got milk?

yesterday was a pretty average day. well, except for when i ran into the 30 year old skater rat who was milking his pregnant dog. and, what struck me about the scene was the sensual way he rolled the canine's pink, bloated nipple between his fingers. it just seemed way more sexual than you think a dog milking would need to be.

allow me to introduce ...

so i'm about to meet what will be only the second blood relative i've ever known. for those bad at riddles, i'm adopted. so baby two, called captain around here, is pretty well cooked and we're playing the any minute game. captain isn't technically due for a few more weeks but it only takes one look at marty's painfully taut stomach skin to know just how long two weeks truly seems.

this second time around is a little different than the first. then we were just wide-eyed scared, this time we're droopy, tired-eyed scared. and more than once marty and i have sat quietly on the couch pretending to be watching tv, but not watching tv and then one of us will say something like "so are you freakin' out yet" and the other will say no, but not very convincingly.

and, no we don't know the sex. but, some would say that the jury's still out on me so it seems kinda fitting.

i found my moving buddy

a nighttime ritual in our home is after baths (bella's) we watch toy story for a bit before going to bed. this has been going on for some time and i've now watched the movie no less than fifty times. after these numerous viewings i have only one observation on the film:

little bo peep is a tramp.

a troy dearmitt production

darkman clued me in on a new film coming out, winged migration. it is from the makers of microcosmos but dedicated to birds instead. cosmos was a phenomenal film focusing on the greatly overlooked insect kingdom. it had two hours worth of super-duper-close-ups of insects doing what insects do which is remarkably similar to what we all do. but, the real wonder of this film is in its technical achievements. how they captured what they captured is simply incomprehensible.

my favorite scene from cosmos followed a dung beetle as it rolled a tightly packed ball of, you guessed it, crap to some private place. the sphere was about twice his size and he would stand up on his hind legs and use his front legs, arms, claws, not sure, to roll the orb from the top. during his trek he inadvertently impaled the ball on a small branch sticking out of the ground and it became totally stuck. this little guy worked his crunchy little ass off kicking dirt out from his back legs. he finally backed up and studied his parcel and i swear he looks just like your dad as he might eye a flat tire in a midnight rain. perplexed the dung beetle walks around the ball and discovers the problem. at this point he shook his head, and i mean he literally looked down at the ground and shook his head. if his little paw could have reached his forehead he would have slapped it and if he could speak he certainly would have muttered "am i a dumb ass or what." he then got up on the front of the ball and pushed it backwards off the twig, waddled back to the other side and, pushed the ball around the branch and continued his journey.

i've always said that if i won the lottery, i'd fund the arts, as i know the arts. i'd give the secret cajun band piles of money to continue making music that makes me smile. i'd financially support my cousin who can draw everything from battleaxe-wielding, cleavage-ridden warriors to chaotic sporting scenes with great realism. i'd also fund bookpimp's potential film making career, but his stipend would come with a condition. he'd have to make a film styled after microcosmos but focusing on the odd and private things about the human body. imagine a super close-up of your mother plucking her eyebrows or your college roommate pinching a large blackhead from his greasy cheek, the cloudy cartilaginous plug filling the whole movie screen as it was forced through the infected pore. and you know that if troy dearmitt's name appeared on the produced by line, there would have to be a fifteen minute montage dedicated to 'the magic of flatulence'. like i said, the arts as i know them because i'm dead certain there is an untapped fortune behind what isabella excitedly refers to as 'juicy-gas'.

i was taught it's good to manage expectation

our local news station has been hyping some satellite-deal that can see all kinds of stuff from space. "just think if you could see anything you can imagine from space" they say in their advertisements.

i feel obligated to let them know i can imagine quite a bit. and, i'd wager we're not talking about the same kinds of stuff.

they had rakes! who would buy a rake there?

bella spent the weekend at the betty ford clinic (mom's house). we were to drive out on sunday to pick her up and have easter dinner with the folks. my mom called early sunday morning to say that bella was having asthma attacks and her medicine was empty. this was ok because we had dropped the prescription off the day before. this was bad because our neighborhood pharmacy was closed on easter sunday.

the health of my child is the only thing that could make me pass through the doors of a walgreens, especially on a holiday (*). i felt like gilbert grape at the super-mart. did you know they sell picture frames at walgreens? how about sporting equipment? and, if you ever need gourmet pasta made in a microwave they'll hook you up there as well.

while marty got the prescription filled i checked to see if they were carrying the penis numbing condoms yet. it's not that i need them or would use them it's just that i feel this is an exciting step in man's progress. they don't stock them though. kites, yes. penis-numbing condoms, no.

