as bella worked her way towards her teens, numerous people warned us of our pending doom, advising us to enjoy our little girl while it lasted. not having navigated the waters yet, marty and i found it hard to make a qualified defense to the assertions. so instead we kept saying and believing that it didn't have to go that way. the other night after reading to the boys for bed, i sat down at my computer to tend to the day's email. filling the screen was an open word document. it read:
Hey dad,
Everyone says that becoming a teenager is hard and that everything will change your relationship with the ones that you love, the amount of sleep that you get, your free time, the things that you're interested in. A lot of these things have begun to change in my life already, but if there's one thing that I want to make sure doesn't change it's the relationship that I have with you, mom, Alex and Anthony. I love each and everyone of you and I've noticed myself becoming more and more distant, you have to. I'm going to do everything that I can to show that I love you and the rest of the family. I just wanted to let you know because I know that you've noticed the changes and I want to make sure that you know that I'm going to try.
So this is my promise that I'm going to do everything that I am capable of to keep my relationship with the people in the family as wonderful as it is right now.
I love you and I'm going to continue loving you until the day that you die (which won't be very long, sadly). I know that in the future we're going to have some big fights and I just want to make sure that if I ever say something or do something that makes it seem like I don't love you, you know that I do love you and will never stop.
Love you, forever and always,
Bella
regarding these "inevitable" fights, i believe i have come upon a secret weapon which can mitigate both the frequency and volatility of these altercations. i call it, blandly, the twenty minute rule. the twenty minute rule states that if you ever see a family member, especially a child, coming off the rails you need to evacuate the area, isolating the failing human as quickly as possible for approximately twenty minutes. most typically, once a reaction begins, there's no preventing it. thinking you can steer around it would be like thinking you can stop yourself from projectile vomiting by holding your hand over your mouth. so evacuate the building. don't look the infected human in the eyes. move everyone out of the blast radius and quarantine the affected human so that when they do blow there are no innocents within shrapnel range as this can lead to chain reactions, sometimes bringing a whole home into emotional ruin.
guided meditations often point out that just like with weather, there are always blue skies overhead. it's just that sometimes we can't see them because a cloud front has moved in, blocking the view. the thing that makes the twenty minute rule work is that the systems are always in motion and if unprodded will typically move past just as swiftly as they rolled in. but if they are provoked they will grow in size and temper. give them space, they will move on and before you know it, you'll be looking at blue skies again. this is one of the advantages of an ever-changing universe and understanding that in the time it took you to read this sentence the world about you is forever changed and never to again look the way it did when you read the first word of this sentence. so let it change. embrace the change. and when you see dark skies, seek cover because oftentimes the storm clouds will move out as swiftly as they moved in.
also, i've learned this technique also applies with adult, professional relationships but for reasons both obvious and nuanced, the window is more like 24 hours instead of twenty minutes. the classic example here is not sending that angry email at the peak of your angst, but waiting until the next day, re-reading it, and seeing if you think it would be sensible to send it on. rarely have i looked at that email after a night's sleep and thought, yes, this is the push in the shoulder that's going to make this human act more civily towards me.
here you can see the twenty minute rule taking form several years back.
