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PERSONAL (permalink) 07.31.2002
is that what i think it is?
in a roll of film marty recently had taken, she took two pictures of bella and i sleeping. in both of them you can see my goods. yeah, those goods.

my mom asked why i wasn?t wearing underwear. that is my underwear i explained. she then asked why i wasn?t wearing shorts. i had no defense.

when thin when tan girl looked through the photos she was kind enough to laughingly remark that the mouse needed to go back in the house. not the lion to the den or even the pig to the pen, but the mouse to the house. i just can?t catch a break.

and, no i will not be sharing these intimate shots in rockefeller center anytime soon. i have the kids and my reader?s sanity to consider.

WEB (permalink) 07.30.2002
i love prittney's pears
in honor of today?s what do you want update, i invite you to see what people want from google. it speaks volumes about us, all of us, we know what we want but just don?t always know how to get there. this experiment shows that it pays to simply try. get it in the ball park and you just may be sated and prosper.

TRAVEL (permalink) 07.29.2002
no, the shoulder is now an approved passing lane
i drove all over the country this weekend and send the following messages.
  1. to the green jeep girl who drives with her left foot on the dashboard: enjoyed swapping the lead position for 150 miles through ohio.
  2. to the droves of people who don?t understand the purpose of the PASSING lane: (edited for legal reasons)
  3. to the mini van whose driver was eating an egg-mcmuffin AND talking on a cell phone in Indiana: get off my road.
  4. to the construction geniuses in Indianapolis who added over an hour to my voyage: i boycott your city.
  5. to the girls in the red cavalier who worked very hard to catch up to me so they could laugh and ridicule my seat dancing and open window loud singing to Nu Shooz: i commend your commitment to mockery and it is justified, but you can?t keep me from the point of no return.

HYGIENE (permalink) 07.25.2002
i lost ten pounds in the first week
we?ve all heard about them. the more scholarly may have even read about them. but a scant number of us have actually experienced the fabled and legendary no-wiper. but a few, a golden few of us have seen the light and been taught the ways of the consistent and regular sans-wiper, which is technically a una-wiper but the first one is obligatory, even if unnecessary.

as bookguy?s padowan, he one day took me by the hand, sat me down and bestowed on me the secret to his quiet success. it is in Kellogg's original and all-bran cereal, the all-bran muffins specifically he said in a serious voice. why the muffins you may ask, as did i. bookguy explained the benefits of the muffins portability as well as the proper portioning. he went on to reveal how this minor change to his dietary routine has earned him hours of productive time and has freed him of the laborious task of righting his plumbing and/or providing lengthy explanations to the owners of borrowed plumbing.

so now you may go and also make your business a quick business. and as to whether or not i will be posting the recipe in the what i?m eating section of, what do you think this is, a proctology service. i suggest reading the box as i did, but don?t plan on doing it from where you may want to because you will not have time given this newfound philosophy which some liken to religion. you?ll have to do your reading from the comfortable confines of ,say, your study or bedroom.

and, if you do not know what i?m talking about, you?re beyond my abilities to heal. i can only take you so far. the rest of the journey is yours to make, this journey especially.

FRIENDS (permalink) 07.23.2002
we pay extra for bookpimp coverage
bookpimp was in town for the weekend and as always is the case with any bookpimp visit, mayhem abounds. day one saw near catastrophe when he almost knocked a half-full thai coffee over while fluffing a pillow on the study futon. since the holy nectar did not fall we need not discuss that gravity of such a blunder. upon saving the teetering mason jar, we eyed one another wondering, hoping that this would be the trip to break the pimp's blooper-ridden nature he is known for.

our hopes were dashed early the next day when BP toppled a full glass of coke, conveniently in my direction, while eating at uncle bill's. the suck thing here is that a glass of coke is only completely full for about 42 seconds when you mix bookpimp and saint louis humidity and obviously this misfire occurred in those first precious ticks of the clock testing my dexterity in avoiding the amazon like deluge sent raging towards me.

tragedy two took place when pimp was getting a drink from the basement food stock and sent an amish churned jar of apple butter careening to it's explosive demise. upon climbing the steps marty was waiting with bucket and mop in hand for him.

other than a second close call with a dinner plate we all have come out of this visit relatively unscathed, physically at least. and upon his departure, i'm thankful for all the unbroken objects in my home and pining for the return of my bestus friend. be well and until next time.

FILM (permalink) 07.17.2002
keep those digits crossed pal
been away again. this time i was off auditioning for the part of tubbs on the soon to be produced miami vice feature length film.

PERSONAL (permalink) 07.15.2002
it isn't polite
my barber has been on vacation for the last two weeks, so will everyone please, please, stop staring at my hair.

