that special time of year

are you ready for some football??? !!! if not, the folks at amazon and netflix have the elixir you require in two top-flight documentaries.



first is ALL OR NOTHING. this one was for-sure made possible by the decades of great ground work done by NFL films and the hard knocks folks because it is like a grown-up, evolved version of hard knocks AND has lots of the heart-wrenching moments offered by the classic NFL films offerings.

my favorite quote from this series was:



the second show is LAST CHANCE U, another documentary about the highest performing junior college football program in the nation. i avoided that initially thinking it was tv series but the second i heard it was a documentary i popped in to try it out. i did not regret that decision. holy smokes was it well done.

my favorite quote from that series was:
and if you're not ready or into football, then watch netflix's STRANGER THINGS. anthony and i got watching that and were quickly joined by others in the family given how stellar it was.



as a rule i try to not watch tv. like any. but dang are these show makers making it hard. while there is an astonishing amount of dreck being churned out daily for our DVR equipped masses, the top flight stuff that finds its way to press is truly top flight. crazy impressive how good some folks are at this business. granted, it is equally curious how poor some of the other stuff is.

we get one shot and it is happening now.

we haven't seen much of the olympics. sad and curious. sad because i would have enjoyed much of what there was. curious because we were traveling when they started and always found ourselves in spots with great, sometimes multiple, large televisions. the problem we encountered--we were always out. and when we got back, we were often too spent to do anything but go to bed. of the nights we did watch, i observed something about the coverage: commercials, and lots of them. of all the ones i saw, the one below struck me the most.

the juice

sunday the everyman had 324 visitors. thanks to a link from a site called stumbleupon, monday saw a slight increase in interest to over 7,000 daily visitors.

and speaking of the power of the web, check this site out which went public wednesday.

this was one of my more entertaining finds so far:


and in the event you also live in a home without cable or television and haven't yet discovered this, it's brought many laughs to my house:

tivo ain't so impressive without a remote

we are on our third tivo remote. the first one just wore out. bella broke the second one. and the current one began flaking out after two weeks of use. as it is, if the new remote sits idle for more than five minutes you have to take the batteries out and put them back in before any of the buttons will work. this is slightly aided by the fact that the battery compartment door went missing in the first week thus granting easier and quicker access to this routine.

miffed at how soon the replacement had been compromised and in a fit of 'why won't this damn thing stop fast forwarding' furor, i chastised the children telling them i wasn't buying another remote and if this one broke we were done and would live without tv. three days later bella in a wordless rage because the remote wasn't working ricocheted it off the corner of a coffee table. all the rubbery push buttons mysteriously disappeared somewhere inside the plastic case leaving hollow holes where they had been.

with football season around the corner and wanting to stay true to my word, two nights after the fall of the remote i disassembled the device on my desk and painstakingly put it back together. when done, i popped the batteries in and tried it. it worked. it worked better than before because bella's outburst seemed to have fixed the battery issue as well. small gifts.

for the next few days the rest of the family secretly used the remote when bella wasn't around, wanting her to think the days of television were in fact over. but alex got caught when bella came in from outside to use the restroom. later that same day bella approached me:

BELLA
can i watch my show since i didn't really break the remote and it is working?

TROY
well bella, you did in fact break the remote and it is only working because your father is a great, great man.

BELLA
so ... does that mean i can watch now?

TROY
do you think you should be able to watch now?

BELLA
well, i haven't watched for three days and that's kind of a long time.

TROY
well, since when we thought you did break the remote you wouldn't be watching for infinity days, three days isn't so much.

BELLA (sadly)
yeah ... i guess so.

TROY
and for the sake of easier math let's say infinity days equals 1,000 days of which you are three days in. now what do you think is fair?

BELLA (contemplatively with finger on chin)
uhhm ... three weeks.

TROY
done.

since i was expecting her to say four days, i was pleased with her self-imposed twenty-one. and, if you're ever at our house and want to watch tv, the remote is stashed in marty's underwear drawer. we originally hid it in my desk but bella woke me up one morning with it in her hand asking if her days were over yet so we had to relocate it while she slept.

and, in fairness i must add in regard to how our kids treat electronics i got some insight from alex after he and i sat down to watch a show. when i turned the tv on, a horrible screeching sound came out of the speakers. without a moment of thought alex got up from the couch, walked to the tv and struck it hard on the side with his little fist. in a snit i asked him what he thought he was doing. walking back to the couch he simply said, "that's what mom does" and sat down next to me. to his and his mother's credit, the shrill screeching did stop.

but i don't even own a cellphone

click to watch
more than one person has commented to me that they imagine this is how i am at work. it is clear to me that those people either ...

