last month my momz was in the newspaper. you see, there's recently been a syphilis outbreak in saint louis and when stuff like that goes down, people give my mom a shout because she's all over knowing the score about broken and malfunctioning genitals.

in the articles my mom referred to some 'sex-oriented social events' that took place late last year which were thought to be the source of the city's current dilemma. one thing that people will never be able to say about me is that the phrase 'sex-oriented social event' didn't grab my attention. so when mom was over for bella's birthday party i asked about her comments.

let's just say i got 20 bucks that says my mom has uttered the phrase 'spanksgiving' and your mom has not.

bella on observing grandma's natvity scene had been put away after the holidays.

i think it was dennis miller who once discussed how strange the moments immediately following sex seem. you're looking around wondering who put a dog collar on you. you can't believe your wife allowed one of you to pour molasses all over her newest linens. you contemplate how you ever stretched her 'bad kitty' thong over your thighs and equally significant, how you expect to remove them. you know, all the usual suspects of a post-coital tryst.

this stupor aptly describes my sentiments regarding christmas. now that it is in the books, i look around my home wondering what idiot vomited this vast collection of red and green baubles everywhere and more importantly, why am i the schmuck expected to put it all away?

i believe to get a representative feel for what life is like somewhere you have to capture the unceremonious words and images around you. the following snippet i overheard between marty and bella offers some insight into life in our home.

BELLA
can santa say words like dammit and stupid?

MARTY
i imagine he can but i bet he chooses different words.

BELLA
i bet he doesn't choose different words and does say dammit and stupid. a lot.

and, in the event you're still a little fuzzy on the scene, this conversation might sharpen the picture a touch more.

my home needs a new toilet. our current toilet is over 80 years old, the original, and sprays water out of the supply pipe when flushed. it has needed replaced for some time but i have struggled with the decision. you see, the world is no longer accepting of these five-gallon giant killers. they've been banned, cast onto the growing heap of products deemed poor for our environment. for me, it is a...

man is my mom going to hate this photo. but not nearly as much as i'm going to hate the one my family goes on at an official photo studio, ala olan mills, in the days to come. "you tilt your head this way...now you move a little to the left...you rest your elbow on your knee like you're relaxing...you tilt your head back the other way...now everyone smile...eveyone have fun...can someone make the ...

a favorite pastime of mine is to get people talking about, in public, things they ordinarily would not talk about in public. over time i have found a few topics which make even the most stalwart squeamish, but conciliatory all the same. i'm not sure how this came to be. i think in that people seem more authentic (not to mention interesting) when you can get them off of their typical and canned con...

remember ... there are a lot of people who won't be having as good of a or even having a holiday this season. make your's meaningful.

ahhhh, december. the best month ever-ever-ever created. christmas, playoffs, long breaks from school/work, snow, my birthday, goodwill, receiving gifts, aspirations of self-improvement, snow, giving gifts, cheer, getting the christmas shakes the night before christmas, social gatherings, carol of the bells, cards from friends, empty streets on christmas day, snow, the grinch (animated only), fires...