I'm 90% certain that the cause behind our debilitating eco-system stems from burnt microwave popcorn. How can you mess this up? And, if you mess this up, how can you think it acceptable to not go to every person within nasal shot of your crime and grovel for forgiveness on violating their personal space with your culinary ineptitude. Not only does this produce one of the most unnatural smells known to man, but it does not say a whole lot for your ability to contribute and/or participate in this thing we call life. Being one who still uses a pre-JiffyPop recipe to make my corn, I am flabbergasted that someone can fail in this meager endeavor.

As long as we have humans unable to follow a set of instructions that begin with "Place bag in microwave", I vote for government regulation restricting who can engage in this complex form of food preparation. Unless of course you plead uncertainty given that steps two and three of the instructions could not be consulted since they were written on the bag which was currently spinning in circles in the radiation box.

Just in time for spring, I offer the following frosty beverage to complement these wonderfully breezy days, assuming your climate is in such a state at this time. Several of the restaurants I wandered into in the Pacific Northwest served this modest derivation to our mid-west staple. Up there in volcano country, they sexy up there lemonade by adding strawberries. A traveling mate intuited the mechanics of this concoction and passed it on. I have since served it up at several social gatherings and the frothy grog has been a raving success. So allow me to share this simple recipe so you may also spread liquid joy to any guests you may entertain in the summer months.

Ingredients: 1 container frozen lemonade concentrate, 1 square of frozen strawberries and water.

Directions: Empty contents of Lemonade, Strawberries and 1 lemonade container of water into blender. Mix well and pour into serving pitcher. Add remaining water as directed by lemonade instructions and enjoy.

I have long been berated for my theory that McDonalds treats their fries with some form of addictive agent. Now as is usually the case, I possessed no supporting evidence of this claim other than my sharply honed acumen. Until now that is.

The other night NPR featured a fast food guru who was talking about none other than fast food. The interviewer, to my surprise, asked about the fry thing and the guest authority talked about how McDonalds had, in the past, cooked their fries in beef instead of vegetable oil until their methods were questioned and they moved to the more common program. However, not wanting to alter the taste they treated their fries with a mysterious animal extract. And, hence maintain their ruling status as king of the fry-makers.

Walt and I are about to celebrate our 3rd wedding, 11th together anniversary. We honeymooned in the big N.O., New Orleans for any nubiles out there. This probably wasn't the best-suited locale for us. We dont drink, eat very little, and reserve our nudity for one another. One might think, well, you got each other. Yes we did, but on this day we have been sharing such time for eight years and we ha...