a story and conversation repository (est. 2000)

1995 ( 27 Years Old )

This whole year I had a job where I had to ask to go to the bathroom. Can you imagine? A semi-grown individual having to announce, beg and inquire to move his bowels. And you had better not be incontinent or have a delicate bladder (the latter a sleight issue I contend with still today) because negative marks would be placed next to those who made the pilgrimage to the porcelain Mecca on too regular a basis. With that said and after digesting this policy, I internally waged war on the culture around me, quietly in my mind at first, for this injustice and how mature men and women could be treated in this schoolhouse manner.

Then one day I concluded that rather than toe the party line in a proper and humble fashion I would embrace their policy and make it known to all around that Troy DeArmitt had serious and necessary business to attend to. Loud and proud became my mantra and even after requests be made that I table my shrill calls to nature, I thwarted the overlords and shouted more heartily that my large intestine was full and neurons were, at this very moment, racing to my brain demanding a particular action be taken and I request, officially, that I be relieved of my post so that I may answer this biological necessity.

Long after this dance was viewed routine by my workmates and superiors, I was on the victor's chair responding to said need when I became aware of a gentleman in the stall next to me attending to a rather unique and personal matter on his bathroom pass. Only after acutely studying the long shadows cast on the bathroom floor that appeared more like some crazed marionette show than anything did I conclude that my suspicions concerning this fellow's carnal deed were concise. Upon this revelation I flushed, zipped and dashed. After this encounter I greatly reduced my fluid intake as well as the size of my lunches. To the pleasant surprise of my management, the once daily episodes from the cube labeled Troy DeArmitt subsided until they became no more. No inquiries were made and no celebrations announced and most importantly, reports indicated a ten minute gain in production from that slice of the office each and every day thereafter.