a story and conversation repository (est. 2000)
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a story and conversation repository (est. 2000)
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A Probing Issue by Steve Williams (column Prolapsed) as published in the Maneater (University of Missouri student paper) July 9, 1997 
This month marks the 50th anniversary of the alleged crash of an alien spacecraft near Roswell, New Mexico. While the Air Force repeatedly discounts the incident, alien enthusiasts have often touted it as a governmental conspiracy and cover-up. Outside of Roswell, most everyone seems to have some opinion on the presence of extraterrestrials. The numerous accounts of individuals reportedly abducted and subjected to various scientific experiments offers credence and, to many, solid evidence an advanced technology doesn't exist.
Of all the various experiments allegedly performed, the most notorious (and disturbing) are anal probes. Alien abductees typically describe these encounters as frightening experiences in which they were fully conscious but unable to move. All the while, their captors were inserting cold probes into their rectal orifices. Upon first hearing these reports, I was initially furious with these negligent celestial beings. I mean, everbody knows anal probes should be warmed prior to use! Secondly, I was dismayed ETs find our gastrointestinal (GI) tract so complex as to deem it necessary for repeated study. In fact, the GI system is fairly easy to comprehend. For the purpose of completeness, let's consider the world's most finely tuned digestive system: Rush Limbaugh's. Immediately following a large bite of cream-filled pastry, Rush begins to masticate (to chew). Through the process of mastication, the pastry is ultimately broken up and mixed with saliva. Now referred to as a bolus, the pastry is lubricated enough in order to be swallowed. Upon swallowing, the bolus enters the esophagus and is conducted towards the stomach via rhythmic esophageal contractions. In the stomach, the bolus is mixed vigorously to facilitate its contact with stomach acid. Stomach acids are indeed very potent and serve to kill bacteria and break up proteins. As the mixing process continues, the bolus becomes chyme (kime) and is released into the small intestine. The small intestine is a cylindrical structure almost nine feet long. It's sole purpose is absorbing nutrients, a process taking about 4 to 10 hours to complete. Coincidentally, this is exactly the amount of time Rush requires to jog nine feet. Assistants to the task of absorption are the liver, gall bladder and pancreas. The liver releases a substance known as bile and stores it in the gall bladder. With entry of chyme into the small intestine, bile is released and aids in the digestion of fats. The pancreas, on the other hand, not only neutralizes the acidic chyme, but also releases a variety of enzymes that function to break down carbohydrates, protein, and fats into an easily absorbable form. Chyme not absorbed in the small intestine now enters the large intestine, or colon. Once chyme enters the colon it is dehydrated and stored as waste. In comparison, Rush has the potential to store proportionately more fecal waste than you and me. One might even say that he is "full of shit." With the exception of a few details, you now have a medical-student-understanding of the GI system. If alien life forms struggle with this rather simple concept, then they most certainly pose no threat to us. We should probably just let them go about their probing and maybe they'll eventually figure it out. Indiscriminate alien butt probing, however, may not prove to be a popular issue. I'm actually terrified I may somehow enjoy such an experience. Therefore, I propose we donate Rush's GI tract to facilitate the education of aliens everywhere. Probing on that kind of scale would definitely require advanced technology. |
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