the boys and i were watching star trek, the original, after dinner. we're slowly working our way through the franchise starting at the very beginning. we were piled up on my desk chair, me on the seat and the boys each sitting on an armrest leaning on me. during the show i passed some post-dinner gas. moments later a big fight broke out in the show. i commented on the suddenness of the melee to which anthony (7) said casually, "i think they're fighting because of your smelly fart".
nothing like kicking it at the mall in your pajamas (and no underwear), a pair of neon crocs and sportin' the 3D glasses you just got at the afternoon matinee. by any standard this is called the good life. ...
we received this message from a neighbor mom while anthony was down playing at her house.
Ben and Anthony were trying to decide what to do. They didn't like my suggestions, so Anthony decided to call upon God for advice. He yelled, "God! What should we do?"
Not sure if he or she answered, but they are on the trampoline now!
a neighbor boy came over to play with anthony. he's a little older but the two boys visit one another often and without invitation. they will at times play for hours and hours without supervision or issue. during the boy's visit this last weekend, he and anthony were butting heads about something. in response, anthony took the initiative to call the boy's home where his mother answered.
MOTHER
hello
ANTHONY
ben is being mean.
MOTHER
oh. anthony. hi. uhm. well i'm sorry.
ANTHONY
(silence)
MOTHER
i guess you should maybe send him home.
ANTHONY
ok.
without as much as a goodbye, thanks or grunt of acknowledgement, anthony hung up the phone and yelled out, "ben. you have to go home."
that is the sort of self-sufficiency marty and i can surely get behind.
last week our family watched a film called babysitter beware for our friday night movie. there was a scene at the beginning of the film where these kids put a dog's shock collar around an evil neighbor's neck and then repeatedly tricked him into shocking himself. on the following tuesday at breakfast, anthony said the following in regard to that film.
you know that guy that they shocked at the beginning of the show. when the show ended and they started showing all the names they should have had that guy yell like he just got shocked playing in the background.
i stopped making my lunches contemplating his notion, shook my head in agreement and told him i thought that he was right and that would have been a smart and funny add. i finished lunches marveling at the human brain, and the young mind sitting in my kitchen presently, that conjured that specific thought days after the initial experience.
for any envious of me getting to be entertained by my witty six year old so, let me share what came out of my cerebral cherub's mouth seventeen minutes later after i pissed him off for goofing around in the backyard when he was supposed to be getting in the car. after finally sliding into the backseat and slamming the door in a huff, he proceeded to light me up.
ANTHONY
i wish i came out of someone else's stomach.
TROY
what? why would you say that? we're going to school, we're not playing in the backyard.
ANTHONY
i wasn't playing. i was trying to walk to the garage without getting mud on my shoes.
TROY
well, i'm sorry. i didn't know that was what you're doing.
ANTHONY
i didn't want to track mud into my school. what kind of parent yells at their child for trying to be respectful of their school?
welcome to another glorious day in the corps of parenthood.
suddenly my miami-vice-era don johnson answer seems less impressive
the dinner question of the night was 'if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?"
while most were naming inventors, explorers, and celebrities (12 year old girl and all), when six year old anthony's turn came up he answered "the saddest person in the world".
the whole table looked at each other surprised at his reply. certain he misunderstood the question, we restated it. casually, he said he understood the question just fine. when asked why he would then choose what he chose he replied, "so the person who was the saddest person doesn't have to be that anymore. and then the world would be a better place."
i began the dinner question-ritual in hopes of stimulating thought and reason in my children, yet time and time again, i find i'm the one challenged and bettered by the exercise.
while walking out of a gas station, anthony grabbed the handle on the door and pulled. the door didn't move. marty said the sign says PUSH anthony. he did and we exited the store. as we walked to the car anthony, our six year old, asked, "why would anyone put a handle on a door you have to push?"
marty and i exchanged silent expressions and she said, "i don't know anfer. i don't know."
now before we celebrate a mind as keen as anfer's just yet, allow me to share this second conversation.
TROY
look, there's church butte road.
ALEO
church butte road. ohhhh!
ANFER
yeah, does that mean there's like a church with a giant butt?
MARTY
it's not that kind of butt anthony.
