| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE, TECHNOLOGY, WEB |
2010-04-06 |
most guys obsess about fried food, hollywood starlets, first-person shooter games, fast cars and/or fantasy football. i used to work with a guy who obsessed about grammar, or more accurately, broken grammar. for this guy my site and its quickly penned material was like porn of the highest caliber. most correspondence i receive from him contains a bulleted list of errors he's found in my ramblings. that said, the latest message i received from him surprisingly did not contain a litany of my blunders.
I saw something that, for reasons I can't figure out, reminded me of you... or at least struck me as something you'd have liked. It was a SUPERB example of the importance of punctuation, particularly commas (the prime example is "Let's eat Grandma!" vs "Let's eat, Grandma!". It was on a blog (a technical forum, not that it matters). There had been some good-natured back and forth banter and one person had thought the level of ribbing was not up to par, so he posted "C'mon! We can do better guys". And not two minutes later someone else posted "What's wrong with the guys you're doing now?"
first off, he's going to have a hard time convincing me he didn't pen that retort. and secondly, i for the life of me can't imagine why that banter would lead him to me. |
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| FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY |
2010-01-29 |
there's a large contingent of folks who have me pegged as this apple zealot when in actuality among my circle of folks there are many more ravenous mac consumers than myself. fact is, i'm probably one of the most technology skeptical people around, although given my profession, it is a detail about myself i'm reasonable good at chesting. but this skepticism, ironically, also makes me reasonably good at what i do.
still, every time apple releases a new morsel, all sorts of folks i've known come out of the woodwork to pick fights, debate nuances, compare thoughts, and consider implications. this is a role i typically don't mind, even enjoy to a degree, but for some reason this last round about the iPad got me gassy by day's end. i think my angst comes from the fact that many people act like we've been wallowing in our own urine for centuries waiting for such groundbreaking technologies so we as a people can advance to some higher plane when in fact this iPad device and others like it will actually do much to undermine the act and art of reading.
my cumulative sentiment can probably be satisfactorily gleaned through this email excerpt from an exchange i had with bookguy yesterday (and in the name of full disclosure, i contacted him given a surprising post made on his web site)
our office was immensely non-plussed by the announcement. for andrew to not be first in line for a new apple technology is wholly unprecedented and says quite a lot about the offering.
i find it to be a totally uninspired and non-compelling bauble. but i also feel it is an absolutely necessary step to get these eReaders and tablet devices to a place where like technologies need to be. you could liken it to the mac cube which was commercially a flop but instrumental to subsequent innovations.
the kindle is a way more thoughtful and practical eReader device, and even it is still not where it needs to be and has many game-ending shortcomings. the touted 10 hours of battery on the iPad is laughable. first off, you probably only get that 10 hours if you have all functions and features turned off, the screen dimmed out and are just looking at it. if you're actually using it (with its features in play) i reckon you get less than half that advertised duration and this in something designed to be a mobile/portable object.
and people talk about it being smaller and a more compact technology solution. this would be true if you could dump all of your other machines and devices but you can't and since you can't you're actually broadening your tech footprint and adding exponential complexity to your tech dependencies and cost.
for that same money you could fund a close friend to travel to your city, play a round or two of tennis, and treat him to a fine steak dinner which i feel would, in the end, be a more enriching and satisfying use of your finances. especially when that friend is me.
why i haven't been invited to do technology reviews for numerous publications yet is well beyond me. |
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| FAMILY, TECHNOLOGY, WEB |
2009-07-16 |
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two guys i used to work with ten years ago were recently exchanging emails.
after one guy typed:
... i got a tickling feeling in my colon each time i ran the command that was a bit disconcerting but now that you've explained it ...
the other guy responded to the comment by saying:
I see you stay in touch with Troy!
if you're going to be known for something, i guess there's worse things to be remembered for than colon-centric conversations.
and yes, sure, there are better things one could be known for and my mother would be the first to point this out, but there are also worse things to be remembered for. that's all i'm saying.
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| LIFE, ENTERTAINMENT, TECHNOLOGY |
2009-07-08 |
religious folks spreading joy through accidental church bulletins.