1. work with me currently
2. worked with me in the past
3. have or had a hidden camera set up in my office.

bye-bye blue

nypd blue
1993 - 2005

Katie Sipowicz
He could use God's help now.

Det. Andy Sipowicz
Short term he oughtta settle for getting his head out of his ass.

re-live some blue banter here

she doesn't look at me the same anymore

marty and i have been enjoying the terribly underrated freaks and geeks series together. i can't tell you how interesting it is to be watching this with someone who was neither a freak, a geek or, as with her spouse, somehow both.

although i will say i feel like a celebrity. she's so full of questions, questions i know the answers to. and she asks them excitedly, sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, smiling widely as she works to get them out.

were there really girls who would/could push guys around? did guys really freak out about having to shower in gym? do people really dance in front of and converse with their mirror?

the answers:

1. my mom made me put the dollar bill she gave me for lunch in that funny little pocket above the regular right pocket on levis. three people knew this. myself, my mother and a girl named audrey who simply held her hand out every day she saw me before lunch.
2. at my high school, we only had to shower during swim week. me and a terribly overweight kid were the only ones with doctors notes excusing us from the program for three straight years. you see, not only did i not know how to swim, i didn't get a chest hair until i was 19, started shaving a year after that (and then only once a week until i was 25). you do the math. i was about twelve leg hairs away from being diagnosed with alopecia and advertising my pubeless groin to all of my rowdy and hirsute colleagues was simply not in the plan.
3. dammit

but don't get me wrong, i'm also learning stuff. like that the average person could feather their hair if they so desired?

although, for me, it raises another question; who wouldn't desire to feather their hair?

i will be so pissed

on the apprentice, if jen beats kelly, you can pick my television up on the sidewalk in front of my home ten minutes after the show concludes.

if you look, you'll see it's on the application

i watched the season premier of nypd blue the other night. it seems they plan to go out swinging in this, their farewell season. one of the plot lines followed a guy who received a botched circumcision at birth and was subsequently converted to a woman at infancy only to get it reversed in adulthood. i told you those things were bad, and that's circumcisions, not sex changes.

in another thread they introduced some new talent to the show, another female detective. i gotta tell ya, this 15th precinct somehow manages to attract the most beautiful policewomen of all time. i mean sure, when i think new york city female cop, i think smoking hot women, don't we all. three things all of blue's girls have in common:

all of them weigh less than a buck twenty
all of them could pose for playboy
and, none of them would ever go out with me

and, this is all it takes to be a lady detective on nypd blue; staggering beauty and a willingness to reject yours truly.

hand me the remote please

sorry i've been away so much. the olympics are on, like don't ya know, and i have tivo which means the olympics are actually watchable.

for instance, with tivo:

1. i can watch a 3 hour football game in 50 minutes.
2. i can watch a 30 minute episode of friends in 18 minutes.
3. thin when tan girl and i can watch an hour long episode of america's funniest home videos in 8 minutes.
4. and lastly, i can watch a six hour block of olympic coverage in 1 hour and 30 minutes.

if you're not up with the new technology and not really tracking my vibe, think of it this way, the networks are satan and tivo is the "kick satan in the nards" box.

viewing disclaimer: if you are watching tivo'd programming at e-love's house, cut all times in half.

peter engel (nbc producer) sucks hard

after watching the first episode i was excited.

after watching the second episode i was suspicious.

after watching the third episode i was certain.

and, after watching the fourth episode they admitted it.

the show i'm talking about is last comic standing. the trespass the show made is that the whole damn 'reality-based' competition is 100% rigged.

the show's premise has comics compete against one another to win a spot into some house in hollywood. once they are in the house i don't know what happens but with whatever happens, whoever is the last comic standing wins some tv contract or something of the like. to start out there are about a trillion of them and they are whittled down to 40 and then 20 and then 10.

in the last round of judging (to get the crop down to 10) nbc delivered 3 big names (drew carey, brett butler, anthony clark) and some super annoying woman to decide who the funniest of them were and consequently who moves forward in the competition. so the comics do their thing and then the judges do their thing and then the winners are announced. this is where it gets all sticky because the winners were, problematically, not who the celebrity panel voted on.

