a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today. super spanx

do you know how if you ever click on something in amazon, then all the amazon-suggestions and even sidebar ads on other websites tend to be related to what you looked at/for on amazon? marty knows. marty knows because she was looking for new underwear and accidentally clicked on a pair of crotchless panties. ever since that inadvertant selection, those curiously designed pantaloons have been chasing her all over the web.

if asked why she would ever click on that, with an exasperated huff she replies, "it was a small thumbnail, i couldn't tell what they were and they looked weird, so i clicked". our eleven year-old anthony can attest to this confusion as he saw them pop up while using marty's computer to renew some books at the library. he pointed at the screen and asked his mother, "mom, what's wrong with these underwear, that lady's butt is falling out of them".

bella came into the kitchen twirling in her dress before leaving for her homecoming dance. we had some people over at the house, namely alex's middle-school soccer team and a few of their parents. some of the adults were complimenting bella's dress and hair. a few of the boys may have future chiropractic issues for all the hidden craning of their necks to get a better look at alex's older sister. ...

here's pretty much all you need to know to get caught up with me.

bella took the picture on the left in april of 2017.
bella took the picture on the right in september of 2017.

the moral of the story. not a whole lot has changed in my life. i'm a pony with few tricks. the part of the story that matters is my scant tricks give me lots of fulfillment.

but most peopl ...

the playground at anthony's elementary has two kinds of parents strewn about before morning bell: all the parents of the new kindergartener-crop and me, the parent of a now fourth grader. the kindergarten parents huddle expectantly. in these two and three person clusters you can see them pensively exchanging trials (and tips) about the rigors of turning your baby over to the education-machine. i'm...

of all the things i'm mocked for, my wardrobe may rank highest. people pick at both my choice of clothes but even more than that they pick at how few variations of those choices i wear. in reviewing recent photos i noticed how our first day of school photos for the kids this year captured my entire wardrobe.

on the left you have casual troy. i have four pair of those shorts* in three dif ...

in watching anthony get dressed, i don't think there is space for less possible contemplation.

his dresser drawers are labeled with the different sorts of clothing (e.g. shorts, pants, short-sleeve shirts, long-sleeve shirts, etc).

after asking if it will be a hot or cold day, he goes and pulls the relevant drawers open and pulls out whatever is next in the stack.

and the indifference doesn't stop there. in addition to not caring what is on top of the pile, once it gets unfolded and pulled onto his frame, he is equally unconcerned if the garment lands inside-out, backwards or both. if upside down was a possible option, i'm certain, upside-down would happen from time to time.

of the variety of possibilities, backwards pants look the funniest. especially when they are unzipped. and raising an open zipper on a pair of worn-backwards pants, is the only scenario that gives anthony enought trouble to ask for help on.

and if you're wondering what anthony says to the litany of children (and adults) at school who comment on his clothes, he just shrugs his shoulders as if someone said there might be rain later today.

i once heard a elderly, sage woman say, the best fashion statement is having a fit and trim body. if you subscribe to that theory, then you will find anthony to be a great example of that maxim as he always looks like a million bucks regardless of how his clothes might be draped on his frame.

the day before fourth of july, which kindly fell on a friday this year, served up the most spectacular day of weather i can ever recall seeing in a usually hot and humid st. louis. work that day proved quiet and productive given many people chose to take the day off. staff was released at noon but i took advantage of the silence to get a few more things done, leaving at 3:30. i strolled along my walking commute staring at the magically blue sky which had crisply lined clouds slowly floating by. they were so pristine they looked near-animated, like miyazaki himself sketched them above us.

between this weather and my early jump on the three day weekend and my walking commute i near floated home. as i turned the final corner towards my house bella and anthony came towards me on roller blades. upon seeing me, their already large smiles grew bigger and they spread their arms wide before them asking (shouting) why i was home already.

throwing my own arms wide, i proclaimed, "i'm naming this the most beautiful day of the year and in honor of that, i'm coming home early to enjoy it with my family."

with them riding a scooter was an adorably cute neighbor girl of about six or seven years old (imagine how cute a huge-grinning, near-toothless anthony is, but then make him even cuter and give him lopsided, pigtails). after my proclamation, all three kids looked up and around, not having seemingly noticed the magical mood of the temperature or the cloud-dotted sky or relaxed state of our community. they consented that it all did seem pretty nice. i introduced myself to their friend and we chatted about the day briefly. as we parted bella stopped and yelled back to me that my pants were very blue. the pants were my new light-weight summer pants from jCrew and were a pastel blue (they were my favorite cut (urban-slim) and summer-time fabric (oxford-cotton) AND were on sale for 50% off BUT only in this color AND were part of the very necessary post weight-loss wardrobe re-fresh). I yelled back my thanks and that they were my homage to this beautiful day. bella flashed me the smile she uses when i say silly, fatherish things and turned to catch up to the others.

