually end up biting you in the aspiration one day (look there, it almost got me).

COMPUTER (permalink) 06.23.2001
we will never stop!
if you lived in my world you would know that i just don't post enough geek humor on this site.

SOCIETY (permalink) 06.22.2001
stick 'em up
How has the onus of the toilet seat?s position fallen upon men? We don?t need it down to tend to our lower numbered task, therefore why should we be the one?s expected to manage it willy-nilly all day long. Now think about it. Not only are we asked to put the seat down when we?re done, we are also expected to lift it up before we start. I don?t do that much work professionally; I?m certainly not going to take it on as an elective. If you want it up when not in use, I suggest YOU lift it up. If you need it down to do your deed, by all means, put it down. I know I do when necessary and in fact have never had my delicate cheeks kiss the icy glaze of room temperature commode water because as a civilized creature I have the wherewithal to see if I?m going to go plummeting into a sitz bath before committing to the act.

The only practical path here is that the toilet seat should always be up and comes down only when called upon. This is a win-win for all concerned. The seat stays clean, no one makes any undue assumptions and I don?t get yelled at every time I visit my mother-in-law?s house. Although, should you argue the above points you force my hand ... You force my hand to shake wildly instead of calmly and you force me to whiz on the seat intentionally instead of accidentally. The choice is yours to make.

WEB (permalink) 06.21.2001
ahh man. late again.
I would liken the last year to one of those too awake to sleep but too tired to do anything constructive kinds of states. And, in this stupor, I completely spaced the one-year anniversary of What began as an exercise to learn something about the web and myself has culminated in a gob of words and partial core dump of my mind, the parts I don?t mind my family seeing at least.

For those who said they just didn?t get it, knowing you as I do, I say Thank God! If you did get it, I wouldn?t do it.

For those who claimed it was egocentric and self-aggrandizing, guess what? You?re right. But perhaps after reading the site for a year you might even call it narcissistic.

And for those who visit me every day, week and month I sincerely thank you for showing me that there are other people on the planet as occasionally disinterested in reality as myself.

SOCIETY (permalink) 06.20.2001
for those covert missions when you got the kid along
While cruising bella around, we ran into this hoey-hoey woman with this crazy, souped up baby carriage. I commented on it and she said it was an SUS. After giving her my ?come again in english? face she said ?Oh, I?m sorry that stands for Sports Utility Stroller?.

My brain really hurts sometimes.

QUOTES, FRIENDS (permalink) 06.19.2001
You da man!
The only man keeping you down is the one you look at in the mirror every morning.
Matthew Feldt
(Matthew is credited for many quotes which are not his own. Here I?m glad to offer one he can actually claim.)

SOCIETY (permalink) 06.18.2001
in house cinemax
I recently had three breast feeding women in my house at once. I felt like I should have been at the door charging admission and playing a Lita Ford song on the hi-fi. While this thought was going through my mind I overheard one of the women say, ?Oh, I?m sure. Like some guy?s gonna get off watching me breast feed my kid.?

So, so young and innocent. She?s obviously never made the acquaintance of my friend Big Dog. At best, I could have gotten him to refrain from taking pictures.

FILM, SOCIETY (permalink) 06.17.2001
Does Fredrick's make a Kevlar lined brassiere?
Saw Tomb Raider tonight. And I once thought Angelina messed me up in Girl Interrupted. I am a simple, simple man.

I told someone I was going to the show and they actually said to me, ?Ah, I wouldn?t see it, the reviews are terrible.? Really! No kidding! Get out of here! You don?t say?!? Of course the reviews are terrible, they are supposed to be terrible. This is yet another film generated for the sole agenda of accumulating money and art created in that vein will always suck. It takes a work like Clerks or Priest to slap you in your junior mint eating face because those guys are making the film for the love of the process, not the collection of teeny boppers allowance trimming here or there and getting gutless everywhere so they can lower the MPAA assigned rating as to dump more seats in their seats. So, go and buy your ticket, order your concessions, sit down and make your mindless faces at the pretty lights on the wall cuz that it was it is there for. It?s television you pay for and watch with a bunch of ill-mannered people you do not know. Wake up already and smell the day old popcorn.