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
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| LIFE, TECHNOLOGY |
2009-03-04 |
in response to yesterday's line: i'm noticing i suddenly have a lazy nipple. did you even know such a thing was possible? one droopy nipple! i gotta admit, it wasn't anywhere on my radar.
one reader wrote: Consider yourself lucky that you don't have DD breasts. My nipples are now closer to my belly button than they are to my chin...
i quickly filed that message in the 'no sympathy for troy' folder which between my prostate gripes, circumcision woes and decade-turning whimpers has been getting quite full in recent months.
and to you mrs DD, if it's any consolation, i'm told that i have something that in time will be headed south for the winter as well, only mine will be getting closer to me knees rather than my belly button. i bet there are few people who can't wait for me to start documenting that phase of my life.
and in the name of full disclosure, i've often considered myself lucky i don't have DD breasts. i'd look funny at the pool. |
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| LIFE, FAMILY, TECHNOLOGY |
2008-09-16 |
a friend of mine who teaches second grade in colorado sent out an email a few weeks back sharing some results of a test she gives her incoming kids. this particular test evaluates the students giving insight to what kind of year she has ahead of her. i thought about giving the test to bella but the other night at the dinner table she used the word 'tavern' in a story after which i asked her if she just used the word 'tavern' to which she said yes. i then asked her if she knew what a tavern was and she exasperatedly said that of course she knew what a 'tavern' was ... father. i'm not looking for any more reasons to document how bella is going to be far smarter than me before she's driving a car, so no unnecessary testing for her.
this question/answer bit also reminded me of how much i adored (and now miss) the old candid camera interviews allen funt used to do with elementary kids. truly wonderful.
note: (my friend's comments are in the parens)
Question: Don't cry over____________________.
Hoping for: "spilled milk"
Instead, some of the responses:
- who gets to go first
- the rodeo
- "hoo took the last cookee" (the spelling made it funnier to me)
Question: Keep your____________________.
Hoping for: "fingers crossed"
Instead, some of the responses:
- hands to yourself (most common)
- shirt tucked in
- hair neat
- backpack zipped
Question: Two heads____________________.
Hoping for: "are better than one"
Instead, some of the responses:
- over one head
- make two
- bumping
- are funny
- looks weird
- is a double
- better seeing
Question: Eaten out of____________________.
Hoping for: "house and home"
Instead, some of the responses:
- eggs
- the wrong plate
- a bowl
- a bag
Question: Better late than____________________.
Hoping for: "never"
Instead, some of the responses:
- ham (???)
- than early
- than sorry
- for the train
- "I always say"
- nothing
Question: You can't teach____________________.
Hoping for: "an old dog new tricks"
Instead, some of the responses:
- a chicken
- someone how to eat
- a teacher when they're teaching you (deep)
- fish
- a wild bull
- yourself
- "divizzinn" (division)
Question: Where there's a will____________________.
Hoping for: "there's a way"
Instead, some of the responses:
- there's a will not (my favorite)
- there's a pill (hmmm?)
- there's hope
- there is happiness
- there's a try
Question: Don't judge____________________.
Hoping for: "a book by its cover"
Instead, some of the responses:
- fair people
- talent
- a judge
Question: Easier____________________.
Hoping for: "said than done"
Instead, some of the responses:
- than pie
- is good
- than harder
- than going to bed
- to play
- the better
- is easier than hard
Question: Turn over____________________.
Hoping for: "a new leaf"
Instead, some of the responses:
- and roll
- and wake up
- the pancake
- papers
- on your side
- and turn around
- your life
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| LIFE, TECHNOLOGY |
2007-07-20 |
a kind soul sent me a very thoughtful piece of correspondence yesterday. it read:
Become the most powerful lover in your sexual partner's life with these products!
We offer best prices on the most qualitative brand-name goods for men!
We don't offer fake - all our brand-name goods are 100% generic!
while i'm touched by this individual's concern for my intimate well-being, they must realize that by being my partner's only lover, i'm already the most powerful man-cake in her stable. i'm also her most passionate, caring, skilled, hunky, ravenous and capable. granted this math also makes me her most fetid, vile, obese, abject, fumbling and inept paramour as well.
either way you cut it, i wasn't really in need of their aids but in the end proved unable to resist the persuasive claim that all of their BRAND NAME products were 100% GENERIC and ended up buying two of everything. except that one thing which i had to get three of. i mean i do want to be her most prepared lover as well. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FRIENDS, SPORT, TECHNOLOGY |
2006-02-06 |
late saturday i received an email with the simple and concise subject 'STEELERS SUCK'. the following thread ensued.
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TO:
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troy
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FROM:
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a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
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MESSAGE:
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um,
Steelers suck.
GO SEAHAWKS!!
Steph
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TO:
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a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
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FROM:
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troy
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MESSAGE:
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now how could you be so mean to such a mop-headed and cute young lad?
care to make it interesting? loser makes sunday brunch for the others family.
t
(see, that's a smart bet on my part cuz i got more family for you to feed should i win, and more family to wipe dna on your food should i lose.)