ANFER
oh! then it's the kind of church that butts in line in front of other churches.
anthony knows the d-word. and he knows how to use it. mostly he says things like, "i really wanted to say the d-word then but didn't. but if i was still a baby i would have just shouted it over and over ... but babies don't know the d-word which is a good thing because then they might have just laid there in the crib shouting it out when they weren't supposed to."
but when anthony loses his cool he has been known to let the d-word fly loose and wild through the air. and like a master craftsmen with a single, fundamental tool he gets good milage out of this swear staple. there are the expected and surprisingly accurate uses of the word where he'll blend it with something expected, like "head" but there are also advanced combinations, like "face" or "nose", that show the boy's potential. and just when you think you've seen his range, he'll surprise you with inspired uses, coupling the one-syllable weapon with "ear" or "back" or "belly" that leave you wondering if you're seeing a mind touched with a gift or addled by simplicity.
and he knows that the right choice it to always be a truther. and he's learning how that is sometimes a harder decision than it seems it maybe should be.
here is another example of anthony's absorption in small travel games. what you don't see in this shot are the hundreds of people, many of which are kids, filling this gymnasium for his sister's graduation from elementary. ...
six pieces forward, thirty-two (with some lost) pieces backward.
puzzles come with a difficulty rating. puzzles made in our home go through an additional bit of math called the anthony factor. with this, you multiply any difficulty rating by seven, then you have the adjusted anthony scale. as for what sorts of things necessitate this tweak, here are a few of things you might expect to happen between your puzzle-building sessions:
having large groups of the facing-up pieces flipped face-down.
having your neatly parted edge pieces mixed back in with the middle pieces.
having pieces moved from the puzzle table to other tables or the floor.
having pieces put together that have no business being together.
and lastly, and surely the most effective of his tactics, he takes apart already completed swaths of the puzzle.
but, on the good side:
you get a lot more puzzle for your dollar given the time spent assembling it
and you have a true and immense sense of achievement when you are able to outpace anthony's counter-measures and finally complete a puzzle.
quick assessment. maybe not totally right, but surely quick.
before putting his backpack on its hook, anthony opened it up and rooted around its contents looking for his homework packet. in the midst of this he paused, and pulled a school photo brochure out. he studied it for a moment and asked aloud "what's this?"
during this rumination, he flipped the brochure over and then his face relaxed and he casually said, "oh, it's just a picture of a hot girl" before setting it on the stool and continuing his search for his homework folder.
they sure do make new humans hyper cute. and for any who have cared for them, you know why.
and i can't ever see a picture of anfer sitting like that without remembering his unique manner of locomotion. i also remember thinking that the underside of his calloused legs, the part in contact with the ground, would ...
my father dined with us saturday night. he brought a lady friend, miss jackie, along he's been seeing for a few months now. over dinner my father joked how he and jackie don't like any of the same things. she likes it hot. he likes it cold. she eats this. he eats that. she sleeps in. he's up early. he drew several illustrations of how none of their likes matched up. after my dad stopped speaking, and a brief pause in the conversation anthony, age six, broke the silence.
ANFER
grandpa.
GRANDPA
yes anthony.
ANFER
do you like living?
GRANDPA
uhhh. well. yes, i like living.
ANFER
miss jackie.
MISS JACKIE
yes anthony.
ANFER
do you like living?
MISS JACKIE
ohhhh! yes anthony, i like living very much. it's wonderful.
ANFER
so you were wrong grandpa.
GRANDPA
what?
ANFER
you were wrong about you and miss jackie not liking any of the same things. you both like living.
a long silence blanketed the table as we all looked at anthony who barely looked away from his plate to ask his questions. my father turned to me as if for an explanation. all i could think to ask him was how it felt to have an argument so easily picked apart by someone seventy years his junior.
anthony is a ravenous consumer of travel logic games. he could play them for hours, methodically working his way through a full deck of problems. and when he's done, you very well might see him simply right the deck and plow through again.
such a short amount of time between the only one and the other only one this week
a few weeks ago anthony told his female speech therapists about a girl he likes at school. when they asked about her, anthony said she was so beautiful he couldn't even look at her. the two college age girls swooned at the loveliness of it.
then this morning, anthony informed alex and i over breakfast that there were two girls in his class he wanted to marry with. i imagine his speech therapists would be less smitten with his latter comment. anthony better hope the mormons get serious about lifting their ban on plural marriage.
a curious distinction between my kids in regard to scary movies.
in regards to scary films, both bella and alex will say, "this is a scary movie", whereas to the same film anthony will half-way through ask, "is this a scary movie?". in fact i think he, at six, may already be ready for the likes of the original halloween, blairwitch, and paranormal--he was the only one of my kids to request and subsequently see, paraNorman.
and i'm sadder to report, anthony seems to be trending in the same direction with amusement park rides asking why he is too short to ride some of the scariest rides i've ever witnessed.
during the year i collect bits and pieces of information that i think might be helpful to share with my kids when the school year fires up. marty's insistence on a no-exceptions family dinner table makes for a perfect platform for me to subject enlighten my children with my sage counsel. a few examples.
we have been long told two things. one, that we have a certain potential fo...