later, when bella and anthony returned home from roller-blading, bella told me that after our exchange about my pants, when she caught up to anthony and the new girl, the new girl said to her, in an understanding tone, "it's ok bella, my parents aren't very classy either".

just when i thought the day couldn't possibly offer me more.

marty works with a guy who is trying to lose weight. he happily reported losing five pounds the week before. marty said she was trying to gain weight. reasonably astonished he asked whatever for. her reply -- because all the cute clothes on ebay were larges.

lots of young boys get their full heads of hair and thick eyelashes complimented. alex was additionally and routinely told how good he looked in dresses. heck, he looked so good he could even affix rubber wristbands around his biceps and still make it seem sensible and stylish. ...

bella has an enviable stance on fashion. thankfully, her brain hasn't yet gone numb like some of her peers in regard to blindly following what they see others doing. i'm not entirely sure what has held this moment off as she's imbibing the same sort of music and media as her peers. but still, she routinely says things like "that looks funny" or when she sees the fancy stuff in a store will say "that seems like a lot of money. why wouldn't people just get something at goodwill?". in the end i'm confident we're seeing another show of marty's fine work.

a few nights back marty and bella went out to get some pants for a school concert and came home with, in addition to the black pants they needed, a pair of skinny jeans. the next morning bella happily sported them in the kitchen striking poses in her new fancy wear. as she vogued out, i thought of this quip i had just read in men's health: as bella continued the exhibition, i feared "the change" had arrived and i quietly mourned the moment over my oatmeal. then not ten minutes later at the bus stop bella dropped a pencil and after effortfully bending down to retrieve it said, "i think i just found a difficulty with my new jeans." thankfully through the day she discovered more difficulties, like the need to keep them from falling off her backside while running after someone down a school hallway. so the cry of wolf may have come too soon as my girl still seems to have enough tomboy and tomcat in her to keep her out of the high weeds of adolescent confusion and nonsense.

of all the outfits my kids ever wore, this eric carle branded jumper was by far my favorite.

here's a pic of aleo in the same outfit. ...

in our house, i wash the laundry. i'm also the one to fold the laundry. when i'm done marty steps in and puts the folded stacks away. every now and again i'm the one to put laundry away just as every now and again marty is the one to wash and neatly fold the clothes. when i do the putting away, i usually botch a few things, that is, i mix up which clothes go with which human. as the children have grown in size and their wardrobe has grown in number of articles my error rate has grown alongside them. though, that i'm making more mistakes isn't nearly as interesting as the reaction my family has to my mistakes.

the girls are both quick to let me know not only that i made mistakes but also to show in some way the number of mistakes that occurred. bella's play is to appear in my office with the garments in question. after raising her hands to showcase the items--and jutting a hip to the side for emphasis--she tilts her head down and glances at me under a raised brow saying only, "really dad?". to this i'll sheepishly reply, "oh those aren't yours?" or "i thought i saw you wearing that" to which bella will follow up with a "me? this? really?". marty's far more subtle and respectful. for her she might just quietly pass me in the hall with a small stack of mis-filed garments clapped between her hands giving me a polite smile as we pass.

now the boys. the boys still let me know of my error but they do so in a totally different manner. how i know if i put something belonging to alex in anthony's drawer is anthony will come downstairs on a school day wearing the item. in example, anthony came down for breakfast the other day wearing a pair of alex's boxer briefs. if you're wondering how obvious the error should have been to him, the underwear is snug enough but it travels down slightly below anthony's knee and could easily be confused for a certain sacred garment. when i ask anthony if he noticed anything funny about his underwear (which should be a non-question since anthony's full line of underwear are still superhero branded tighty whiteys), he'll look down and then confess no, he does not notice anything funny about his underwear. he'll then ask if he should and i'll defeatedly reply, no he should not.

truthfully marty and i are just thankful he wears underwear as his tendency to travel commando has been the number one complaint of his school teachers over the last few years (and no it doesn't help that his tiny business is essentially spot welded to his lean frame and not flying, spilling, or sagging about all that much).

and alex, while similar is different enough to warrant his own sentence or two. for aleo, he will bounce down the stairs for school wearing a pair of his six year old brother's pants. i'll pause whatever i'm doing to take him in. from the waist down he most closely resembles mary tyler moore's laura petrie character from the dick van dyke show in a pair of her style-setting and form-fitting capris. when i ask alex if he noticed anything funny about his pants, he'll look down and then confess no, he does not notice anything funny about his pants. often, he will ask if he should which, yes you guessed it, i say no he should not. truthfully marty and i are slow to correct him because even in his gender-bending ensemble he pulls the look off better than most of us would and surpasses the dress caliber of his father by gravity-defying leaps and bounds.

