Someone recently told me that when it comes to matters of sending children to diversely populated schools, meaning there are people in attendance who are not devout Caucasians, it is more of a problem for the parent than it is for the student. I think I agree with this observation. I also think that if I try really, really hard, I could make a parallel to that argument and the one that rages on around the topic of circumcision. Anyone think I can't? Because, if not I will spare you my insights. But, if there is a single person out there in the world wide web who is saying, "No Troy, I don't think you can draw a significant connection between the two" I will not waste your time. Oh wait a minute. Do I see a hand in the very back of the auditorium? Yes ma'am, you, the one who has never met me, never heard of me nor has ever read a single thing I've ever written or said, you do not think I could make such a case.

All right, I'll give it a shot. Where to begin? I guess at the source. The number one reason PARENTS circumcise their children is so they don't look funny in the locker room. Strong argument. But, if you would take the moment you saved by not considering this decision in the first place, you'd realize that your son, if not circumcised, would not be in the locker room to begin with because he would be unable to participate in sports given his unwieldy and un-aerodynamic foreskin. You don't think uncircumcised people can run do you? What, did you flunk ninth grade biology or what? Sheesh.

The number two reason PARENTS circumcise their children is out of fear, primarily the fathers, that their son will think it's peculiar that his penis does not look like his fathers. While very magnanimous on the father's part, if you are hoping, thinking, desiring your 4-year-old son to gaze at his penis and then yours and exclaim the words, "Wow, dad, your penis looks just like mine? I'd like to meet you. I'd like to meet you because if this were me and if my son made this same observation towards Yappy in the din of the shower one day I would, after lopping my obviously insignificant root off, forever retreat from society because when the villagers found a 32 year old man sporting a four year olds bald and pointy staff, I'm quite certain they would descend on my like John Merrick in the train station and stone me to death to remove my ill-functioning genes from the stagnating and leaf covered pool.

Get a grip guys. It's not your dick you're cutting up. And, for those uncertain of my stance on this matter, please send me a self addressed envelope and a picture of your god-given, doctor mutilated member and I will draw in brown crayon what you would look like had your parents paused to consider the non self-serving ramifications of this measure and return it to you for posterity sake.