drew carey, brett butler and some of the comics freak out wondering what the hell happened. ultimately a producer comes down and explains that in addition to the celebrity panel there are nbc producers and executives also voting. put aside the fact that the producers and executives most likely don't know as much about comedy as the professional comics. also put aside the fact that the producers and executives votes seemed to totally nullify the professional comics votes. put aside the fact that the pros were there for nothing other than their name recognition. and putting all those things aside leaves you with a really screwed up handjob.

fact is, the network most likely knew who they wanted in the house right after the initial crop were selected. i mean this one comic received a standing ovation by the 1100 people in the forum, including the judges, yet was told to go home because he just didn't seem to have what it took. but the not-funny, yet oddly attractive sicilian woman sure did and was asked to move forward.

and i think that it was this dicked comic, dan nauterman, who put it best when he said ...

i don't want to have anything more to do with this f*cking show.

ok, so he may have said stupid show but not only would he have been completely justified to say the harsher version, he should have said the harsher version, twice, and with hand gestures and groin-grabs included.

how can someone ruin a competition involving a whole heap of comedians saying funny stuff. i mean how can you possibly mess that up?

it should have been me

so just a few months ago i copped to having a bit of a thing for gina the veternarian on seseme street.

and, now steve buscemi is 'bedding her down' sopranos style. no way he appreciates her the way i would appreciate her. no stinkin' way.

troy dearmitt: founder and member of the muppets fetish support group

have you ever felt dirty? unchaste? impure? yeah, me neither but recently i've been struggling through a certain predicament. you see, bella likes to watch sesame street. she also likes someone to watch with her. oftentimes that someone is me and i'm always happy to oblige in this basic request.

bella likes gina the veterinarian. she is nice and helps people/animals. daddy likes gina the veterinarian a lot too. she is nice and does all sorts of kind acts. and did i mention she is crazy, smokin' hot. having sensual thoughts about a beautiful woman intermingled with elaborately detailed talking and dancing sock puppets hasn't done my psyche or intimate life any kinds of favors.

think i'm joking? you try having your more libidinous thoughts interrupted by a two-foot tickle me elmo doll informing you that tying your own shoes makes you a big boy, a very big boy.

absolutely one of the coolest humans on the planet

bayless
when you interrogate him i'd like to sit in.

pembleton
then what you will be privileged to witness will not be an interrogation but an act of salesmanship as silver-tongued and thieving as ever moved used cars, floated swampland or bibles. for what i am selling is a long prison term and to a client who has no genuine use for the product.

frank pembleton (andre braugher) from pilot episode (gone for goode) of homicide: life on the street.

i can't be alone here

i could tell you but you wouldn't believe me. i could draft a check out right in front of you and you'd swear it would bounce. i could count the hundred dollar bills out and place them in your wallet and you'd simply remove one, sniff it and snap it with your index finger, certain i printed them in my basement. what i'm saying is i could tell you the amount of money i'm willing to pay the individual who tivo'd or taped the recently aired Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Three's Company' but you simply wouldn't believe me.

marty and i sat down while it was in its last hour and each secretly chortled at the other for watching it but by the end we were feverish to know what happened in the initial two hours. this would be the two hours that set the stage for the tumultuous and riveting finale.

we must see this.

me and my checkbook will be waiting for your call.

that's my girl

marty while watching the bachlorette.

ellie mae better be smokin'

so did you hear there's going to be yet another reality tv show next season. this one's a real life beverly hillbillies deal. the story goes that cbs is going to take applications from 'lower middle class' families and will then let the anointed ones live in some mansion in beverly hills for one year, documenting their and others acclimation to the process. while one might think that this is bordering on pissing the cruelty to animals faction off, cbs assures subscribers that's not where they're headed with it.

"CBS vice president of alternative programming Ghen Maynard said the series will have a humorous tone, though with a respect for the family..."

oh to be sitting in the room when this one was pitched. i'm sure all the execs were thinking the same thing: six slow and simple virginia hillbillies in the most judgmental and ill-suited locale possible. this just screams exercise in respect if i've ever seen it.

you know the reality show i want to see? i want to see the show that takes cbs vice president, ghen maynard out of his corporate tower, strips him of all his assets and clout, and then kicks him out the back of a van in backwoods alabama naked and with the word 'pedophile' written on his chest with an indelible marker. cameras would stealthily follow his progress and take in all the wacky hi-jinks and madcap hilarity sure to ensue. now that would be funny. very funny, yet respectful.