HOW-TO (permalink) 06.16.2001
subsidize your college education
Tonight a friend working on his masters was complaining about the cost of books and how much more significant it seems when it is coming out of his personal budget and not his parent's checking account. Everybody then reminisced on the end of semester ritual where you would sell books back to the university and how those monies never seemed to make it back into ma and pa?s checking account. One girl sitting quietly to the side said in an almost whisper how she would buy books for classes she wasn?t even taking so she could get extra money back at the end of the semester. The room fell silent and then erupted in overwhelming acceptance and disbelief that no one else had thought of that. I love the simple variations of life and the people who invent them.

PERSONAL (permalink) 06.15.2001
you really shouldn't like that
While I once thought the human body was built this way, I now believe we are conditioned to dislike ejecting things in unnatural directions. I?ve seen bella pour a pint of milk out a single nostril smiling the whole way. I once choked on a good and plenty, shot it out my mouth six feet before it hit the wall and Marty had to buy me an ice cream to get me to stop philosophizing on my near death experience.

SCIENCE (permalink) 06.14.2001
did ya know
The distance from the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb is the length of the bridge of your nose. (holding your fingers together in a straight line, not fanned apart)

Two-times the diameter of your wrist is your neck size.

Two-times the diameter of your neck is your waist size.

(while there are exceptions to the above, an art study found this to be a fair commonality)

SCIENCE (permalink) 06.13.2001
pat, i'd like to buy a bowel
Who better to contribute to this week's body theme than doctor stevie. In this latest installment of prolapsed, the doctor of diss pays his respects to the often ignored but highly valuable organs we all regularly take for granted and in some cases didn't even know we had.

PERSONAL (permalink) 06.12.2001
the uni-stache
One time while showering I had a persistent hair tickling my upper lip. I would push it out of the way only to have it return moments later. While attending to my post-shower ablutions the nuisance returned. I leaned into the mirror to locate it and saw the pest sneaking into my mouth (This wasn?t greatly unusual in that I?ve always been shaving challenged and have missed many a chin or cheek hair for weeks at a time). I trapped the nuisance between a forefinger and thumb and gave it a tug. To my bewilderment the result did not register on my lip though, but in my nose. I leaned closer and pulled the hair directly away from my face and sure enough after the visible inch it snuck up into my right nostril.

Being in college at the time, I considered leaving this unique strand in place to astound and impress my classmates with but after a moment of lucidity gave it a hearty tug and dropped the surprisingly stout root into the sink. Later in class I momentarily panicked at the thought that this coarse black hair had been hanging out of my nostril for weeks. I rapidly deduced this was impossible because even if people did not possess the social experience to address such a fix there certainly would have been gasps of horror and fleeing children in my presence. So it obviously must have been around for some time, like since age twelve, growing in an upward direction only to be dislodged by an allergy based sneeze or a healthy blow of the nose. I don?t know this to be fact but it is the explanation I?m running with still today. Furthermore, I?ve yet to purchase one of those silver claw contraptions used for internal hair removal but have also not ruled it out of my bathroom arsenal just yet.

SCIENCE (permalink) 06.11.2001
And you thought the penis looked funny
A few people have razzed me recently regarding my sandals and socks look as seen in this month's gallery selection. It is time for us as a people to get past this hangup with socks and sandals. I am doing you a favor by masking from you my least appealing and cleansed body part. And, all this without even touching on the medicinal implications of the foot ? bunions, calluses, lost toenails (which is super-gross if you've ever had the pleasure), foot odor, athlete's foot, etc. So let us dissect our friend to the south at a raw and anatomical level.

Unless you are a part of the wasabi tribe of southern Africa or one of their charter members, your feet are bunged up all the time in a B.O. ridden vacuum you call your socks and shoes.

