a story and conversation repository (est. 2000)
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a story and conversation repository (est. 2000)
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It's a time to give thanks for anatomy too often ignored by Steve Williams (column Prolapsed) as published in the Maneater (University of Missouri student paper) November 18, 1997 
This time of year is usually a therapeutic time for me. It is a time when I look deep within myself and appreciate those qualities that collectively compose my inner-psyche and well-being. Such meaningful introspection helps me to grow and mature as a responsible and functional member of society. Therefore, with Thanksgiving Day approaching, I thought it would be appropriate to share with you those parts of my anatomy for which I am thankful.
For starters, I would like to express a deep gratitude for my functioning sphincters. Sphincters are ring-like bands of muscle that are found throughout the gastrointestinal (GI) and urinary tracts. When a sphincter contracts, it prohibits the passage of contents from one section of the GI/urinary tract to the next. In doing so, sphincters perform the valuable function of coordinating the digestion of food. Furthermore, contraction of both the anal and urinary sphincters allow one to effectively postpone defecation and urination, respectively, until a socially acceptable time arises (such as the final seconds of the Nebraska game). Malfunctioning sphincters, on the other hand, are often implicated in disease. A malfunctioning sphincter at the top of the stomach often leads to symptoms of "heartburn" as stomach acids are permitted to enter the esophagus and cause irritation. Heartburn, however, would be the least of my troubles if I didn't have sphincters. For, without sphincters, I would more frequently piss, shit and vomit on myself. Secondly, I would like to thank my creator for giving me a parasympathetic nervous system. Simply put, the parasympathetic nervous system assists the vital organs of the body to function. Operating independent of conscious control, the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for numerous essential activities, including salivation and erection. More importantly, however, is the parasympathetic nervous system's control of GI tract movement. By driving digested dinners toward the derriere, the parasympathetic nervous system ensures that the GI tract does not become obstructed with fecal waste. If I didn't have a parasympathetic nervous system in my GI tract, I could get a condition known as "toxic megacolon". With toxic megacolon, my colon would swell astronomically and I would be so 'full of crap' that I could probably run for political office. Finally, I would like to give thanks for my temporal lobes. The temporal lobes are areas of the brain that play a major role in language, memory and the processing of sound. Located on both sides of the brain behind the ears, damage to the temporal lobes can result in a severe amnesia. Mere loss of memory, however, is far from the reason for which I am grateful for my temporal lobes. On rare occasions, this amnesia can be accompanied by a condition called Kluver-Bucy syndrome. Kluver-Bucy syndrome is most notably manifested by uncontrollable oral exploration (i.e. examining objects by placing them in one's mouth) and hypersexuality. Without my temporal lobes, I could get Kluver-Bucy syndrome and would probably bite or hump everything I saw. People may even begin to think that I was Marv Albert. You know what, I actually feel better already. By appreciating those things for which I previously ignored, I have achieved an inner-fulfillment. I will never be able to take urination, defecation or sexual inhibition for granted again. |
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