hate the eLove and his sucky ePod

so not even 10 minutes after making yesterday's post about how i'm sick and it's because i haven't got my iPod yet, my FORMER friend e-love sends me the following email and picture.

So when Carrie's in town and buys an iBook, guess what $200 off promotion she decided to let her brother-in-law participate in? I'm so happy. :)



i was clear on the FORMER friend bit, right? and the sister-in-law ain't so high in my book either. granted, i'm five months delinquent in responding to an email from her, but still!

cough, hack, phlegm, fart and moan

i'm sick. i'm certain it's because i haven't been able to buy my new ipod yet. i told marty that my health will continue to slide until this need has been sated. you know what she said?

"you've got thirty two dollars in your savings account. if that's how much a shiny new ipod cost, then knock yourself out." (she said the words 'shiny new ipod' while flitting her hands around in the air mockingly)

you know what i said...
"why do YOU know how much money I have in MY checking account?"

you see this is what i call getting to the point while confusing the subject. but she's good, as can be seen in her response...
"cuz i'm smart"

i wasn't expecting that. now reeling, i have no choice but to revel in the suck that is my financial situation...
"thirty two dollars. that ain't very much!"

while having my loving wife rub my nose in the sad state of things...
"no it ain't."

looks like we may be seeing a new ipod fund on the horizon. and i got that one without selling blood or semen which means this time around should be a snap because if this latest illness has taught me anything, it's taught me that i'm all about the bodily fluid. just ask marty.

don't leave home without it

click here

an inquiring mind that has got to know

a new question (and answer) was added to the frequently asked questions page of the everyman site. this is the sort of patronage the everyman attracts. it don't get a whole lot better than this.

note the third question.

and speaking of the everyman, this year's deadline is closer than you think. the beginning of august represents the two months left mark. so if you've been thinking about it, start thinking faster. i'm over 600 photos so far and sadly the FROM THE ATTIC category is way lighter than i thought it would have been. it's a wide open affair.

talk about a punch in the mouth

i almost bought one of these today which means if i don't own one by friday, i've been kidnapped and locked in a basement to serve as someone's gimp or hit by a cellphone talking motorist. and for those who have never met me, we're talking about the 40gb variety, not the child-size 20.

and, the sweetest part of this whole announcement is that it comes on the heels of sony's media player challenge to apple. even before apple released these new models it took me all of two seconds to see that what sony came to play with had no kind of prayer. sony seems to think people buy the ipod solely for disk space, size and the whatnot. how can the makers of the vaio be that clueless about the design and innovation factors behind apple's player. regardless, with a sexier, cheaper ipod up to bat, sony may as well cut their losses and donate the units they've produced to retirement communities or the like cuz theys about to get a very solid ass-whoopin.

and, let us not forget sony's last contribution to the computer-based music scene. not exactly who i want in charge of my digital media.

for any potential buyers of my first generation ipod, i think marty's got eyes for it.

and in closing, sony please bite me ... yet again.

boy, that was quick ... and quiet

i'm already the number one hit on google for 'silent tampon'.

and in my defense, this is not something i search through google for on a daily basis, i saw multiple hits for that string in my logs.

although i might be good for a biannual search on silent tampons or some such derivative.

you're talking to the jenifer aniston of D-block

a guy and i were talking at work about what it would be like to go to jail, like for-real jail.

he was all 'man if i went to jail the guys would seriously have their way with me'.

this guy is a pretty normal looking dude. normal height, normal weight, has to shave everyday, beginning to lose his hair. you know normal dude. additionally, he doesn't have a feminine thread in him. given all of this, i had to set the boy straight.

'no offense man, but who the hell do you think you're talking to. look at me. i'm five foot eight, all creamy smooth cuz i've got no body hair, full head of hair. to those guys i might as well be alyssa milano. hell, throw in my big cyclist ass and you got j-lo herself bunking over you.'

now oddly enough, after defending my standing as the more appealing prison bitch, i swear this guy didn't look at me the same the rest of the day. is there such a thing as a corporate cube bitch? if so, i'm afraid i may already be spoken for.

no, i just got something in my eye

movies that have made me cry ...

1. the champ
2. where the red fern grows
3. life is beautiful
4. fahrenheit 911

and, on that last one, i'm not talking about a welling up in the eyes but about full-on, cheek-streaming tears.

ask not what your office can do for you ...

remember the story i told a week or two ago about the 4-yr old kid in my neighborhood who peed funny and how i thought i would become a legend if i urinated like him in my office commode . i've had more than one person tell me to stone-up and just go ahead and whiz funny in the john, becoming said legend. something about how i'm always preaching memorable moments and all.

my response to them is that i would but when the legend was retold by the guys i work with it would begin like this:

"hey do you remember that mo-fo we kicked the shit out of for pissin' wierd in the bathroom?"

the up-side is they would remember me, perhaps not by name, but they would remember me, and hence the legendary status.

don't make me choose hon

sorry i haven't been with you the last few days. we've been sitting in the dark after a huge storm knocked much of our city's power out for a day and a half. many are still waiting to have it restored and are going on day three. while i want to say suck i think some folks over in iraq went six plus weeks which makes 36 hours seem a little on the paltry side.

fact is, if you put aside the food rotting in our fridge, my house kind of enjoyed living like the ingles for a couple of days. marty actually said we should forego electricity for one 24 hour period every month. i'm not sure if that will happen but this latest round of darkness and lack of air conditioning surely proved effective in drawing the neighborhood out of their tv rooms.

sadly, the only thing keeping me from being 100% on board with marty's day of darkness is humor like rock, paper, saddam!.

i know it's not polite to stare, but ...

speaking of baby having, i just learned that the woman across the street had her second kid in a wheelchair at the entrance of the hospital. below are random snippets from our conversation.

me: so you didn't make it to the room. were you in the lobby, the parking lot or what?
her: yes. i was sitting in a wheelchair but could reach out and touch the door of our car.

me: was anyone around?
her: it was noon at the main entrance of a large city hospital on a workday. yes, there were people around.

me: did anyone just kind of stop to watch?
her: twenty people applauded when the kid fell out of me.

me: what was the first thing you said afterward?
her: can i please have a robe.

me: after having a kid on the front steps of a hospital would you give an ounce of shit about a totally silent tampon wrapper?
her: a what?
me: yeah, that's what i thought.

i think you will find my rates quite reasonable.

i am starting a business. i'm going to be a Nula. to answer your next question, a Nula is a naked doula. and, if you don't know what a doula is, it is someone who helps a woman have a baby.

why does the doula have to be naked? well, simply because the woman having the baby is naked, or should be naked at least. and why should this naked woman have to be surrounded by a bunch of folks who are dressed. i strongly believe everyone in a delivery room should be naked and this is my contribution to this missive. i will show up at anyone's delivery, undress in the bathroom, walk out and say "now let's have us a baby" while rubbing my hands together excitedly. this is the service i will provide.

and lucky for me i have two friends days from having a baby. guess that do-it-yourself brazilian waxing kit isn't going to go to waste after all. only question is will jenn or tracy get to see the goods first.