the antenna man's tv guide

best game in town: 24

most surprising new effort: the bernie mac show

tv guy i?d most like to hang out with: eddie from grounded for life

tv girl i?d most like to hang out with: sally from 3rd rock from the sun

most insulting use of my time: that 80?s show

the show i?d watch if i had cable: trading spaces

surprised it?s still around, and good: simpsons & x-files (tie)

the show i wish was still around: it?s your move

wonder what that specific zone is?

e-love on the complexities of his sexuality

are you the exception or the rule?

a recent study made the following observation regarding what men like about women, physically at least:

Most women underestimate men's ideals for female weight and shape: Most men enjoy rounded hips, prominent butts or full cheeks more than most women realize. Whether the fashion is Twiggy or Kate Moss, most men don't want skinny women. Those skinny models are found in women's magazines, never men's.

in my own unrelated study, i found that women like pale, oily guys with afros who like playing gameboy on the toilet and wear the same underwear for three days in a row. ok, so it's six days in a row and marty is the only woman i know who prefers this ... and i may be taking liberties when saying marty prefers this, 'endures this' may actually be a more concise way to express her position on the matter.

dammit

the steelers saved me from being real conflicted next week.

do i even need to say suck?

you're not using that as directed

after bella was born a lot of people asked if i felt like parent. while you may think that the birthing event would slap one into the mood, it doesn't, or at least it didn't for me. the best way i can think to describe it is a sort of blissful stupor. i can be up at 3am cradling my screaming child, standing in my underwear and blinking clumsily in a dark room in attempt to stay upright and if someone asked me at that moment if i felt like a parent, i would cleanly answer No. i have caught myself wiping feces from the back of my hand onto my favorite college sweatshirt while bracing the phone in my neck as i talk to a nurse about the consistency of said brown matter and the color/hue of the phlegm that's adorning my other sleeve and if you were to ask me how parenthood was i'd suggest you locate someone who looks like they'd have experience in the subject.

recently I was brought out of a saturday slumber by a sensation i have never before encountered. upon opening my eyes and localizing the touch i found that my daughter was smashing her tiny face into my chest in attempt to breast feed off my miniscule man nipple.

i sat bolt upright holding her in my arms and looked straight ahead. at this moment, on this day if you, if anyone, asked me if i felt like a parent i would have responded "what the hell do you think, i got a little human trying to suck fluid out of my left nipple?"

and for the record, i had a little human trying to suck milk out of my left nipple on the following wednesday as well.

even when i go to the bathroom

george carlin on things he has learned

i'd really rather you didn't

i sent an email to a buddy, Intentionally Disheveled Guy, the other day thanking him for a favor he did for me. in part of my letter, i wrote:

thanks again and i owe you a solid.

his, unexpected, response read:

ugh. What's that? It doesn't sound too good.

the really sad and scary thing is, he?s right. sorry Disheveled Guy. i will keep my solids to myself.

back at noon

been in chicago since friday. good trip. have been totally disconnected since thursday night. kind of nice. have more stuff to say but after sleep. see you on wednesday.

rand mcnally is from birmingham

the south is the only place i?ve ever been/lived where they think that mexico is up north. you see, to a hard-core southerner, there is the south and everything that is not in the south is up north. colorado is up north. the queen of england is a yankee from up north up there in merry and fairy old europe. even florida is up north to a native.

now that i think about it, i guess if you start heading north, from the south, all the way to the north pole and kept going, you?d then be traveling south, until you got to the south pole where you would then again, technically, be traveling north until you finally and ultimately run into mexico. wait a minute, given that track i think they may be right. holy general lee batman i think that mexico is north of the south. i stand corrected.

i'm going to need a minute

still mourning the whole gwen thing.

who next, penelope cruz?

she could have been the one, another one at least

gwen is getting married.

suck.

who, i mean what, are you bringing?

i was at a dinner party the other night and one of the dishes, a dessert, was called Better than Robert Redford Pie. I?m serious. And so was the dish.

It went very well with my Jucier than Jenna Jameson Casserole.

in troy we trust

I have recently been told I have a responsibility to my readers. This disclosure closely paralleled my discovery that I had readers. All very exciting.

I was recently telling someone of a recent trip I took to north carolina to surprise my best bud Bookpimp on his 30th birthday. The person I was speaking to turned on me and in a highly exasperated manner proclaimed, "But you said (on your website) you couldn't go and that you were sending him a present, which was going to be late might I add." (12.28.01 entry)

Well yes but all that was a ploy to make pimp think I wasn't going when I really was.

And, just when in the hell were you going to tell us?

Hmm. Soon. I swear. I was just about to. The fact of the matter is on my way there in the airport I overheard this great exchange in the bathroom between a small boy and his father. At that moment I decided to make a photo essay of sorts where I would combine photos from the trip with things I overheard on the trip. My initial plan was to get 30 of each in honor of bookpimp's special day, but alas my friends aren't as stimulating as I initially thought and so we have 15 photos coupled with 15 quotes for a cumulative 30. There is no order or credits given. The order is irrelevant and the orators know who they were which should be enough so Bookpimp is 30 is just a lean collection of images and words which I hope you enjoy at some level.

