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37 YEARS IN 5 MINUTES
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CAST: troy and colleagues
SETTING:   meeting room
SCENE: at work, each of our staff meetings include what is called a team member spotlight. in this time an employee is given the floor for five or so minutes to discuss a more personal side of themselves. some folks don't like having to do it but i think it's great. i love hearing about pieces of people's lives that aren't typically discussed at work. i was recently tapped to do mine and realized it's a pretty difficult exercise but just decided to hit the highlights of what has taken me from spot to spot. this is not your typical troyscript but i wanted to get it down before it drifted into the ether, so here it is, pre-ether.

NEW BOSS
troy is the team member spotlight for today so please give him your attention while he shares with us his inner-most being.

TROY
wow. i don't think i've ever had someone actually have to ask me to share before. this is a definite first. and since you don't know me, i'll do you a favor and not share my inner-most being. i'm not sure how many in this room could really handle that.

so if someone asks me to talk about me and my life, i'm going to start at the beginning; my birth.

(groans from the crowd)

i know, i know. why not start at conception? if i knew more about it, i would, i assure you. but i don't so i can't begin there. so birth. i was born 37 years ago this thursday in lancaster, pennsylvania under the name mark allen lombardo. i was promptly given up for adoption where my foster parent called me lane. six months later i was adopted by a couple who liked the name lane so kept it and called me troy lane dearmitt. we then bounced around pennsylvania for awhile in various business ventures. my father purchased a camp ground about eight hours before gas prices soared through the roof. the campground went bust shortly thereafter. with 29 or 32 dollars to their name, my folks packed up the car and we headed west along the canadian border. at the rockies my father turned left and drove south along the front range. not liking the gas prices in cheyenne, he continued across the wyoming border to the first colorado town, fort collins, and stopped for gas. upon looking around the place he said 'this will do'.

our family would spend the next twelve years in fort collins where i had a pretty uneventful childhood, which i guess is a good thing. my senior year my mother moved to saint louis to become a VD lady for the centers for disease control, and that is not as someone who carries VD but rather someone who locates people thought to have VD so they may receive treatment. six months later my father followed her to missouri to try his hand at being a professional bluegrass musician. i trailed them both by six months, after graduating high school, to become the first and, to my knowledge, last out-of-state transfer to meramec community college. they didn't even know how to process my application.

DATABASE DAVE
really, they didn't?

TROY
no. they did. i was just making a joke.

DATABASE DAVE
oh. of course.

TROY
so i went there for two years, mizzou for one and then finished at north carolina, charlotte. about four days after graduating i packed up my '79 volvo and headed back to colorado stopping in saint louis to look in on a girl i met while previously living there. that was about fifteen years ago. few people know that saint louis catholic girls have to import their genetic talent because none of them will ever leave and are mostly related to the people already living in the city.

so i stayed and learned that the business world really doesn't care about young people with english degrees so marty paid my rent and i ate a steady diet of lettuce and began unloading trucks for a living. in that job i worked with people on parole and trying to get their GEDs. a typical scene from that life had me in the break-room sitting at a table alone reading dostoevsky while the others sat around and regaled one another with their worldly opinions. i remember one time a guy was telling the others how yesterday geraldo had 'some of them there morphodites' on. i leaned over saying i think he meant hermaphrodite only to be asked if i saw the show. when i admitted that i hadn't he said that i didn't know what i was talking about and he was in fact right and they were morphodites. morphodites it is. after several exchanges of that ilk i decided my new career goal was to have a job where i didn't need to shower at the end of the day. marty knew a guy who said i could get a teller job. when i asked if i'd have to shower afterward he said no, but one beforehand might not be a bad idea.

so me and my college degree had to apply to five different branches before getting hired (the banking industry was quite different back then) as what was called a peak-time teller. the peak-time in the title meant i was worthy of friday afternoons and saturday days. so i got a shower-free job but again became disgruntled because i felt i should be doing more with a degree and decided i would quit if a position didn't advance within six months. as luck would have it, they did advance and within four years i was an assistant vice president and in a few more a mouthpiece for the acquisitions group. in time this turned into a technical position which ultimately led to a passion for all that is web-related. and that brings us to just about this moment.

NEW BOSS
troy. don't you have some children?

TROY
oh yes. of course. i have a four year old daughter who smart ryan is deathly afraid of and an adorable two year old son. they're both great.

NEW BOSS
does anyone have any more questions for troy?

DATABASE DAVE (thankfully)
no. but i'm sure glad i went last week.

COOP (dejectedly)
yeah, and i think i have to go next.

NEW BOSS
ok. well thank you troy. i will have to start being more sensitive to you and i hope all of you (gestures to room) will be as well.



i vote we name 2006 the year of being sensitive to troy.



37 YEARS IN 5 MINUTES
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