it was ten years ago today that dearmitt.com posted it's first monorail entry which means i've now been chipping away at this slab of stone for a quarter of my life.

the result, thus far, is 1,450 monorail postings, 123 gallery updates, 131 troyscripts, and 93 books read.

since i began i've had three children and one wife. i've buried two hermit crabs and had a hobbled knee repaired. my tennis game has gotten worse but i've learned how to make stained glass windows. i spent many brain cells railing against television, circumcision, and walgreens. to my knowledge, all of my preachings and ravings resulted in a single benefactor and that in the form of a small boy who was the subject of an international adoption and has me to thank for still possessing the foreskin he came into this world with.

my hope in the next ten years is to sway not one but two decisions that take place on this bustling and frenetic planet of ours. i'm not picky about the nature of the influence, it's just nice to know you're not always talking to yourself.

i was sent the following article on circumcision by someone who said they wanted to be the first to bring it to my attention, hoping to beat the droves of others who would certainly be directing the link my way. she's right on one point, i for sure get tons of email alerting me to penis related literature. she's wrong though in thinking it's all circumcision related.

i'm not sure what to think of this. i'm suspect of a 'study' done where the author repeatedly qualifies the efficacy of their methods. the angle has certainly been done before; if you want to know if life is better clipped or unclipped, ask sexually mature folks who have seen both sides of the mountaintop. i agree there is merit in such an approach but i think more needs to be uniformly understood about the subjects to better qualify their responses. as for what sorts of additional things, all sorts of things; their background, their experiences, their teachings, their expectations, their medical state, etc, etc, etc.

in defense, i was kind of hoping to get through this online/web/blog experience without sharing one of my most simple analogies, but i can see that's no longer in the cards ...

your penis is your race car. it's the shiniest, fastest, coolest car you'll ever have the privilege to operate. as for the preservation of this fine automobile you've got two choices; you can keep it housed in a finished, heated and attached garage or you can park it under that sugar-gum tree in front of your home where kids will bounce balls off it, rain, snow and sleet will pelt it and birds will evacuate their bowels on its windshield and paint. when it comes time to drive your sleek mobile down the interstate at 90 or even leisurely trek to your local park, would you rather roll out of the garage in the pristine and protected model or pull away from the curb in the dinged and pollen-covered one?

i did mention that birds are taking dumps on one of them, right? and, if you need help with my analogy, please ask someone you know to explain it to you (i'm not certain they will be able to help but would love being responsible for the expression on their face knowing you asked them to translate the above paragraph for you).

thanks lisa. you were the first.

and i wish all of you and all of your sports cars a happy valentines day.

i met a new girl recently and asked her the question i ask all new girls i meet; has she ever seen an uncircumcised penis? her response: i feel as though if i could have gotten her to continue for seven more seconds she would have told me that she, herself, had an uncircumcised penis.

and god knows what i would have gotten with fifteen more seconds, the opportunity to see it for myself perhaps?

i currently have a few too many friends. and gobs more acquaintances than i'd ever know what to do with. so it's time to thin the herd a bit.

ok. what to share? i just want to run a few of you off. not too many, certainly not everyone. ok. i got it. hows about this:

i liked the film legally blonde a lot. and, not as in, i liked it for what it was. i liked it a whole lot, period.

i reckon that should take a few of you out at the knees. it's been real. best of luck. have a super summer. xoxoxo.

ok. carry on. that will be all for today.

i watched the season premier of nypd blue the other night. it seems they plan to go out swinging in this, their farewell season. one of the plot lines followed a guy who received a botched circumcision at birth and was subsequently converted to a woman at infancy only to get it reversed in adulthood. i told you those things were bad, and that's circumcisions, not sex changes.

in another thread they introduced some new talent to the show, another female detective. i gotta tell ya, this 15th precinct somehow manages to attract the most beautiful policewomen of all time. i mean sure, when i think new york city female cop, i think smoking hot women, don't we all. three things all of blue's girls have in common:

all of them weigh less than a buck twenty
all of them could pose for playboy
and, none of them would ever go out with me

and, this is all it takes to be a lady detective on nypd blue; staggering beauty and a willingness to reject yours truly.

just as my campaign against circumcision was ebbing, i learned that i had my first admitted/documented conversion. and by this i mean when these new parents were having the discussion about to chop or to not chop my name came up, and in a positive way, a convincing way.

now some of you may be thinking that for all the raving i do, it is amazing that this is my first conversion. i know that's what i thought when my jehovah's witness friend told me that after knocking on doors every week for ten years he had yet to convert someone. i thought what conviction, what perseverance, what a lunatic. in fact, his dedication proved sturdier than mine because i was ready to give up the foreskin fight after just three years of rejection. but, the most disheartening fact about it all was not the futility but the near-believers. the people who nodded in agreement. the people who saw the logic before them. the people who could see the flaws in the process and still decided, in the end, to take the knife to their infant boys.

for those who want the converts' names, whether your intention be congratulatory or inflammatory (for rekindling my faith) forget about it. all of my client information is kept in the strictest of confidence, especially the clients i like.

