Ford, schmord. I don't need no stinkin' truck.

Man, this guy gives new meaning to pushing the envelope. I'm still laughing at myself for some of my precarious trips home from the hardware store compared to this guy.

The Roger Ebert of the Web

Someone recently turned me onto this website called Web Pages that Suck. Being a student of the genre I was anxious to pay the place a visit and get new and fresh insights. What a chasm of disappointment I tumbled into. This Vincent Flanders fellow is a complete self-aggrandizing fool and guru-wannabe. Here he has dedicated an entire effort to highlighting the sub-par and uninformed work of others but overlooked one significant requirement of such a venture ? The nay-sayer should most likely demonstrate a mastery of the medium before bashing others. You're site sucks V.F. And, I'm putting it at the top of my list of crappy sites, not because it is the worst but because your scathing reviews of others jettison you to the bottom of the food chain. It's called negative style points.

Now, don't misunderstand me, many of the sites on the web could be improved. But, this guy is not the Macgyver we've been waiting for to point out what and who they are. Furthermore, it's OSHA-safe to say if this guy orchestrated all web development, it would be the fad that the 50-year old guy in my office claims it to be. But, when it comes down to it, I predominately feel sorry for aspiring developers who actually listen to this dullard. It's like Jonestown all over again.

Elevator Etiquette 201 (bosnian rendition)

1. Do not urinate in the elevator. It may seem like a convenient, private location, but the entrance-way to the building is usually better ventilated.
2. Do not cast objects over five pounds of weight into the elevator shaft. Although the shaft is very deep and has space for a large amount of trash, heavy objects could penetrate the roof of the elevator, causing hurt to passengers inside. This rule does not apply if you are certain that the elevator car is on a floor above you.
3. While forcing your way into the elevator, it is polite to excuse yourself when you need to push others by the arms and shoulders and buttocks. While entering, if you accidentally push people in the face or in the privates, a quick apology is in order.
4. On average-sized elevators (approx. 3 feet wide by 4 feet long) the passenger limit should generally be regarded as 6. It is not polite to force your way onto a 3 by 4 elevator if there are already six people on board.
5. While writing, drawing or spray-painting on the walls of elevator, make sure not to get any felt marker or paint on fellow passengers.
6. While the elevator is moving, avoid contact with the floors passing by the open door. A poorly placed arm or leg could quickly be torn off if caught between a floor and the elevator car.
7. Especially for new users: If the elevator car jerks strongly or free-falls for a meter or two, do not panic or scream. Locals find this behavior disruptive and irritating.
8. While smoking on the elevator, try not to blow smoke directly in other's faces, and try not to touch them with the burning end of your butt. Remember that it is safer to extinguish your finished cigarette on the floor of the elevator rather that to cast it down an elevator shaft and risk it making contact with unseen flammables.
9. If you are a non-smoker, do not grimace, wince or cough while others smoke in the elevator car. This is considered extremely rude and presumptuous by the locals.

Item compliments of Chris McGrath, retired web developer and bosnian resident. This certainly does help to put things in perspective, chris and gina are ever-reliable on that front.

please step away from the camera

j-lo, cruise, stallone, puff, eminem. What used to only live in the enquirer now rates the 10:00 news. I can't be the only one miffed about this marzipan use of our country's great communication network, but I'm also not the only one who does not consume these channels of import regularly. Therefore, the question stands, how does one boycott something they do not use or purchase in the first place? Best answer receives a free VHS tape of Christian Slater's classic opus Kuffs.

I'm not kidding, the ex-radio promotion is in a box in my basement right now

what did you d/l just before napster died?

so last night i do a google search on MIAMI VICE MUSIC and the first hit leads me here. Now while i could poke fun at that fact that this site exists, i feel unable to for three reasons:

1. i actually conducted a search for the information.
2. it is exactly what i was looking for and is pure gold.
3. it is 500% more useful than my own site.

for those of you thinking i'm dating myself with this crocket and tubbs reference , realize that i was literally dating myself in the mid 80's given that this show ran at 9pm on fridays (MOM! I WAS TAPING THAT!).

what year wrecked me most

While still pretty lean, I've opened up the Year In Review. See what made me the man I am today by reading the highlights and travails of my life, one year at a time. I considered not doing this given the non-eventful nature of my existence but am a believer that everyone has a tale to tell. Couple that with my prowess for self-deprecation and this may actually pan out to provide some good web-fodder for you, my subscriber.

Will you be my dumbass

If you are one to celebrate the vapid and spiritless event known as valentines day, please deviate from the American boilerplate special of a dozen roses, heart-shaped box of chocolates, local Italian cuisine and movie. And I don't mean get snow-caps and drop the movie. What I do mean is drop it all, recognize that every swinging Richard in the continental United States is on this program, and everyone knows it. It's a marketing screwjob, a hallmark conspiracy. Boycott v-day and just spoil your partner in a week, month or never. I promise you will be equally benefited.

Please don't touch me

I have always been very particular about both who/what I touch and what/who touches me. I eat pizza and fries with a fork, pour movie popcorn in my mouth and hit hand dryers in the bathroom with my clothed elbow. Now I know why, I'm just protecting one of my most valuable organs. Still not convinced, let Dr. Stevie have a crack in our second installment of his maneater column Prolapsed.

And, you thought you were having a bad day II

excerpt from The Autobiography of Malcolm X by Alex Haley

I once entered the pinewood derby

Nothing needs to be said about this offering other than receiving nuggets like this is what keeps me in my email.

What Happened!?!

The more astute may have already noticed that the MonoRail page has a new look. In an empathetic gesture to my modem users, I have made a more user-friendly version of this page. When visiting previously, you were inundated with the entire history of my ravings. Now you will only be assaulted with the last 20, or at your request categorized views which may be loaded in the Archives section to the right.

Also in the right-hand pane you will find some new options which receive more regular updates as well as a few new additions like the Thorns and Roses section, my book reviews and much much more is coming.

Please let me know of any issues you may experience while using this newer version of the page and I hope you find it to be a kinder, gentler page. And, oh yeah, in the event you ever visited any of my links, they are now located at the bottom of the page and have a quick link to them in the left pane.

Are you reading over my shoulder

Still looking for something to read? Perhaps I can encourage or deter you from a particular book. Feel free to have a look at what I've been reading and get my two cents on the work. It aint the new york times, but neither is your subscription price.

That there's a black wida

Awhile back I had read somewhere that the most venomous spider known to man was the daddy long legs but were not a threat to humans because their teeth were unable to pierce our skin. The other day I read an article in Natural History (02.01) discussing this very thing. It reported that this was a misreported item by the American media some time ago. Evidently, some scientists published a report about the most poisonous spiders in Australia and one of the listed arachnids was the daddy long legs. Only problem, there long legs is not the same as ours. The American source who spied this story did not make this distinction and reported it as fact. The public at large quickly leapt on the interesting morsel and it soon became the most asked question within the spider kingdom. Sorry for any I duped with the above and I apologize for contributing to urban legend, it was not my intention.

Allow me to introduce

Rockefeller. Finally after 8 months in the cooker we can now answer everyone's question of "What is it?" It definitely appears to be human. Furthermore, after several embarrassing instances of commenting on a certain body part only to have the sonogram tech correct us by pointing out that the alleged item is in fact the placenta we can now confidently discern this from that. Please have a look for yourself.