i've worn boxers since the ninth grade. i was recently persuaded to try boxer briefs. the arguments for boxer-briefs by people wearing boxer-briefs were so confident, so effusive, so persuasive, i dove headlong into the pool conducting a full switchover.

bella was the first to confess she didn't know what to make of the more form-fitting undergarments. alex thought i should wear spiderman briefs. and every time anthony saw me he'd just laughingly yell that he could see where my wieners was at.

after a month or two i switched back. the first time bella saw me back in boxers she paused just long enough to say, i'm glad you decided to get rid of those other things. i didn't like them.

rarely is it that a daughter would hold such influence over a father's wardrobe choice but it was a factor. making my butt crack sweat profusely was the other.

it recently occurred to me that i haven't made anyone say "too much information" or its playful counterpart "TMI" in a while and didn't want to disappoint my regulars.

a recent conversation between bella and marty.

BELLA
mom, has dad been wearing the same pair of shorts for awhile now?

MARTY
well, yes, but he has a couple pair of them.

BELLA (reflectively)
oh. ok. that's good ... that he has more than one pair. i guess.

the worst thing marty may have ever said to me was that not only did my capris look nicer than my cut-off jean-shorts, but that they actually looked good on me.

my two best friends got to see me in my new manpris recently. one said they looked less girly than he expected and the other said it made my butt look fat. my fashion style has long aimed for a less-girly sort of look so it's nice to see me in the vicinity there and regarding my butt looking big, my butt is big.

there is a detail i forgot to mention about aleo's bike crash episode last month. after i carried the bloody boy into the fire house and the paramedics looked over his mouth and head, one of them wanted to cut his pants off. when i asked him why he said that it looked like his legs got banged up given how torn up his pants were. i had the enviable task of explaining to the man that that was what his pants looked like before the accident.

there are two reasons for this predicament. first, alex has only ever worn hand-me-downs from his cousins and second alex ardently refuses to change clothes for days at a time. the result of this innocent combination is most days, aleo looks like a full-on vagabond (and i'm not even including his mop of hair which he's recently decided he doesn't want cut anymore). so as if his oral trauma wasn't grueling enough, i also got my first taste of feeling embarrassed by one of my children's appearance. and i know you're thinking i should have crossed this bridge long ago, but my children have historically been more embarrassing sounding than looking. like for instance, the time bella said to her preschool classmate's overweight nanny, after studiously looking her up and down, "boy, you sure are fat all over!" marty and the nanny just exchanged looks before smiling uncomfortably and walking their different ways.

this week's capri confession spawned a couple interesting email threads.

excerpt from an old friend, buddy james:
my excerpted reply:

and then an excerpt from a new friend on the other side of the world:

and my excerpted reply:

and yet another email mentioned japris which are, obviously, cut-off jean capris. how beyond brilliant is that? and how surely are a a pair of those in the cards for me, to marty's future chagrin. and lastly, yesterday i bought two more pairs to backstop my first pair. why the need for so many you ask? because a lot can happen in ten years of daily wear.

forgot to mention the maker was REI. and they have a couple of different styles. i have the pair on the left.

castle-valley

hardwear ridgetop

salomon wayfarer

around ten years ago marty and i were walking in the the shopping district next to our neighborhood. we are fortunate to live just next to one of our city's more vibrant urban scenes (and recently named one of the ten best streets in the nation) making it a place rife with curious characters. on this day many years back, a young man passed by us wearing capri pants. save his three quarter length nickers, the man looked completely pedestrian. as he passed i commented to marty that i thought the pants looked comfortable. she said i should get a pair. i asked if guys wore capris. she said they didn't but added that social norms didn't seem to play a role in my dress otherwise and was curious why this might be any different. while this could possibly be construed as a compliment in written form here, it certainly was not meant as one. marty publicly divorced herself (very much so) from my wardrobe selections quite early in our marriage. our union may not have survived else-wise. all that said, for the obvious reasons, i couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger in this case. wearing dated jean shorts is one thing, wearing a woman's pantaloon is another.

now jump forward ten years. a few weeks ago marty said i'd probably be pleased to know that bella's baseball coach wore capri pants. and not just once or twice. it was all she ever saw him in. after seeing the trend she commented on them to him. assuming she was goofing on him, he told her to go stand in line with his wife and daughter who had like opinions about his clothing choice. marty corrected him saying she thought they looked great and told him her husband would be jealous. she was right. i saw him (and them) at bella's game on saturday. after the game i caught him getting into his car and said i liked his pants. he studied me for a moment as we've never met and then he brightened saying, "oh! you're bella's dad. marty said you would like my pants". i said i did and complimented the look. i asked him more about them. he lit up saying how much he loved them and how versatile and comfortable they were. he asked if i was really considering getting a pair. i said i was. he asked me if i would wear them to the next practice so his wife and daughter could see. i shook on the deal.