i heard an interesting person interviewed on the radio. she is a party motivator. more simply, she could be called a party ringer. someone with guaranteed charm, charisma and a way of bringing people out of their shells. yesterday i was bemoaning how i'm not a party guy, but this i could do. it's all about the objective. if i was being paid to interact i would have an excuse to interact and could then justify it even if not fulfilling.

her core skill involved stimulating conversation. i could stimulate conversation. i've been known to do this many a time. only difference is she would ask questions like...

what did you want to be when you were in high school and what do you do now?
who is cuter, justin timberlake or leonard dicaprio?
who here thinks mud baths don't renovate a woman?
don't you just love wearing capri pants in the early fall?

where i would ask questions more along the lines of ...

are you circumcised?
will you circumcise your children?
have you ever seen an uncircumcised member?
don't you think men should be able to wear capri pants?

while getting my own party motivator business off the ground, i think you'll find my rates to be quite fair. but i suggest you book me before demand becomes too great.

so Thin When Tan Girl came over for dinner last night with her new special friend whom marty casually refers to, when speaking to me, as big boob-ed brian. it's not that brian himself has a significant rack or anything. it's just that i consistently couldn't remember if his name was ryan or brian. since marty volunteered this easy memory tool, i shockingly am not so confounded.

given Thin When Tan Girl's apprehension about the meeting, i agreed to not talk about circumcision, masturbation or defecation with the big boob-ed one given the maiden meeting, something about first impressions or the like.

i failed miserably.

somewhat on the sly i asked if he was born in america. yes. so you're cut. uhhm, yes. yeah, me too.

then upon learning that he went to an essentially all-male college i intuited, correctly might i add, that he's about a once a day guy.

and we commiserated about the fact that we each had a bowel-challenged coworker in our office who defiled just about every aspect of the clean air act. and each of our guys had fans, conveniently blowing their Pigpen like swill out of their cube into the common areas we are all forced to share. what's with these guys and those damn under the desk oscillating fans. i can't wear a halter top to work but the guy on the pure taco bell diet can install an exhaust fan the size of an boeing plane engine beneath his desk? it just ain't right.

but, it was nice meeting you mammary man and i can assure you that our discourse will become more stimulating once i get to know you better.

Someone recently told me that when it comes to matters of sending children to diversely populated schools, meaning there are people in attendance who are not devout Caucasians, it is more of a problem for the parent than it is for the student. I think I agree with this observation. I also think that if I try really, really hard, I could make a parallel to that argument and the one that rages on around the topic of circumcision. Anyone think I can't? Because, if not I will spare you my insights. But, if there is a single person out there in the world wide web who is saying, "No Troy, I don't think you can draw a significant connection between the two" I will not waste your time. Oh wait a minute. Do I see a hand in the very back of the auditorium? Yes ma'am, you, the one who has never met me, never heard of me nor has ever read a single thing I've ever written or said, you do not think I could make such a case.

All right, I'll give it a shot. Where to begin? I guess at the source. The number one reason PARENTS circumcise their children is so they don't look funny in the locker room. Strong argument. But, if you would take the moment you saved by not considering this decision in the first place, you'd realize that your son, if not circumcised, would not be in the locker room to begin with because he would be unable to participate in sports given his unwieldy and un-aerodynamic foreskin. You don't think uncircumcised people can run do you? What, did you flunk ninth grade biology or what? Sheesh.

The number two reason PARENTS circumcise their children is out of fear, primarily the fathers, that their son will think it's peculiar that his penis does not look like his fathers. While very magnanimous on the father's part, if you are hoping, thinking, desiring your 4-year-old son to gaze at his penis and then yours and exclaim the words, "Wow, dad, your penis looks just like mine? I'd like to meet you. I'd like to meet you because if this were me and if my son made this same observation towards Yappy in the din of the shower one day I would, after lopping my obviously insignificant root off, forever retreat from society because when the villagers found a 32 year old man sporting a four year olds bald and pointy staff, I'm quite certain they would descend on my like John Merrick in the train station and stone me to death to remove my ill-functioning genes from the stagnating and leaf covered pool.

Get a grip guys. It's not your dick you're cutting up. And, for those uncertain of my stance on this matter, please send me a self addressed envelope and a picture of your god-given, doctor mutilated member and I will draw in brown crayon what you would look like had your parents paused to consider the non self-serving ramifications of this measure and return it to you for posterity sake.

at a wedding the other night (congrats john and sacha), i surprisingly found myself in a discussion about circumcision. after a young woman said that she would absolutely cut any boys she had, i proffered the standard "if you circumcise your boys, you must also circumcise your girls." this is usually enough to fluster even the most steady-witted of women. she turned to me and very calmly replied (and i paraphrase but you'll get the gist):

"well, unless i'm mistaken, the women of this society have been both mentally and emotionally circumcised by the patriarchal founders of our culture."

this retort went on but my head was reeling for a worthy reply (none was had) but i capitulate and extend kudos to the most creative piece of social banter i've encountered this year. thanks for the humor michelle.