when i was in college i used to tantalize people, usually late at night and amongst sleep deprived humans, with a fanciful wager. the challenge was this. i claimed that if given X amount of time i could begin a new religion with Y number of followers for a reward of S amount of money. Y to be determined by both X and S. people, all people, quickly dismissed my claim and confidently launched into t...

back in the day of the early web, there was this girl who wired her bedroom with webcams. i can't remember her name but she went on to become quite an internet phenom. you could just tune in and see what was happening in her room at any time, day or night. for sure, much of the time she'd be away at school or work or life. most of the time she was in, she'd be reading or writing or talking on the phone. a few lucky times, frenetic, mouse-wielding fanboys were met with her and a rare date she'd brought home to mack and more. what those guys would have done to trade the flashing lights of their baud modems for a broadband connection back then i can only imagine.

i think i'm going to wire my whole house with cameras. for as pedestrian and uninteresting as my house is, we have our share of cussing, nudity and fisticuffs. and i can run with the legends because when i wake up in the morning, i might be alone or i might have up to four humans in bed with me, sometimes even on top of me. for added intrigue and entertainment, i'm going to set up an hourly poll asking viewers to guess what's happening before their video feed begins. questions could include:

• is anthony wearing pants?
• is alex wearing a dress?
• is troy wearing anything?
• is bella reading a book?
• is a tickle-fight happening?
• is someone touching marty right now?

there would have to be odds on each question because some are gimmes, such as that last one, because the likelihood of marty not having someone patting her breast, pushing on her buttocks, or nudging her on the shoulder urging her to get off the toilet so they can go is pretty slim at any given moment. and i'm not the culprit in any of those scenarios. i may have been before we had kids but i am not now because we have kids.

late saturday i received an email with the simple and concise subject 'STEELERS SUCK'. the following thread ensued.

TO:	troy
FROM:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
MESSAGE:	um, Steelers suck. GO SEAHAWKS!! Steph
TO:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
FROM:	troy
MESSAGE:	now how could you be so mean to such a mop-headed and cute young lad? care to make it interesting? loser makes sunday brunch for the others family. t (see, that's a smart bet on my part cuz i got more family for you to feed should i win, and more family to wipe dna on your food should i lose.)
TO:	troy
FROM:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
MESSAGE:	Game on. I work in a hospital, DNA doesn't scare me. Steph
TO:	a girl who looks like my nyc sister-in-law
FROM:	troy
MESSAGE:	i don't even know what to say to that, not being afraid of dna. and, now i don't know if i want to win or lose. t

um.

so my people like pancakes. and marty and bella like droopy bacon while alex and myself prefer it crispy. although alex has been known to eat droopy bacon if that's all there is on the plate and bella has been known to eat bacon raw if you leave the kitchen while it's out on the counter.

and truth told, i haven't seen such a confident position on foreign dna since frequenting drive-throughs with big dog back in the day. i pay homage to your ability to disregard the horrifying.

cautionary note: we have sunday breakfast in our pajamas. and i don't really have any pajamas so i may need someone to warm my chair before taking my seat.

i used to work with a Jehovah's Witness. during this period i was reading the bible on my palm pilot while riding the metro to work. every now and again he would ask what most recently happened so i would tell him and he would try to guess the chapter and verse. for any ex-sunday-school stars this may sound like a no brainer but there is a catch and that catch is my descriptions came in troy-speak and troy-speak sounded something like this: to his credit, chris was quite gifted at deciphering these modern translations.

i don't make bets very often. the few times i do, i'm certain i will win (exept where e-love is concerned). yesterday i was presented with such an opportunity. the bet: if you put a dime on the floor beneath the urinal in the men's bathroom, would it still be there an hour later. the wager: lunch. my position: yes, it would absolutely still be there one hour later, one day later, one lifetime later (barring the janitorial process).

all men should know where i'm coming from but women may not so allow me take just a moment to explain this rationale. i'm sure you ladies have possible notions of how a male attends to his liquid business but there is minutia involved that most wouldn't be privy to. now i know those that are married or co-habitating have a semblance of understanding because there are drops and smatterings of your partner around your own lavatory. you may on occasion marvel at the quantity or the distance it traveled from the commode but assuming you're only living with one guy at a time, these thoughts are still wildly deficient. now what i need you to do is imagine the mayhem created by 100 men sharing one urinal over a span of 9 hours. furthermore, consider a man's attention to such matters in their own home and then project how their nature may change in a public forum where they are not solely responsible or held accountable for the cumulative effect.

for instance, in the morning when the bathroom is pristine from the night's cleaning, men just step up and do their deed. as early as ten am you may have to move anywhere from 6-12 inches back as to not stand in the shiny pool beginning to form under the urinal as brought about by the hapless shakes and miscalculations of previous patrons. by 3pm you may find yourself a full two feet away with legs apart as not to be standing in this accumulated swill.

so given this you can imagine my certainty when someone said they were going to set a dime in the epicenter of this mayhem at 2:30pm and that it would still be there come 3:30. i know, sheer madness. but this fella was confident as was i, so the dime was dropped at the appointed hour. for obvious reasons we could not stand watch over the urinal so i cannot say if the silver lucre lasted 10 or 55 minutes, all i can report is that it did not last the full 60. i repeat, it did not last the full 60.

shocked and staggered and now uncertain of the far-reaching ramifications of this study, i will buy this lunch but i will buy it with paper currency. and i will accept only paper currency in return, as my change in that from this day forward coin will never again touch the hand of troy lane dearmitt. never!

and oh yeah, everyman submissions are due tonight by midnight.

my buddy snake was telling me about this wager that recently took place between some friends of ours. the bet was that this guy, nate, could not remain awake for 8 hours of really bad tv and then answer a series of questions about the episodes. the guy coordinating the effort, nick, setup the following lineup for nate to watch (note: shows had to be readily available for taping which explains their somewhat pedestrian nature).

1/2 hour friends
1/2 hour frazier
1 hour sabrina the teenage witch
2 hours family matters
1 hour boy meets world
3 hours full house

if i may commentate for a moment. i like the early technique of starting with the respectable shows as to make the ones down the line seem more abhorrent. that was strong. the hour of sabrina is a neutral selection though. i've only seen snippets of the show and know there's some talking animal that's pretty surreal but if i recall there's some youngish, cutish girls in there. rookie move given the male contestant. the two hours of family matters serves as a sound recovery though but any ground gained here was lost in the boy meets world selection in that the topenga character has a haunting, yet compelling, physical presence and would stir mental endurance if even only to ponder her peculiarity. but, again, nick returns as strong as one could with the epic atrocity that is full house. no one can question this move and certainly many would have been tempted to lead, assault and even end with this show alone but i like the staggered and diversified approach. that's the definite sign of an artisan who treats his craft seriously.

as it turns out nate fell asleep during the boy meets world leg of the challenge. this obviously surprised me. and with three hours of full house ahead of him, that poor bastard didn't stand a chance. but, given he didn't have to watch the full house block and nick did to tape it, it's hard to say who really walked away the victor here. i'd be lackluster on it.