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WEB, SOCIETY (permalink) 08.27.2004
this is the 600th monorail post. no lie.
put some fun between your legs

a guy at work showed me the above ad which he found in a 1978 issue of national lampoon. if you own one of these shirts, bumper stickers or bags, you should email me right now because i'm paying a grotesque amount of money for one i can call my own. note: low-rent substitutions will not suffice.

spinning through this rag it's bizarre to see many domain-less advertisements. i can't help but wonder what i would be doing for a living if i was 35 in 1978 instead of 2004. the other noteworthy aspect of leafing through this is the commercial space is way funnier than the humor magazine's actual crafted content, by today's standards at least. allow me to expound:

[click to enlarge]

is that jeff goldblum?
it seems an unfortunate side effect of this in dash sparkomatic is that it causes your head to begin morphing into that of a common housefly. that and dressing like an aspiring adult film star. on studying this scene i'm thinking mr. reams here may want to shag his ass out of dodge in that mag-heavy firebird because i don't see the natives being too warm and fuzzy to a guy with huge, white, compound eyes, especially one wearing that bombardier jacket.

yamaha chappy
[click to enlarge]

i'd like to join your hell's angel club ... please
i can't tell you how much i'd like one of these. but i also couldn't tell you about the black and blue beating i'd get if i showed up to work riding it. no worries though given my super-secret and uber-effective self-defense. although that might not save me from dodging the nickname CHAPPY.

yamaha stereo advertisement
[click to enlarge]

i kind of miss the big silver dials
so we all know i have one of these. and i recently added one of these. just last night i was trying to explain the ipod/henry kloss setup to my father and he just kind of stood there blinking, wanting to understand, trying to comprehend but because he came from such a different school we weren't really firing on all cylinders. but, you'll never find me to be too scathing on this front because as e-love points out i'm closer to 70 year's old than i am to my birth which means i'm just a few birthdays from the doddering phase of my own life.

camel advertisement
[click to enlarge]

they got everyone but gopher
now i bet you never knew that tom sellek, dana plato and jacques cousteau posed for an ad together. and if you think you're spying ron howard up on the gangplank, i would say you have a keen eye (this is obviously ron in one of his earlier directorial cameos). one would think with all this star power you could leave the cool-ass diving bell back in the shop but camel has never been one to pull a punch when it came to their advertising. i mean if it weren't for the diving bell, i wouldn't have a smoke dangling from my mouth as i type these words. to recap ... no diving bell ... no sale ... diving bell ... i got an opened carton on top of the fridge. and this is 25 years after the ad initially ran. i'm going to call that a well spent advertising dollar.

NEWS (permalink) 08.25.2004
man do i envy true love

boy does it warm the cockles to see such an obvious example of devout commitment and companionship.

imagine for a second what this girl would do if she woke up naked next to this guy and he wasn't a famous and rich comedian but instead the plumbing guy at home depot. would she kill him or herself first?

QUOTES, MUSIC (permalink) 08.20.2004
my favorite song lyric ever
shake it.
sh-shake it.
shake it.
sh-shake it.
shake it.
sh-shake it.
shake it.
sh-shake it.
shake it.
sh-shake it.
shake it like a polaroid picture.


(repeat again)

(and repeat one last time)

from the chorus of Hey Ya! by Outkast

when i was telling marty about this, she thought for a moment before replying "well, those polaroids were a pretty neat technology".

TELEVISION (permalink) 08.18.2004
hand me the remote please
sorry i've been away so much. the olympics are on, like don't ya know, and i have tivo which means the olympics are actually watchable.

for instance, with tivo:
  1. i can watch a 3 hour football game in 50 minutes.
  2. i can watch a 30 minute episode of friends in 18 minutes.
  3. thin when tan girl and i can watch an hour long episode of america's funniest home videos in 8 minutes.
  4. and lastly, i can watch a six hour block of olympic coverage in 1 hour and 30 minutes.

if you're not up with the new technology and not really tracking my vibe, think of it this way, the networks are satan and tivo is the "kick satan in the nards" box.

viewing disclaimer: if you are watching tivo'd programming at e-love's house, cut all times in half.

