behind my house 12:05 am, christmas day.

does it ooze green and red?

in attempt to explain some of my lunacy, i've told you how my mom works in the sexually transmitted division of the centers for disease control and some of the traumatizing events to come about from this affiliation (as in, monstrously large and mangled penises painted on our living room wall). should this confession not sway you in my direction, see how they celebrate christmas in the aniseptic corridors of their building as carolers in white lab coast made their rounds last week.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a little luvin’ under the tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two itchy bumps from that little luvin’ under the tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three french kisses, two itchy bumps, it’s some sort of STD.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the fifth day of Christmas my doctor said to me … Chla-mydi-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the sixth day of Christmas my doctor gave to me six penicillin, Chla-mydi-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love came to me – “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-mydi-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the eighth day of Christmas my ture love gave to me – a case of herpes, “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-mydi-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the ninth day of Christmas my doctor said to me try doxycycline, a case of herpes, “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-mydi-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the tenth day of Christmas the CIS came to me “tell me ten sex partners”, try doxycycline, a case of herpes, “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-myid-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the CIS gave to me eleven HIV tests, “tell me ten sex partners”, try doxycycline, a case of herpes, “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-myid-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

On the twelfth day of Christmas I got just me twelve latex condoms, eleven HIV tests, “tell me ten sex partners”, try doxycycline, a case of herpes, “how ‘bout a quickie?”, six penicillin, Chla-myid-a, one clinic visit, three french kisses, two itchy bumps and some sort of STD.

they're not boycotting pot

boycott city has gone international.

and how appropriate is it that our first non-citizen comes to us from amsterdam.

note: this obviously excludes the attic of our country, canada. we may not know why, but we all collectively know, they just don't count.

who's your buddy, who's your pal?

well, if you consider the four prime tickets to the david sedaris reading this april that are tacked to the wall of wonder, i'd say i am. so we've established that i'm your buddy, but the more pressing matter is are you mine? do you deem yourself worthy of one of these golden tickets to what is sure to be a night of hilarious bliss.

it's time to separate the alphas from the betas and see who really, really, viscerally, wants to be the one, or three, on my arm come showtime.

now i know many of you would consider marty to be a logical candidate. i'd advise you to consider again because after somewhere between 11 and 15 years of comments like "what's your website address again" and "no, a little to the left, a lot really, just start going left and i'll tell you when to stop" or the daily ritual of getting struck about the head and told that i'm going to be late for work again if i don't get my odor-ridden ass moving, i assure you, her ticket is up for grabs, way up.

it's not just me that talks about em

excerpt from garrison keillor's Lake Wobegon Summer 1956

it'll gross at least $7.50

have you seen the trailers for the new film drumline? have you wondered who on earth they made it for? let me help you out on that because they made this film for me, specifically for me. oh my gawd am i bristling to see this. i know some of you (darkman) think i just go for those arty, non-english, low-rent movies. not so, entirely. i rented bring it on, twice. ok. so it was three times. and, once i got a late fee because i couldn't bring myself to return it as agreed. so can you imagine bring it on with cool-ass band drums instead of bounding attitude ridden, haughty girls. i know, i know, too good to be true.

so, anyone who wants to attend opening night with me, i'm planning on getting in line at 6am as to ensure a seat.

step up or step out.

Here's your friendly reminder that there is only one month left to submit your everyman photos.

but, do you get what i mean?

in dissing the mispronunciation guy yesterday, i remembered once, back when i used to teach computer classes, that i convinced a roomful of people that you could pronounce the word ambiguous as ambi-guous, kind of like ambidextrous, only with a gous on the end. i defended the version by claiming it was a british manner of saying it, like when you hear people say advertisement or harassment funny. they bought it.

i curiously got this from an episode of ER where i heard a character, from Britain, pronounce the word as such. i fell in love with it started using it whenever possible and when not possible, inventing reasons to use it. then, six months later i caught the rerun and discovered that, somehow, someway, i misheard her and she actually pronounced it the way everyone pronounces it, well everyone except the 14 people in my computer class.

sorry guys. but, if it's any consolation, i still say it the screwed up way too. it's just another one of my 'hey look at me' antics i exercise daily. like i always preach, if you can cause one person to fire one extra neuron through the day, you've earned your societal keep.

i've never felt more typical

if you've not seen the movie/film/documentary, trekkies, you must see it. my mouth is still hanging open from the experience. wide open.

my favorite guy is this youngish kid who possibly mispronounces more words than he says right. listen for curious renditions of the words adamant, plethora and debacle when viewing. and, i'm plenty sure you don't even have to be an english snob (as i was recently told i am) to catch them. oh, and if that isn't enough, when not defiling the english language he passes the time by designing his own starfleet uniforms to be used in the star trek movie he is making, mostly on his computer.

wowzers!

at least it wasn't the floss

bella's new favorite saying is 'my toy'. everything she can see, touch or conceive is her toy. when we were taking a shower the other day she pointed at my penis and said 'my toy'. i explained that i was very confident that that was not her toy, mostly because it was my toy, my favorite toy in fact. she thought on this for a moment before smacking my toy with a toothbrush, another of her toys and reclaiming it as her toy.

the best parenting advice i ever received came from my father-in-law; "you just gotta be smarter than your kids". i try to live this and thought quickly at this moment and decided to remove the curiousity, so i turned around before continuing my ablutions. i then heard another softer 'my toy' seconds before feeling the toothbrush attempt to pierce my rear crevice. let's just say my surprise could have snapped that brittle plastic in half.

when recounting this drama to marty she asked which toothbrush she had. all i could say with confidence is that she didn't have mine.

now oddly, my whole family brushes their teeth with the same toothbrush, mine.