just think if i had been naughty?

so in closing, i did not get an ipod for christmas, but i did get one of these.

what now little brother.

my boy bookpimp turns the big three-oh today. as e-love would say, you are now closer to 60 than you are to your birth. pretty evil, eh?

sorry i will not only miss your gathering tonight, but also sorry my gift is late. i assure you, or am confident, that it will be worth the wait. mail order women are in high demand during the holidays, mail order women with all their limbs at least.

well, thanks for noticing

having this holiday week off, i?ve been able to enjoy having all of my showers policed by the ever diligent bathroom inspector, isabella. she does not let the minor detail of getting drenched deter her from pulling the curtain to the side so she can heckle and jeer your every move while blinking and shaking her head through the falling water. and whether she?s standing at the rear of the shower getting a solid PG-13 rating or at the head by the knobs for the full frontal NC-17 vantage point, she?s banging a toothbrush against the side of the tub before launching it into the porcelain chasm. she then politely waits for a bare foot to slide it up the side for her to grab onto so she can resume her bang and chuck routine.

i?ve been told that this shower humor is finite. when i asked one person why, i was given an account of my personality-ridden niece emma and how her aquatic privileges came to be revoked after a few modest observations. the first strike occurred when she commented to her mother on her ?furry bagina?, the mom?s that is. strike two came after she, emma, complimented her father on his ?very handsome penis?. there was no third strike. it seems the second one carried enough import for her to be called out swinging. game. set. and match.

personally, i think i can admit that i am not one to chase off flattery and/or compliments, no matter the source or intent.

our first noel

dear mrs. claus

all i want for christmas is a woman with a foot fetish, a fred flinstone like foot-foot fetish.

you better step up santa

for any who will be away from their net connection or boycotting technology on the holiday week, may you make the most of family and friends.

speaking of those we know, i was rapping with a guy at a christmas gathering and he said, "yeah, that was about three years ago and both of my parents were alive then," and it occurred to me that i, you and others will someday be saying that about people walking around at this very moment. it never hurts to recall that there is what matters and then there's all the shit we are sweating everyday. holiday up with someone you know.

also remember, it's not about what you get, nor is it about what you give, it's about whether or not you get an ipod or are giving me one.

and lastly, remember those affected by 09.11 as well as those overseas right now hating life so we don't have to.

not in my house

i have oftentimes claimed to be un-offendable. i must slightly modify that statement to say that humans cannot offend me, but my tivo on the other hand can. you see the tivo has this feature that bird-dogs the tv schedule and on occasion will automatically record shows it thinks you may enjoy given your regular viewing patterns. the other day i found, in this list, an episode of Change of Heart. Now, if you are not familiar with this meager late night atrocity don?t expect me to explain. and, might i suggest that if someone makes attempt to acquaint you with it, run like hell.

truth be told, i also recently spied an episode of Judge Mathis in there.

Anyone want a tivo?

damn, man! this guy will knock you on your ass!

Apollo Creed to Rocky Balboa in Rocky III

and, the winner is ...

so you're ready to see the results? i know you are, so i won't bore or delay you too long but would like to say that i felt the contest was an outstanding success, as can be seen by simply perusing through the photos.

if you want to see the winners, go here.

if you want to see all of the photos, go here.

thanks to all who participated. i personally enjoyed the experience and feel as though something happened here. something good and something broad. again i thank you.

and to the winners, the checks will go out tomorrow.

and to those who were part of a tie (2nd and 3rd), you will not be splitting the award but will each receive the full bounty. we here at dearmitt.com believe strongly in not getting generic when it comes to lucre. ok, so this is the first award we've ever given so it's doubly important to not set a lame precedent so you may anticipate the full amount in your mailbox.

i'm going to bed. now. i may have more to say on this matter tomorrow, but at this moment, i'm going to bed. i'm going to bed right now. good night.

yeah, he's not possessed

i was going to get one of these for marty this christmas until i read this help desk posting. freaky as that is, it's not as bad as the tickle me elmo doll i had that would grope and diddle himself whenever he got dropped.

happy holidays

excerpt from Concrete Blonde's 'Tomorrow Wendy'
off the Bloodletting album

mirror, mirror on the wall

while you all have been scrambling to get your everyman photos in, i've been shooting a few of my own around. tonight i received an email from one of the recipients telling me 'Congratulations! Your photograph has been added to the mirror project.' look at me walking the walk. i guess it's about time because i think i have the talking the talk down pretty well. anyway, you can see my mirror here should you be so inclined. unfortunately, for my regulars this is recycled product. sorry. but it is currently 1:51am which is early compared to when i originally sent them my submission, so suck it up and be happy for us here.

i'm definitely talking to the wrong guy here

anonymous speaker
(something i overheard at a christmas party last weekend.)