QUOTES, WEB (permalink) 08.13.2004
it's an all-day laugh-riot around here
here's the short sound bite:
dad, come here and smell my diarrhea. it will die you.
and, here's the longer sound bite:
troyscript : the lie

QUOTES, STORYTIME (permalink) 08.12.2004
would you care for some perspective
while waiting to get clipped by the super-barber, i had an interesting conversation with the guy in the chair. he was a vietnam era refugee from laos. between my addled hearing, the hair clippers and his thick accent i missed much of the conversation. here are a few of the snippets i recall:

you could hear the explosions on the mountains at night when you slept.

i knew there was trouble when the bodies started floating down the river.

my family hid in the forest for many months.

when i was caught they just kept pointing the gun at my head shouting "tell me why i shouldn't kill you right now. tell me why i shouldn't shoot you in the head. tell me why i should let you live."

there were hundreds of us in the prison and they didn't give us food or water. people were dying.

my father owned the sawmill and they didn't have anyone who could use the equipment so i got out of the prison to help them.

my family snuck into thailand.

i had to say that all of my relatives were dead so i would have a chance to come to the united states.

i said the only place i wanted to go was the united states and i didn't care where they sent us within the united states.

i was in san francisco for 10 days and then i came here (saint louis).

to feed my family i sold buckets of water for ten cents each.

we couldn't afford the meat so we just got the chicken bones and made soup from them.

i had to feed my family.

if this doesn't fix over half of your perceived issues, you may be beyond salvation.

PHOTO, WEB (permalink) 08.10.2004
yeah, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye
alternate titles for yesterday's captain image:

boy were those some weird dreams.

yes, that would be marty who not only sat by while my children defiled and degraded my sleeping body, but she even took pictures while sitting by.

i swear my right eye was in the socket when i went to bed.

the good side of sleep deprivation.

PERSONAL (permalink) 08.06.2004
our fact-checkers were flogged and then fired
2 days ago i said that marty gets $40 a month in allowance. she asked me to correct that statement in that she really only gets $30.

either way, she doesn't spend it which makes me think she's still getting too much jack.

PERSONAL (permalink) 08.05.2004
with bella around, you need to know this
is it butt-naked, buck-naked or are both acceptable?

you wouldn't believe how much i haven't got done for thinking about that damn question.

and if you read that previous sentence out loud in my house you would have bella tell you that DAMN is one of the two words on the CAN'T SAY list.

the other word is STUPID.

and, everytime i hear the 'stupid'-word-rule i can't help but think of the uphill battle we're going to have in front of us if we're drawing the line in the sand at the word STUPID. if i were expected to live by this standard there are people in my world who'd think i'd turned mime or gone mute.

PERSONAL (permalink) 08.04.2004
i need a raise
at the beginning of the month marty and i each get an allowance. mine is $140. hers is $40. this money goes towards any impulse and/or frivilous spending like eating out, going to the movies, buying candy or coffees, etc.

somewhere between the second and third weeks, i'm broke, always, and hitting the atm to pull funds out of my savings to supplement my monthly expenses.

if at the end of the month marty doesn't have $40, she has $35, always.

i don't even get that. what she does should not even be possible. the girl is a serious freak.

QUOTES, BOOKS, SCIENCE (permalink) 08.03.2004
one of the most enticing book openings i've EVER read
Welcome. And congratulations. I am delighted that you could make it. Getting here wasn't easy, I know. In fact, I suspect it was a little tougher than you realize.

To begin with, for you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, cooperative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence.

Why atoms take this trouble is a bit of a puzzle. Being you is not a gratifying experience at the atomic level. For all their devoted attention, your atoms don't actually care about you - indeed, don't even know that you are there. They don't even know that they are there. They are mindless particles, after all, and not even themselves alive. (It is a slightly arresting notion that if you were to pick yourself apart with tweezers, one atom at a time, you would produce a mound of fine atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but all of which had once been you.) Yet somehow for the period of your existence they will answer to a single overarching impulse; to keep you you.


Consider the fact that for 3.8 billion years, a period of time older than the Earth's mountains and rivers and oceans, every one of your forebears on both sides has been attractive enough to find a mate, healthy enough to reproduce, and sufficiently blessed by fate and circumstances to live long enough to do so. Not one of your pertinent ancestors was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, stranded, stuck fast, untimely wounded, or otherwise deflected from its life's quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment in order to perpetuate the only possible sequence of hereditary combinations that could result - eventually, astoundingly, and all too briefly - in you.
excerpt from the introduction of bill bryson's, A Short History of Nearly Everything. detail here

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