can you say jihad groupie

for reasons big and small i will be taking a short sabbatical from my duties here at dearmitt.com and will not be updating the site for the month of may. i apologize mostly to my stalker types, all three of you, in that i know you frequent my pages with unwavering if not unnerving consistency.

i?ll be back in june. see you then.

and we all know this absence is really due to the unrelenting schedule of the octoroon jihad tour.

coming to a town near you

ever wonder what happens when bookpimp and buddy james are left alone, bored and online over the weekend? allow them to put your whirling mind to rest with their recent creation.

after reviewing our touring schedule, i?m releived i didn?t throw my terry cloth thong out after all. especially since the stain is only visible when i?m not wearing it.

the grass is greener over there

headed to portland for the rest of the week.

while it is a work trip, i?m certain to spend a fair amount of time here.

i wouldn't chew on that if i were you

things found in bella?s diaper this weekend during changes: urine, feces, a jenga block and one domino.

so if you ever play dominos at my house, handle the double-six at your own risk.

i don?t see specific mention of this in the dress code

how wrong is it that i spend time contemplating how i can pull off wearing capri pants. i feel confident that these confused trousers would immediately satisfy about 7 different issues i have with every pant i own as well as all of those i don?t and are still on the rack. i tell every woman i know that if i were a woman i would be uber strong and not shave my legs or pits, burn and axe high heels and never ever wear pantyhose or bras (don?t even get me started on bras). but, here i sit, unable to shoulder a single and not too historic of a fashion battle. all i know is some sort of get out of jail free card should exist for those who have been dealt a physique as odd and contorted as mine. is it my fault that a small child could stand on my haunches or that the waistline of traditional pants attempt to rest in the space between my navel and nipples or that i have to buy my pants off the web where they honor ?irregular? sizes for ?irregular? folks.

perhaps if i called them beachcombers instead of capri pants.

we castrate on the second offense.

have you heard the latest? in attempt to quell the music sharing revolution, music companies are now selling cd's that not only won't play on a computer but will, by design, actually crash the computer if attempted ... like halting a computer mid-processing is some innocuous and meaningless matter.

before today i kept my napster, limewire, morpheus and other music sharing avenues to a moderate minimum before, out of respect of the abuse factor. it is now my intention to download every song sony music has ever produced and make it easily and readily available for any and all who may be so inclined to do the same. and if those dollar whores at sony and the other record companies think that the geeks on this planet will not break, crack, destroy and annihilate any safeguards they may take, they are thicker than the prophylactic measures they employ.

crash _my_ computer in the name of your profit margin. yeah, right. bite me sony.

martha stewart sleeps on the floor

marty and i have been married just over four years and i have finally, just now, convinced her to do away with the metal undercarriage to our bed. now the box spring is right on the floor and the mattress, obviously, sits on top of that. some people think it?s silly, stupid and without point. those people are wrong. and simple. and waste their hatred of things on really, really dumb stuff. if you are going to hate, you should hate something of consequence, something that merits your venom, like walgreens or people who say that titanic was really an ok movie.

reasons we are better off without the metalworks beneath our bed.

1. bella can climb in and out of the bed without the aid of a stepstool or boost from marty given her little baby legs.
2. troy can climb in and out of the bed without the aid of a stepstool or boost from marty given his malformed stub legs.
3. not tempted or able to store meaningless stuff under the bed.
4. more room in our room for my bursting ego.
5. summer is coming and we live in st louis and heat rises.
6. when in bed, the room looks super big and you can play the ?i?m a little munchkin living in a mushroom house and it all looks wildly out of proportion but that?s because i?m a munchkin guy and i am also wildly out of proportion? game.
7. the metal framework holding your box spring does not do anything. the fact that you think it serves a need is the result of a capitalist conspiracy.
8. after peeing the bed in the middle of the night and getting angrily thrown out by marty i don?t have as far to plummet.

now i just have to convince marty to let me hang up my black felt iron maiden posters and my vision will be complete.

just kill me now

i've not wanted something to be true this much since i heard that the don johnson music video collection was coming out in DVD. please, please, please let it be true!

Students at the LSU Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, stuck their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in and sucked the index finger. Pay attention people.

thanks pegster.

no library is complete without it

one of the worst things about being married is having to share the free selections from the quality paperback club membership with your spouse.

walt and i were in a heated argument as to whether one of our selections should be the newly available The Clitoral Truth or not. i?ll let you intuit who was voting against us getting it.

in a fit of frustration i suggested that she use one of her selections to get the book How to Make People Like You. i further suggested that she might even consider using both of her choices on that so she can get two copies given that amount of help she needed.

suffice it to say, we will not be getting The Clitoral Truth with this order.

suck.

my favorite far side

would you believe this one never got published? shocking.


  

a day in the life

below are three questions that were asked of buddy james last week. [preceeded by the type of person who asked]  

1. [kind of slow teenaged boy] do you have "children of the corn" on video?
2. [an oafish white girl in her twenties with a "transformers" hat on] do you have any books on may-hee-co?
3. [a japanese guy in his thirties with 2 kids in tow] do you have any cookbooks on CD?

editor's note: the only thing i'd pay more for than my very own transformers hat is to see an oafish white girl in her twenties wearing a transformers hat. i wouldn't go as far as to call it a fetish, but i just want to make it clear i'd pay a lot to see the/a girl.

do you have any of these in stock?

i want what can't be copied.