our lawn mower is in the attic

we keep our microwave in the basement. have for years. and the years before that, we didn't have one. when company is over and they want to heat up their coffee or warm a plate of food, we take their morsel, disappear into the basement and return with a piping hot rendition of said item. you might think we would have to explain this a lot, but most of the people we hang out with surpass this paltry idiosyncrasy tenfold and don't think anything of it: "oh the nuke-box is in the basement, sure, where else would it be?"

allow me to proffer the following as evidence. some couple friends of ours tv lives on one of those black, wheeled audio visual carts in the garage ... a disconnected garage in at a home located in the country. as a rule they don't watch tv. as a helper to this rule, that can't keep the tube in the house, lest they may break this mandate. but when company stays with them, in comes the cart with the shiny picture box. here is where you get to envision my grown and portly friend pushing an a.v. cart across a grassy and bumpy backyard into the home so said visitors don't think them foolish or a tad on the eccentric side.

a situational side-effect of this routine comes from the effort required to return the cart to it's spiderwebby home all the way on the other side of the lawn. in getting it in, there is incentive, company and all. in getting it out all there is effort, and work and a hundred pound pain in the ass on wheels. given this, sometimes the tv cart out-endures the company. this is bad. this is very bad. because as you can imagine, there's a good reason the cart lives next to the family automobile.

i received the following email in regard to a sign left by my friend's wife, taped to the tv during its latest tour in their home:

Anne is usually an unintentionally funny person. This TV sign is her most intentionally funniest moment. She was getting tired of the TV being in the house and taped a sign over the screen after I left for work so that I would see it when I came home and went to turn it on. The sign's "caption" reads, (I'm paraphrasing.... although the sign remains taped to the side of the TV, which is 10 to 20 feet away, I'm too lazy to walk over and check) "I am the devil box, take me back to the garage". And there's a horned red Satan with dialogue balloons that say: "I will make you depressed", "I will make you fat", "I will ruin your marriage", "I will make you sleep deprived", "I will destroy your sex-life"

given my friends unwillingness to even check the actual writing on the sign for the above email, i'm thinking they will be watching the next super bowl wherever the tv now rests.

the beginning of a dynasty pal

Sonny Crocket of Miami Vice (first line of the series)

you want it so bad, you can have it.

I may have spoke to soon on the tv boycott. A friend filled me in on buffy's last show of the year. I guess after the WB lost the show to UPN they decided to make the season finale a series finale by killing off buffy. Ahhhh! What kind of resurrection spell is willow going to have to craft to raise miss buffy from the grave? Good luck UPN writers.

i don't need no stinking picture box

Our tele gave out the other night. While we have sound there is just one line of pixels painting across the center of the screen. After a brief discussion, walt and I decided to try life sans television for awhile and see what came of it. This agreement was partially based on the very lackluster season finales of Friends and Will and Grace, the last shows to occupy our screen.

In attempt to wean ourselves off the teat of sitcom-mania we?ve tried just listening to shows. This experiment has only proven moderately successful. While some shows lend themselves to this design (news or talk), action shows (i.e. buffy, x-files) do not transfer with the same efficacy. We?ll see. If we do opt to pony up for some new digital digs, I personally want to be the first person on the planet to own a phillips flatscreen plasma television and tivo running off of rabbit ears.

You are NOT the weakest link!

Survivor is a freak, millionaire a bore and boot camp an insult. For finely tuned entertainment that has withstood the test of time (albeit in Britain) tune in and turn up The Weakest Link. During an Isabella respite, Walt and I caught this curiosity and by shows end found ourselves cheering and jeering the panelist and frothy facilitator. This one's an absolute keeper and I recommend it to all.

Why couldn't I have said Jennifer Love Hewitt

I started watching Party of Five in its second to last season. Soon after, I made the immense error in judgment of telling some guys that I had a romantic dream involving Claudia Salinger (Lacey Chabert). At the time I was watching the show, she was getting ready to go off for college. What I didn't realize was that for many true fans who have been with the show from the start, these guys included, Claud started as a precocious whelp of like 6 who used to sleep in a tent in the living room. They mentioned this to me amidst guffaws but the actual import of their mockery didn't hit until I caught a rerun where she was in this tent-phase. I immediately grasped the felonious appearance of my tale and immediately sought them out to retract and explain away my earlier confession hence putting the legend to rest. But being friends of mine and possessing a wicked sense of humor, years later I opened a wedding card to find the following memento inside.

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