how wrong is it that i spend time contemplating how i can pull off wearing capri pants. i feel confident that these confused trousers would immediately satisfy about 7 different issues i have with every pant i own as well as all of those i don't and are still on the rack. i tell every woman i know that if i were a woman i would be uber strong and not shave my legs or pits, burn and axe high heels and never ever wear pantyhose or bras (don't even get me started on bras). but, here i sit, unable to shoulder a single and not too historic of a fashion battle. all i know is some sort of get out of jail free card should exist for those who have been dealt a physique as odd and contorted as mine. is it my fault that a small child could stand on my haunches or that the waistline of traditional pants attempt to rest in the space between my navel and nipples or that i have to buy my pants off the web where they honor "irregular" sizes for "irregular" folks.

perhaps if i called them beachcombers instead of capri pants.