i'm going to count to three

photos have been organized, judges have been put in the ready and prize money deposited in the bank. so, for all of you uber-procrastinators, this is truly your last chance, or rather midnight tonight is your last chance to get your everyman pictures in. i would like to thank everyone who has already contributed. thanks for taking the time. pictures will be posted and winners announced in one week (MON.12.17) so make sure to stop back by to see the fun.

oh, don't mind me. carry on.

i took my Computer Programming Theory final earlier this week. a few people have asked about the experience and if i?m all about being a java guru now. sure. why not. i?ve feigned worse. but, the major flaw here is in the question being asked. it?s not always about where we are in the end, but what, if any, memorable moments we incurred along the way. because it is, in the end, these moments that will keep us warm and grinning in our old age. so instead of boasting on the net result of this experience allow me to instead speak to one of the alpha moments over this last academic season.

my professor was a portly fellow, santa claus portly. this is good in an educator. he also oftentimes wore oxford shirts with a thin v-neck sweater on top as an accent piece also fitting the role. this is also good because you want your instructor to look instructorish. every class before lecturing the prof would run through some prepatory steps seemingly to get his game face on. these rituals included checking his silver chalk pencil for chalk, patting his shirt pocket for his red light beam laser, sliding his 64 oz quick trip beverage towards the rear of the desk and lastly, always lastly, hitching up his pants to their rightful place in preparation for the pacing and moving about that was moments from happening. now, i'm sure it goes without saying that it is here, in this final step, where the fun begins.

first, he would carefully fold the sweater up exposing the drooping belt line as well as the lowest buttons of the oxford. this creates a half-shirt kind of look (anyone remember those?) with the sweater. he then digs his thumbs inside his trousers at about 10 and 2, slightly bends his knees, causing a break in his legs, and then stands straight up, pulling sharply on his pants and leaning back with the flow. this process, when complete, could effectively raise his equator anywhere from 5-9 inches, depending on the given starting point, amount of flex in the knees and energy exerted on the upward lift. to conclude the ceremony, the sweater is neatly folded back down concealing the work area and smoothed out to quell any evidence that might point to the event.

i reckon this should not be a completely mesmerizing experience for me, but every time it occurred, i got the guilty feeling that not only was i witnessing some personal act, but that i was front and center for a terribly obscene ablution which was not meant for me. in fact, i would avert my gaze, but my leaning eyes betrayed this intention, acting on their own, committed to not missing a single stroke of this well-practiced and highly appreciated dance. so in answer to your question, i'm now, as can be seen, one java coding fool.

in the red

in checking my finances the other day, i realized that i had depleted my private slush fund. while most wouldn?t care about such a trivial detail other than myself, money from this account was to be used to pay out the awards in the everyman contest (only 5 more days).

so i thought of what i could sell (mmmmuuuussssttttt ssssseeeelllllllllll teeeeeeveeeeeeee) and couldn?t think of even a single item i could bear to part with. so i fell back on my FREE STATE beer jar which is always chuck full with the those shiny hard things we carry around in our pockets. if you?re not hip to the budgetary tip of never paying the change on anything, therefore only receiving it, and then dumping your change everyday into a container such as a FREE STATE beer jar, i?d encourage you to start. anyway, aint nothing to roll the prize money plus forty bucks out in quarters while watching monday night football. some days i get the impression that i?m alone in my thought that there is something crazy therapeutic about the process of rolling coin. if i could roll about two hundred k in nickels, i just might be centered enough to want to do something other than roll out coin.

now once i pay this out i?m going to be scraping the bottom of the wallet again, so if anyone knows of anyone who needs a website done, send them my way. i work for food. well the money that buys the food. as long as it can also be used to acquire an ipod. you know one of the basic staples of life.

what's on tonight dear

it has recently occurred to me that i was much happier when we didn't have a tv. i do not have the strength to turn it off or throw it out. this is a cry for help. will someone please come to my home and break or abscond with this digital time whore once and for all.

spare no expense, as long as it's under $100

while i don?t want to be the ever-reliable nay-sayer (because those people suck), i am going to crawl onto a limb here and say that i fear the worst on the lord of the rings trilogy, the first installment at least. i saw some of my first pr in regard to the effort and was surprised to get a glimpse at the fellow who was supposed to be frodo. i may only be halfway through the book, but nowhere in there do i get the impression that he is one of the n?sync boys. what?s up with this lanky male version of kate moss playing the lead to this epic. did they snare the costume guy from battlefield earth who magically transformed travolta (terl) from someone who looks like a new york slumlord to someone who looks even more like a new york slumlord. while i?m very much into the minimalist thing, i do believe there is a line. say a prayer for rings.

you better get off the dime, whatever that means

just one more week left in the everyman contest. so if you have aspirations of entering, i suggest you get to it, because word on the net is latecomers need not apply.