good to my word, later that day i went to the store he referenced and good to his word, there they were, multiple styles of men's capri pants. after a pass through the dressing rooms and a trip to the registers, i owned my first pair of capris. upon arriving home marty and i had an evening suit-required event so i was unable to wear them out that evening. but i was sporting them straightaway the next day. when i appeared in the kitchen, marty studied me for a long moment before saying, "well, they are a step up from your jean shorts". please remember, since she has trained herself to be blind and numb to how i dress, this was a phenomenally supportive and animated response.

my first errand and public unveiling was a trip to the grocery store. after a slight hesitation before getting out the car, i didn't think of them again. i went in, collected my items and was headed to the register. after passing an aisle i stopped, backed up and looked down the row. standing partway down studying some cans was of all people, bella's soccer coach. and he was wearing his capris. i walked up to him and he glanced at me. then recognition set in and he gave a warm hello. the first question he asked was if i was still going to get some pants. i said i wasn't because i already did. he looked down and expressed what could be described as actual glee. i guess he may have doubted my conviction. we, two men in capris, stood confident and joyful as we compared notes about our comfy bloomers. i then thanked him for the hookup and we parted, but only after a moment of making man-capris look like the clothing option of choice, at least in aisle eighteen of our local grocery.

and then there was the awkward moment later that day when i wore my new pants to a work bbq. i have to credit candor-filled kate with breaking the ice saying something along the lines of, "how long are we going to pretend troy isn't wearing capris before we talk about it" which opened the door for my excited telling of the above decade-long saga.

yesterday i realized a decade-long aspiration to wear capri-pants in public.

the back-story is as every bit compelling as you may imagine. sadly, i'm unable to tell it today as i'm still basking in the high of accomplishment.

the girl brave enough to tackle my hair, even sent an email requesting the honor of doing so post-larry, is thinking about starting a fashion blog. i told her that one of the very few websites i routinely look in on is, of all things, a style-based site. seeing me every few weeks and knowing how limited and shabby my style sense is, she expressed great shock and then interest in a site that could hold my interest so. here is the email i sent her.


a few of my favorite post of his:
mancaves
robert evans
dorthea lange
jayne mansfield (that first picture is one of my favorite all-time, ever photos.)

passing comment made by one of my brother-in-laws

one day last year for a reason i can't remember, i was walking around the house in a pair of shorts and a fleece ski vest. that's it. no socks. no shoes. no shirt! just me, a pair of shorts, and this dark blue fuzzy vest. when i rounded a corner and came into marty's view for the first time in this dashing ensemble, she about birthed a fourth kid from the laughing i induced. i guess my wispy guns, concave chest, and protruding gut can't pull off the fleece vest, no shirt combo. before running into marty i was thinking it was a good look for me. and even after running into marty, i wasn't totally convinced i should abandon it just yet. the only thing i did know is marty and i wouldn't be doing any role playing sporting me as the buff ski patrol guy there to save marty the damsel from the perils of mother nature. i may be more confident than all reason says i should be, but a breaking point does exist. not many people can reach it, but marty is one who can.

this is all to say, decision time has come. i'm going skiing this week and i'll have to decide wether or not to unleash my new look on all the rich folks strolling the park city boutiques. if nothing else, it should add fine fuel to peoples' curiosity wondering if bookguy and i are guy chums or gay lovers.

the question: what does bella call a woman who wears makeup?

the answer: a decorated lady.

the example : yes, that's the same kind of dog that decorated lady in the neighborhood has.

makeup has an odd existence in our home. marty wears it once or twice a year and each time she does i recoil at the sight. upon seeing me cringe she immediately launches into a defense of her battle-paint saying if i realized how little make-up she was actually wearing i'd feel stupid for making such a fuss and if she really went to town with it and did what other women did i'd faint from the end-product. to this tirade i always say the same thing; "so, does all that mean you're not going to wash it off?" to which she always adds "no and if you make another snide comment i'm actually going to put more on."

i have marty's three older brothers to thank for how little she really wears it because the first few times she ever tried using make-up her brothers harangued her relentlessly asking her if she got those black eyes at school and who beat her up and if she was going to be a raccoon or batman's sidekick robin for halloween.

given all this you can imagine how elated i am that bella already finds such matters mockable and i just hope she continues finding it so because she doesn't have three older brothers to help me with that life-lesson.

a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today. short-lived