* i not only boycott walgreens, i also boycott shopping at places that are open on holidays. these people should be home with their families, friends or laying around watching carter country marathons on cable. i still remember when everything was closed on sundays, the grocery, target, the mall, everything. i'd like to see us go back to this for the sake of our communities. our society is lacking a social element, not consumeristic greed.

if you read this page, you qualify

one question. how the hell is jiffy lube about to pass the phrase 'too much information' as the number one hated item at boycott city.

ok, jiffy lube sucks, no doubt, but people come on, 'too much information'? are you kidding me here. i've let you dawdle on this long enough and it is time to step up. quite simply, i cannot have such an atrocity committed on my brain child. and, if you read this site there's no way you ever utter this phrase. it just wouldn't add up. and if it is a part of your verbal routine and i'm just not aware of it, send me an email so i can write you off properly.

and as an fyi, signing up has been significantly simplified so you definitely have no excuses to not throw your hat in the ring.

and, if you're feeling extra generous, hook me up by tossing my circumcision boycott a bone as well. you don't even want to get me raving on how gene simmons is more hated that male mutilation. that's one hellmouth you should hope to never see. i assure you.

a much needed enhancement finally gets done

permanent links to items listed in this journal are now available. what does this mean for you, a religious reader of this content? well, it used to be that if someone wanted to tell someone else about a particular entry, they'd have to do ALL the work themselves to get the intended reader to the item. like saying, go there today, but it has to be today or else it will get lost in the numerous posts troy always makes everyday or you might say, go find and read the entry made on 12.15.2002. basically, it's kind of a pain in the ass.

but no more of that slacking business. allow me to direct your attention to the smallish icon to the right of the category above this (and each) entry. in this case, the icon is just to the right of the word WEB. so now you can link and refer to items in one of two ways (there may be more, but i ain't got all day here).

1. right click on the icon and select COPY SHORTCUT or COPY LINK TO CLIPBOARD or something of the like depending on browser and platform. once done, you can paste the url into an email or chat client or anywhere else you may be inclined to paint the info. get the picture?

2. or, if you believe right clicking is evil or a little too much strain, you can just click on the icon and it will load a page where that is the only entry displayed. you can then copy the url from the address bar and paste it wherever you would like.

so essentially, i've made it much easier for you to share the ever vital information discussed in this forum. and you can pretend to not deem my content to be vital, but you know and i know, we're equally deluded into thinking it is.

now, if you're wondering why this is such a thing, it allows me and my mom and you to recall morsels from the past which you may have forgotten about but should not have. like this or this or this.

don't say anything, you'll only encourage him

for those who reached new levels of disgust by yesterday's admission of my occasional swollen-genitalia syndrome, you flatter me.

for those who requested a visual aid of my condition, you flatter me as well.

and for those who said your condition is worse than mine, you flatter yourself.

this is bad? i never knew.

so swollen genitalia are a possible side effect of the latter parts of pregnancy. comes with the territory, the cool-doc said.

it's hard to feel poorly for pregnant women because as a male, i've struggled with swollen genitalia syndrome for going on twenty years now.

this has been brought to you from the 'things you possibly didn't know about pregnant women or troy' file.

would it be safe to assume you're not an NPR subscriber

the war is definitely a touchy topic and many people are guarded with who they discuss the matter with. contrary to most media outlets i feel that there are more than two camps out there and the factions are more complex than the simple pro-war/pro-peace groups getting most of the press. given this, i'm extra cautious about floating most opinions out there.

but, there was this one guy i was talking to who didn't seem to have this tread lightly attitude. "they're just savages, nothing but savages, we've got no choice" he kept repeating this over and over in regard to the iraqi people. finally, i asked him if he knew what the difference between himself and one of these savages was. he said no and asked, facetiously, if i might enlighten him. of course i would. the difference between you and these savages is that you were born here and they were born there. and it's not hurting any that you were born white at that.

we didn't get into the specifics of what he did to earn, deserve or control this minor detail of his life or the benefits he enjoys by this distinction. i didn't get the sense he was ready for that. his pulsing neck veins and clenched fists helped me draw this conclusion.

do it right.

there used to be this guy in my neighborhood who had this thing for lying. now we've all met people who like to stretch the truth or possibly embellish a tale but this guy truly believed in crumbling all who came before him. when i told him i was from colorado he said he went to the wealthiest school in the whole state. when i said i had a friend into rock climbing he ascended the Himalayas, twice. when i said i had knee surgery he had both legs replaced with bionic ones after a parachute didn't open after he jumped from the space shuttle on reentry. when in truth, he went to a sub-par high school in saint louis county, not only didn't rock-climb but was afraid of heights and contrary to popular belief, bionic legs were years from actually being invented for use on people (rats sure, people no), not to mention nasa still frowns upon people engaging in extreme sports on their space-bound vessels.