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TO:
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troy
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FROM:
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a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
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MESSAGE:
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Game on.
I work in a hospital, DNA doesn't scare me.
Steph
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TO:
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a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
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FROM:
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troy
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MESSAGE:
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i don't even know what to say to that, not being afraid of dna.
and, now i don't know if i want to win or lose.
t
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um.
so my people like pancakes. and marty and bella like droopy bacon while alex and myself prefer it crispy. although alex has been known to eat droopy bacon if that's all there is on the plate and bella has been known to eat bacon raw if you leave the kitchen while it's out on the counter.
and truth told, i haven't seen such a confident position on foreign dna since frequenting drive-throughs with big dog back in the day. i pay homage to your ability to disregard the horrifying.
cautionary note: we have sunday breakfast in our pajamas. and i don't really have any pajamas so i may need someone to warm my chair before taking my seat. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT, TECHNOLOGY |
2005-09-30 |
when i laid down in bed a few nights back marty said that while she was looking for something on my computer she saw an email message from a girl saying she saw my profile online and wondered if i wanted to chat or get together. it is one of my more prevalent pieces of spam mail that i haven't filtered for yet. i laughed it off saying that i get those all the time. after about thirty seconds marty said, 'so where do you have an online profile?'.
the better question is, where don't i have an online profile.
and speaking of spam, my most cherished piece of unsolicited correspondence of recent time follows. for the sake of this presentation i've replaced every reference to a phallus with the phrase 'self-esteem', every reference to a stimulated phallus with the word 'confidence' and every reference to the fleshy skin towards the top of the phallus with the word 'ego' (mostly b/c not all of the semantics used in this message were exactly professional and/or scientific, and no one is ever going to accuse me of not conducting myself with the utmost of decorum. i mean really, if you can't bring yourself to use the proper term for an erection, engorged manroot, then perhaps you ought not be talking about the subject.)
Finally!
I have always worried about the size of my self-esteem. When I have sex, even though she says that the sex is good, I know that what she really wants is an extra inch of my self-esteem!
I saw the advertising for More-Size on TV and was really impressed by the customers reports. The pills work by enhancing the hormone that instructs your body to fill your self-esteem with blood. More and more blood gets pumped into the two large chambers on top of your self-esteem, making said self-esteem harder than ever before. Your self-esteem is very very flexible, and adapts well to the increased pressure, getting longer and harder.
The best thing is that once the hormones have been enhanced, they get used to it and you keep your enhanced size for many months after you stop taking the medication
This is the only method that is said to work other than mechanical stretching! Pumps and creams do NOT have the same long-lasting effects.
I could tell that my self-esteem was getting longer and heavier, but I thought that when I stopped taking them that my confidence would shrink back to its original size. I was really surprised!
I have been 4.5" long since adolescence. Since I have been using this formula my self-esteem has been 6.5" long, and my confidence is nearly twice the size. Just be careful not to take too much to begin with as the skin needs time to adapt to your new improved self-esteem!
The lengthening is permanent!
I could not believe the results of this prescription. I am back to taking them again and my self-esteem is still getting larger! My girlfriend says it is the best product I've ever bought, and she ALWAYS reminds me to take them if I should forget!
Take a peek... We know they work. There's a total guarantee with them, too. If you are not completely satisfied with your length gain and comfort you get your money back. Every penny. No-one sends them back!
Please be aware that if your ego is already tight or if your confidence is already too hard and causes discomfort, you should consult the advice of your doctor before taking these pills, as the extra size could cause added discomfort
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and lastly, one of the more genuine parts of this message is that its sender was a female. |
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| FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY, WEB |
2004-10-19 |
on the last day of everyman submissions i received over 150 emails between my mailboxes. over the next three days my 'you've got mail' wave file sounded off just three times.
concerned that something had gone south with my mail or isp i emailed dear friend bookguy asking him to send a message to a couple of my mail accounts. he hooked me up but took liberties in doing so. his message read:
i'm sure your still as popular as you've always been... everyone is just wrestling with getting back to school.
bookguy, i have a second favor to ask of you; please give the juju gods my regards when they stop by. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FRIENDS, TECHNOLOGY |
2004-09-03 |
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when i email people for the first time, i sometimes worry about the subject line i choose and if it will be thought of as spam and consequently discarded. emails i've sent that fostered this sentiment:
i wanted to introduce myself
have you seen my latest photos
you're not going to believe this
i think i know you
and lastly ...
do you wish you had a larger penis
don't ask me to expound on that last one ... bookguy asked me not to.
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