SOCIETY (permalink) 07.12.2002
i'm wearing kneepads right now
i recently passed a guy wearing a motorcycle helmet ... while driving a car. after secretly mocking him (it's a habit) it occurred to me that maybe i'm the stooge here. i mean someone had to be the first to put on a seatbelt, wear bike headgear and don a cup before stepping up to the plate. and, considering the growing number of prophylactic measures in place around us I think we're about three hallway collisions short of wearing protective paraphernalia while simply walking around. as if I don't look skewed enough already.

did i mention that the driving helmet guy's car was totally covered in bumper stickers. this may be an important point while thinking this through.

SOCIETY, WEB (permalink) 07.11.2002
is he ok?
you may have noticed i haven't been around much as of late. you may have also noticed a newish project listed under my professional page, boycott city. you do the math.

BC is a vision i've had for awhile which i'm pretty stoked (nice eh) about and those i have discussed it with seem equally compelled. one such person not only offered to help but immediately returned home and developed the entire, not unsophisticated, backend to this web application (thanks bg). this token of charity obviously placed the burden on my keyboard to produce an interface to front his work. hence, i have been holed up working on this every waking moment as well as plenty of should-not-be-waking moments.

after beginning the work on this site, as always seems the case, the simple vision exploded into a comprehensive labyrinth of pages to be built and challenges to be met. fortunately, my daily life incents me to trudge forth through this quagmire of detail and lost hours. for instance, just tonight i was at my local blockbuster looking for a film and made a horrific discovery. my lovely video store does not deem the highly acclaimed films, birth of a nation or in the heat of the night worthy of their shelves. after being told this and returning to find something else i spied such classic cinematic triumphs as hot club california and the naked cage. yeah, i trust your judgment and discerning eye to mandate what i'm able to watch after you closed every other respectable and intelligent video house in a twenty mile radius. my viewing pleasure is in your capable and caring hands.

so sit tight kids. no one wants to see a tool to voice your displeasure with large corporations and sub-par standards more than myself, and fortunately, a few of my more technically gifted friends. given this BC will be built, and available, unless of course we elect to replace it with something more useful and entertaining to you like a fan site for joshua jackson or yet another unusable portal to nothing, to better convenience you, our customer, because it is ultimately your happiness we care about it and you are the reason we strive towards excellence with every transaction and decision... didn't you read our glossy pr prospectus we sent to your home telling you what a competent and knowing organization we are ... unsolicited for your ease.

it is you we care about.

PERSONAL (permalink) 07.05.2002
and this proud father beamed

twice a year the people in my neighborhood have a parade and picnic. the two anointed dates are fourth of july and halloween. the parade caters to the kids and the picnic to the adults. now the parade isn't exactly what one typically thinks of when they think parade. ours is unique in the sense that everyone, yes everyone, participates in the parade. participation entails walking with all the others through the streets of our neighborhood, starting and ending at the same point. the main oddity is that since everyone involved is actually walking in the parade, there isn't really anyone left to watch the spectacle. of course a few people, a scant few merciful people, sit in front of their homes in lawn chairs, drinking lemonade and cheering us on as we go by. but, truth told the wavers are outnumbered about fifty to one.

the parade troop is comprised of a comprehensive mix. first a fire engine rolls slowly occasionally blasting its horn and swirling the sirens. directly behind this red engine which has the words "let's roll" emblazoned on the side comes our own local marching band where one instrument is a garden hose with a funnel on the end, painted silver. this ambitious group gathers at eight in the morning and practice yankee doodle dandy until show time. the kids ride in or on decorated bikes, scooters and strollers. everyone else walks. and talks. and points and laughs as they see how sophie is dressed or how much alex is sweating. a police car trails the collective crawling at the pace of the slowest tricycle attempting to keep an appropriate and unobtrusive distance behind. i'm not sure if this is to keep us in control or to protect us from outsiders who may see the crazed ritual and take action against us given our obvious imbalance. either way there is a cop car at the rear.

marty and i have lived in the neighborhood almost three years but this is the first year we have been in town for the july parade. we've already deemed all future outings as mandatory. my favorite moment of the day happened as marty and bella approached where i was sitting taking pictures of the scene, bella spotted me and yelled as loud as her tiny vocal cords could stretch "my mommy! MY mommie! MY MOMMIE" and elatedly stretched her arm towards me.

FILM, SOCIETY (permalink) 07.02.2002
do you have a mr. microphone back there?
the last several years has witnessed significant innovations in audio technology, especially as it relates to film. however, dolby surround, dts or even the latest digital systems are impotent to compensate for a single oaf with a large bag of popcorn and a 64 ounce soda. didn't your mother ever tell you to chew your food with your damn mouth shut? i swear. and as far as getting the popcorn out of the tub, what the hell are you doing? it sounds as though your trying to catch a live rat in a cellophane bag with your bare hand. you were given an opposable thumb for a reason, if even by accident, so do us all a favor and try using it.

and, while we are on the topic of mothers and the most mundane of things you should have been taught as a youngling, kicking the back of my seat falls on like ground. and don't worry, i'm kicking myself plenty for sitting anywhere near your loud and hyper-active self.

simply count yourself lucky that our society has not yet implemented the sorely needed Respect Police.

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