he may not have been a rich guy but he sure played one around here. he got married not too long ago and after his still happily deluded bride had her 2 karat diamond appraised, the honeymoon was over. having elected to marry him it's easy to see she's a little on the ego-rich side of the fence and subsequently you can imagine how pissed she was when told that the symbol of her happiness came to a whopping 87 bucks. she asked if that was U.S. dollars before ripping the larynx from the salesman.

shaken, she called a friend of her husband's to get some background data on this better half. the friend had recently written the guy (her husband) off tired of his perpetual lies so was more than willing to give him up. the conversation revealed all kinds of nuggets including that he was previously married which he had not only not revealed but actually denied earlier.

will you tell me her name she asked. he did.

can you tell me her phone number she asked. he did.

so she called wife A, introduced herself using the guys last name, which is unique enough to raise suspicion. wife A simply asked "are you all right?" and that was without hearing anything other than wife B's name.

like i said, his mission was to crumble all who came before him.

an un-caped crusader

i was listening to an interview on npr about a woman who was struggling with an obesity issue. there came a point in her struggle, she recalled, that she decided to kill herself. so she walked to this bridge near her home, climbed up on the ledge and was preparing to jump when she looked over to the side and saw this guy in the bushes on the river's edge masturbating to her potential dive. she got all disgusted by this scene, climbed back down to safety, went home and has never tried again.

is it wrong that i find this funny? and sure, i can admit that i'm a little bit jealous that i've never been given the opportunity to use my powers for such good. some people just get all the luck.

walkin' that walk

i figure i ask everyone to make themselves vulnerable and submit to and compete in the everyman, yet i've never put any of my stuff up for like judgment. so i decided to enter my first photo contest. the maiden test, my community's 35th annual amateur competition.

the awards ceremony happened saturday and in my category (local city theme) i won second place. oh, and i also won first place. my reaction, blown away. my prizes, a couple a hundred bucks in loot and the possibility of one (or more) of my photos appearing in next year's city calendar, which is somewhat cooler than the jack itself.

as for my confidence level, you can possibly intuit something since i didn't mention this before the judging took place. but, the real question is, would i have said anything had i not placed.

if you're curious about the pictures, this is what took first and this is what took second. i know i kinda cheated by using bella in the second place photo. the judges stood no kinda chance denying that little beauty anything. the only shock is that it didn't place higher than the other one.

and, not that i went there looking for this, but i did hear a few grumblings in the room about the selected photos. while i'm sure they weren't talking about my entries, it was an odd relief to see that the everyman is not the only contest that gets beat up when all is said and done.

open wide and say hallelujah!

nose spray. ever since moving to saint louis some odd decade ago, nasal sprays have been a dear friend of mine. as my nose would clog due to allergies in this humid climate i would without hesitation hit the bottle as it were. as years and use continued my adherence to the dosage directions wandered. wandered to the point that after a rather long binge recently i took a moment to see how far out of bounds i had traveled and discovered that i was taking hits at twice the recommended rate for twice as long as one is supposed to in a continual fashion, without consulting a physician at least.

its juju. did you ever wonder how this delightful mist works? you simply shoot a jet or two or five up your nose and SHABBAM!!! your clogged cavities stretch wide and breath deep, welcoming that demanding oxygen once again. the drug's magic is in a chemical that forces your nasal cavities to recoil like a slug to salt, thus creating the open airways no matter how much congestion stands behind them.

the burn. what i learned through overuse is that your sinuses become reliant on the chemical agents not only to expand but ultimately to even maintain their usual pathways. if carpet-bombed enough your nasal thoroughfares become accustomed to this forced retraction and without it will eventually collapse on themselves causing clogged airways even after your ailment subsides. but don't sweat it too much because in as many days as it took you to create this confusion your sinuses will recover and regain their composure, returning to their original state.

as my brother-in-law says, i take double the recommended dosage so you don't have to.

yeah, i may have failed to mention that

as per usual buddy james takes what is already good and makes it better as seen in this email excerpt referring to yesterday's post.

just be thankful that you can't repeat that skin over your entire body, because then you'd have that terrible prison tattoo on every square inch of your person. and really isn't it enough that only marty can read the word 'sweetness' on your ass...we don't all have to see it.

we best not get into how buddy james has such carnal knowledge of this little known fact about myself.

and for your information, my right cheek looks the same

i was part of a conversation with someone recently (i can't remember who) where they were asking/wondering what one's skin would look like if it hadn't been abused by the sun for however long they have been abusing it by the sun. the listener told the curious one to drop their pants and look at their ass-skin in a mirror because this is most likely their last frontier free of skin-damage.

having done this easy-enough test i found that if i were to mimic the skin on my left cheek over my entire body, i would have many more tiny, pointed pimples than i presently do. i'd also have a stray and wispy hair about every four square inches. so my sun worship is back on. in fact, i may need to upgrade my tanning bed privileges given this new window into the world of 'what-could-be'.