All male feet at one point or another have come into contact with human urine, and oftentimes it's not our own. Tut, tut, tut ladies, don't wipe that brow just yet, because if you've ever lived with a male, your little piggies have swam in the yellow water as well.

While my feet are exceptional in this next area, most people's feet possess at least one oddity. My claim to fame; my feet are as wide as they are long. Yes, you did the math right, that would make them square.

I have never seen two sets of toes that look the same. This is unnerving. I've also known people whose second toe is longer than my pinky finger. Also unnerving.

Lastly and most importantly, people's grotesque negligence towards the routine and non-optional maintenance of their feet is appalling. You gotta get between the toes, between them.

Given the abuse I have taken over my cloth-covered toe, the obvious need for discussion and the fact that I am right, I am dedicating this entire week to the human body. And, can we get a game of socks versus skins going here?

QUOTES, SCIENCE (permalink) 06.10.2001
before it was AIDS
If I had written this a month ago, I would have used the figure ?40.? If I had written this last week, I would have needed ?80.? Today I must tell you that 120 gay men in the United States ? most of them here in New York ? are suffering from an often lethal form of cancer called Kaposi?s sarcoma, or from a virulent form of pneumonia that may be associated with it. More than 30 have died.

The men who have been stricken don?t appear to have done anything that many New York gay men haven?t done at one time or another. We?re appalled that this is happening to them and terrified that it could happen to us. It?s easy to become frightened that one of the many things we?ve done or taken over the past years may be all that it takes for a cancer to grow from a tiny something-or-other that got in there who knows when from doing who knows what. This is our disease and we must take care of each other and ourselves.
New York Native (nation?s most influential gay newspaper), August 24, 1981
Warning to the gay community from columnist Larry Kramer after the first AIDS cases, yet to be named such, were being reported around the country.

FILM (permalink) 06.09.2001
(see movie's alternate title)
movie: swordfish (also credited as the movie where halle berry is topless)

should you see it: (see movie's alternate title)

best part: (see movie's alternate title) & explosions is fun.

worst part: when this 300+ git did a very ill-advised Nestea plunge into the seat in front of me. This scene mesmerized me to the point that I sat wide-eyed, watching him free-fall through the air and roughly crash into his chair. While gazing upon this escapade from my quasi-stadium seated seat I overlooked the possibility that the back of his chair would dip so far in its duress that the top of it would come crashing into my knee-cap, my bad knee mind you, setting me back about 2 months in my rehabilitation. Flying big guys suck.

PERSONAL (permalink) 06.08.2001
commercial-free entertainment
We just turned the three-week mark without television. The other night we partook in a dickens? like evening instead of sitting Indian style on the futon living vicariously through chandler, joey, will, Benton and carter. We made a fire, had some guests over, read the times, drank thai-iced coffees, played with bella, I finished one book and started another, tended to my house plants and marty was in bed by 8:30. We, she and all concerned were in digital-free bliss.

PERSONAL (permalink) 06.07.2001
watch where you point that thing
My only, or greatest, problem with other people's flatulence is that if I detect something, which emanated from your person, one could surmise that an unpleasant and ejected element, even if only a molecule, that was just in your rectum is now setting up shop in me. And, in an OCD guy's mind, you might as well pick me up and insert me, head first in an ally mcbeal like antic, into these vaporous confines that jettisoned this waste product in my direction.

WEB (permalink) 06.06.2001
did i say that out loud
Two days ago I linked to some guys psychiatric evaluation and was wishing I had one that I could post (the continued woes of troy dearmitt ? coming soon). Well, in that the guy has a very sexy and well done sight I was kicking around there a bit and realized that in his last few entries he admitted to experiencing a mental episode and would not be with us for awhile. Doh! Had I noticed this turn of events in this young man's life, I may not have poked at his cerebral workup. But, in the same breath, I will not feel bad because of all my immediate friends, I am the only one with the requisite amount of compassion for my fellow man to even consider sending slack to one in such a state. Sorry noah-man and stop laughing mike, steve, matt, eric, etc, etc, etc.