And, pimp has his present now. And, he seems to like it. although instead I think for a present I could have simply told him that I wouldn't ask him if it feels different being 30, because a lot of people ask that, and there really is no answer, I guess because there really is no question but I guess it does feel different in a sense in that you get asked a lot more inane questions than when you were 29. See you at 40 to see if it's any different than 39.

Is this glowing enough bomber?

I have been asked when I was going to post a retraction about my earlier rip on the lord of the rings movie (11.05.2001) in that I?ve since admitted to liking it. So I guess I may as well get this second serving of crow, potter being the first, out of the way so I may return to my strict diet of never admitting I?m wrong when it comes to affairs of the cine.

I liked the film, I liked it a lot. My favorite part was the first 15 minutes. My least favorite was the last 15 minutes. Everything in between was well above average and proved to be a very visually entertaining film, which did the book a great or respectful service. In fact, potter and rings are probably two of the better movie adaptations I can remember seeing. Kudos to both teams and for any who haven?t yet seen them, go see them. but, don?t mess up and see titantic on accident because I?m still championing that boycott and am accepting new recruits even today. Be strong and rent a better movie, like corey feldman?s Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever. And, tell them troy sent ya. You and they will not be sorry.

i think i will keep on trucking

Last night Man Who Screams Like Woman (MWSLW) and myself went to our local apple users group to see what they had to offer. We were thoroughly excited and had largish expectations of what we would find. Upon arriving at the session and nabbing some seats, we quietly took in the scene with sullen faces. After several quiet minutes, MWSLW leaned over to me and whispered, "So what do you think?" I responded, "I think we somehow have landed on the set of Cocoon."

Everyone was over sixty but us and this kid in the back row whose speaking voice greatly resembled the synthesized computer guy from War Games (Do you want to play a game?). I almost asked the facilitator to just point me to the shuffleboard lanes so I could get my stick on before the rheumatism set in and I'd have to settle for pinochle on the veranda with professor plum, floyd the barber and one of the gabor girls.

But, as karma would have it, during our dejected departure from the meeting and in the middle of our mutterings, we found a gay magazine, the adult variety, in the street that seemed to have been specially crafted for that lonely trucker away from home. And, as luck would have it, that's me. I mean that's us. I mean that's the most surreal evening I've had in some time. Come to think of it, the only thing that would have made the evening more surreal is if said magazine had catered to elderly gay truckers.

it's a collaborative effort with the george foreman grill folks

just in case you call a cave your home, computers changed again yesterday thanks to our friends at apple.

get yours now here.

and i actually listened to a geek slap fight yesterday regarding this product. i personally felt the death blow came when the guy defending the new model said the following to the guy who wanted to keep his beige rectangle because it looked normal.

As far as the design, well, I understand. Some people just can't let go of their Members Only jackets neither.

i so love verbal warfare.

i won't have it

excerpt from Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

some week end lucidity, chavez style

Bookguy is not Bookpimp, as Sir Chavez thought. and Buddy James is not Man Who Screams Like Woman, which no one has yet thought. but Walt is Mart and Mart is Walt and Walt and Mart, who are the same person, are both female so when i talk about Walt or Mart or even Marty i?m not referring to my gay lover Walt but instead my wonderfully striking wife, Marty and i fully understand if you need to meet Walt as Mart before taking my word on this as Bookguy did because until Bookguy met Walt, the woman, he was torn on my sexual direction, which is left. left for debate that is, given that i?m always talking about this Walt character which i reference almost as much as Bookpimp and significantly more than the misdirected Bookguy but far less than Chavez or Man Who Screams Like Woman or even Martha who is Marty who is Mart who is Walt but Walt is not Bookguy nor Bookpimp as Bookguy is not Bookpimp and vice versa.

Please blame chavez for this, not me, assuming you know who ?me? is.

a stronger man would shoot it where it lives

tivo?s latest recommendation of what i?m not watching that i should be...Moesha. and as if that wasn?t offensive enough, my little friend also nabbed the latest rendition of Sister, Sister for good measure.

if one were suspect, one may get the impression that this thing's out to run me off a cliff.

and, in doing the sister sister search, google returned this page as well as this one and, just in case you had a week to burn on random links, they also supplied this one.

it's pee-wee hermione

there is a definite buzz on the street about the film Amélie (pronounced like emily but with an 'ah' at the front). the necessary movie equation for this film is beyond my capabilities, call it chaos math. nonetheless, the film rightfully earns its murmer and i would recommend it to any who who go out of their way to be visually, audibly and mentally tantalized by their cinema.

note that this is a far more grounded work than the director's previous City of Lost Children for any who may feel deterred by that minor detail. it's the best of both worlds.

i'm actually going to follow through on this

new year's resolution: be nicer to people i never meet, know, talk to or share time with.

i'm so all over that.