i'm home!!!

i'm sure you've all deduced by now that last week bookguy and i went on our annual ski trip, now seven years strong. the trips are always rejuvenating but they are also always melancholy at the end. the gloom begins when we part ways in the airport concourse exchanging a clap-on-the-back farewell hug.

after that comes the quiet and lonely walk to the gate. once there, i slouch in a chair waiting for the boarding call, sound-bites from the week playing through my mind. many make me grin. when the saint louis flight was announced i took my place in line. the guy in front of me was wearing a t-shirt that read across the back 'GET DRUNK, BE SOMEBODY' and the truthful reality of my itinerary sank in.

more melancholy feelings.

upon arriving home, my spirits lifted knowing i'd have different kinds of hugs awaiting me there. from marty, i got a thankful, re-enforcements have arrived sort of hug. from alex, a tiny-armed bear hug around the neck. but from bella i got a turned shoulder. i sat down next to her and asked what was wrong. she told me i was a bad father for leaving for so long and she was no longer going to be my friend. i explained that this was unfortunate because i had been away becoming an armpit doctor and was anxious to check hers to make sure they were alright. she turned towards me inquisitively.

BELLA
are you being for real?

TROY
of course i am. do you think i could make something like that up?

BELLA
well, what do you do? how do you tell if armpits are ok?

TROY
like this ... (and i grab her tickling her madly)

and just like that we were again fast friends, for real. now i'm astute enough to know it won't always be that easy which is part of the reason she will start being invited on the annual ski trips very, very soon. i reckon the hard part will then be explaining what 'GET DRUNK, BE SOMEBODY' means and why she doesn't want to be that somebody.

don't hate me cuz it's beautiful

(click to enlarge)

can i have some toilet water with that please?

marty told me of a story where a twelve year old science-fair participant did a study on five of the restaurants in her home town. she analyzed their ice cubes and toilet water, and she found that the toilet water was cleaner.

can somebody older than twelve and with a little juice call foul here and take some corrective action?

and while i support this youngster's obvious giftedness, i don't think i want to follow her success because at twelve she's already given me the perpetual shakes. there's no doubt that this girl's future thoughts and studies will work to fully incapacitate me.

at our shop we call it being in the barrel

i'm thankful to work in an industry that does not include the following phrases.

• second shift
• third shift
• or night shift

i'm unthankful that the advent of the pager is what made the removal of those terms possible.

a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today. three percenter

drivers wanted

i was sent the following article on circumcision by someone who said they wanted to be the first to bring it to my attention, hoping to beat the droves of others who would certainly be directing the link my way. she's right on one point, i for sure get tons of email alerting me to penis related literature. she's wrong though in thinking it's all circumcision related.

i'm not sure what to think of this. i'm suspect of a 'study' done where the author repeatedly qualifies the efficacy of their methods. the angle has certainly been done before; if you want to know if life is better clipped or unclipped, ask sexually mature folks who have seen both sides of the mountaintop. i agree there is merit in such an approach but i think more needs to be uniformly understood about the subjects to better qualify their responses. as for what sorts of additional things, all sorts of things; their background, their experiences, their teachings, their expectations, their medical state, etc, etc, etc.

in defense, i was kind of hoping to get through this online/web/blog experience without sharing one of my most simple analogies, but i can see that's no longer in the cards ...

your penis is your race car. it's the shiniest, fastest, coolest car you'll ever have the privilege to operate. as for the preservation of this fine automobile you've got two choices; you can keep it housed in a finished, heated and attached garage or you can park it under that sugar-gum tree in front of your home where kids will bounce balls off it, rain, snow and sleet will pelt it and birds will evacuate their bowels on its windshield and paint. when it comes time to drive your sleek mobile down the interstate at 90 or even leisurely trek to your local park, would you rather roll out of the garage in the pristine and protected model or pull away from the curb in the dinged and pollen-covered one?

i did mention that birds are taking dumps on one of them, right? and, if you need help with my analogy, please ask someone you know to explain it to you (i'm not certain they will be able to help but would love being responsible for the expression on their face knowing you asked them to translate the above paragraph for you).

thanks lisa. you were the first.

and i wish all of you and all of your sports cars a happy valentines day.

little man is the midwest black widow in the under-three bracket

when bella was about two and eating not much more than a rod of melba toast, we ate out with some friends. during the meal their four year old consumed three plastic containers of cream cheese and nothing else. no bagel. no crackers. no fruit roll-up. just three smallish cups of cream cheese. upon leaving the restaurant walt and i had the 'did you see that kid inhale that bagel spread? my gawd! thank goodness that isn't our kid!' conversation about what we witnessed.

three short years later in our home, a 16 ounce brick of cream cheese is deemed a single serving. a stick of butter a half-serving. and a tub of crisco lard, reserved for special occasions, like saturdays, is considered a family size, although with so many little hands scooping the gelatinous, white goodness out you sometimes leave the table still craving more. and our salt, well, we have to keep that locked up in the home's fire-proof safe with our wills, swiss account ledgers and childhood photos because alex could eat his weight in salt, and that is without a drink. give the boy a simple glass of water and i'd comfortably pit him against a herd of bull elk.

a literal toy chest

remember when i talked about things found in bella's diaper? or how about when alex visited the pediatrician for the first time?

the other night when getting ready for bed marty held up a bright, yellow marble between her fingers.

TROY
what's that?

MARTY
that would be what fell out of my bra when i took it off.

TROY
you didn't know you had a marble in your bra?

MARTY
i did but i forgot.

a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today. things that are yellow

in the end, you just have to suck less than your opponent

late saturday i received an email with the simple and concise subject 'STEELERS SUCK'. the following thread ensued.

TO:	troy
FROM:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
MESSAGE:	um, Steelers suck. GO SEAHAWKS!! Steph
TO:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
FROM:	troy
MESSAGE:	now how could you be so mean to such a mop-headed and cute young lad? care to make it interesting? loser makes sunday brunch for the others family. t (see, that's a smart bet on my part cuz i got more family for you to feed should i win, and more family to wipe dna on your food should i lose.)
TO:	troy
FROM:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
MESSAGE:	Game on. I work in a hospital, DNA doesn't scare me. Steph
TO:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
FROM:	troy
MESSAGE:	i don't even know what to say to that, not being afraid of dna. and, now i don't know if i want to win or lose. t

um.

so my people like pancakes. and marty and bella like droopy bacon while alex and myself prefer it crispy. although alex has been known to eat droopy bacon if that's all there is on the plate and bella has been known to eat bacon raw if you leave the kitchen while it's out on the counter.

and truth told, i haven't seen such a confident position on foreign dna since frequenting drive-throughs with big dog back in the day. i pay homage to your ability to disregard the horrifying.

cautionary note: we have sunday breakfast in our pajamas. and i don't really have any pajamas so i may need someone to warm my chair before taking my seat.

one for the thumb baby

hello pittsburgh steelers. long time fan, first time caller. please get 'er done this weekend. i've been patiently waiting and i suck at patiently waiting. thanks. i'll look for my response off the air.

i'd wallpaper my home with the image if my wife would let me

there's no way this everyman entry received enough attention the first time around (note the submitter's occupation).

how that photo did not win first in its category AND best of show confounds me to this moment.