QUOTES, TELEVISION (permalink) 06.05.2001
the beginning of a dynasty pal
5003 corners in greater Miami and gumby here has gotta pick ours.
Sonny Crocket of Miami Vice (first line of the series)

WEB (permalink) 06.04.2001
Please have a seat on the couch
I wish I had one of these to share with all of you.

STORYTIME (permalink) 06.03.2001
i think i'll sit over here
This guy in my neighborhood when I was a kid used to bite his toenails. He?d grab an ankle and pull his foot up to his face, crane his head forward, clench the front of his teeth down on the corner of a nail and pull his head back taking a sliver of the nail with him. He would then look away and spit the shard into the air and then go down for another pass. I?m not embarrassed to admit that this is one of the coolest feats I?ve ever seen.

FOOD (permalink) 06.02.2001
pb and j's with the crust cut off
I do not eat the ill-intentioned or unavoidable aspect of any food. I cut the crust off my bread, ignore the outer ring of a cinnamon roll and most annoying to Marty, break the jelly-absent edges off of my pop-tarts. You can ask, but neither my delicate palette nor I will apologize for our sophisticated proclivities. And as far as all the starving kids all over the globe, they are more than welcome to dine on my crust pieces.

PERSONAL, WEB, FILM, MUSIC (permalink) 06.01.2001
Godspeed 2001
Tonight Marty and I will be attending the graduation ceremony at the high school she teaches at. Each year at this time we watch as a fresh crop of students jet off for the exciting and frightening unknown that is independence, responsibility and free form decisions. While I am hopeful of the experiences they will enjoy, the selfish lobe in my mind desires them to remain, For me, the therapeutic benefits of my interactions with many of them is marked.

David Lienemann possesses a quiet and refined maturity rarely seen in a person of his age. I regularly marvel at his view and interpretation of the society around us. With gifts in the form of photography, music, business, and human nature, it's more than hard to remember he cannot legally drink. One of my first conversations with him involved this website and he told me it seemed pretty good but that it needed more pictures. I asked if he was suggesting I put up more of my pictures or publish some of his. "Yes", he replied and days later supplied me with a block of photos from a recent trip he had taken. That was many months ago and I have just recently completed the feature and invite you to visit California in Reason to see the work of a future photo great.

Jessica Campbell, known by many as the gay sister in Election and/or the hermaphrodite in Freaks and Geeks, will be departing to hone her skills on the big screen. I don't really know Jessica but regularly saw her at various school functions and events. These encounters always weirded me out given how much I enjoyed and remembered election and freaks. I have spoken with Jessica a few times (Stalker! Stalker!) and she is an intelligent, lovely and spookily centered young woman who is traveling in the first class section of the success concord. She has already filmed her next picture, The Safety of Objects, starring Glenn Close, which should be coming out this summer.

The Amen boys, the departing ones at least, represent my most selfish loss. These gifted acapella entertainers have provided me with more hours of enjoyment than they can conceive. Whether tapping a toe to Elliot's remarkable rendition of the Streets of Philadelphia (philidelphia.mp3 - 4,387kb), slapping a thigh during Roundy's energetic Basketcase (basketcase.mp3 - 4,100kb) or getting dizzy watching the Pennington twins lead the always randy Instanbul (instanbul.mp3 - 3,154kb), these guys will be sorely missed and prove to me that life is in fact not fair given the unreasonable amounts of natural charisma and talent dealt out to each one of these young men.

My social microcosm will certainly feel the loss of these and other students but humans across the country will have the benefits of making their acquaintance. Treat them honestly and well because they make me smile. And for those of you who do not have access to our exceptional youth allow me to confirm that while the bad ones are getting worse (ala columbine), rest assured that the good ones are absolutely getting better.

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