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when i was in college i used to tantalize people, usually late at night and amongst sleep deprived humans, with a fanciful wager. the challenge was this. i claimed that if given X amount of time i could begin a new religion with Y number of followers for a reward of S amount of money. Y to be determined by both X and S. people, all people, quickly dismissed my claim and confidently launched into the many ways my plan would fail. i quietly sat and listened to the litany of petty obstacles (as i had the benefit of experiencing this exercise many times to their single time). when their outpour subsided, as succinct as a time-share salesman, i began illustrating how their thinking was flawed and this was a bet they best not take.

the summation of my proposed faith, which i call crealution, goes like this. there was an adam and an eve. only they weren't two post-pubescent teens that looked like they just stepped off the set of 90210 (keep in mind this was the late 80's). instead, they were some charged molecules sprinkled into the oceans by the architect of this space. the initial seeds of life. with the potential of growth and change and advancement. a potential that continues today. every living creature spawned from these starter blocks gets a gift (e.g. speed, brain, armor, size, etc) and a short-coming (e.g. slow, dumb, soft, bite-sized, etc). success is governed by their ability to leverage their strength and protect their weakness. each being is the captain of their ship and determine not what will happen around them but how they react to the ever-changing circumstances that are part of this constantly undulating universe. so goes the living world. crealution will teach you how to navigate these waters with confidence, balance and grace.

after my vibrant telling, listeners might compliment the thought and delivery but would still say that i could never get followers. to this i played my secreted trump card telling them they failed to say that my followers had to be mentally stable. to this revelation their blank stares told the story -- they lose, i win.

in the twenty years since those days of late-night, dawn-ending dorm-room talks i have a new religious direction. what i'd like to do now is create a new branch of the mormon church. deal is i love the mormon community: the people, the support, the service, the vigor for life. but, i know i'm too far gone to ever drink the religious parts of their world. thus, i'd like to offer to start a new branch of the mormon church called the Secular Latter Day Saints or the SLDS (instead of the simple LDS, the problematic FLDS, or the obstinate RLDS chapters). the SLDS would employ all of the non-spiritual facets of the faith and resemble a proper church-going member in every way except the spiritual teachings (and probably underwear). our text of study would be hyrum smith's ten natural laws of successful time and life management. in the event we have a member yearning for the spiritual side, each chapter will have local missionaries on speed dial. and likewise, if any of the LDS missionaries find someone close but not ready to commit fully, they can pass them to us for a lower impact experience. and speaking of missionaries, we will have those to only our dress code will be slightly different. SLDS missionaries will wear cut-off jeans (jort or capri length), stan smith tennis shoes, and white t-shirts making us every bit as recognizable as our button-upped counterparts.

as you can see all that's left is the execution, so if any of you have the phone number to temple square please pass my name along to the powers that be and let them know i'm ready to put the SLDS in play. partially convinced people are waiting.




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