I spied a parking rage battle last night at the local giga-mall. From what I can gather, both parties darted for the same spot and then got into a bitter shouting match concerning its rightful owner. I never really understood people's compulsion for getting the closest possible spot to the door, evil weather excepted. The more crowded places get the further I park away from the morass, and I'm not talking about that catawampus muscle car park job that defines great men. The practice I'm speaking of entails pointing my mobile down an aisle and not necessarily slashing into the first available spot, but just getting into a spot. As result I many times suffer the agony of walking five extra car widths (widths, not lengths mind you). Now while this methodology may not prove, on paper, to be the most efficient, I do find myself arriving at my destination impressively faster than the lap hound who's seeking the Costanza like alpha spot. And, much like the elevator practices of our fellow man, it seems to be the one's who would most benefit from the extra leg-play that are taking their chances on yet another shell-game of life. Is it any wonder SUVs only get 4 miles to the gallon.

Last night at blockbuster while waiting to check out, I found myself perusing their 8-slot magazine rack. On the bottom shelf sitting side by side I spied one of the most resounding examples of polar opposites I've ever witnessed. Forget ying and yang, heads or tails, I have the modern diametric icon that is certain to define this new and unsure century ? Mary-Kate and Ashley and Trick Daddy.

A few days back my car was broken into and stereo stolen. In speaking to the insurance adjuster today he said that the car may possibly have to be considered totaled because of a mar made on the dashboard in that it would be too costly to replace the dash on a ten year old car. Now this has not been confirmed as of yet, but I simply find it amazing that it is even a possibility due to a single and smallish imperfection. Anyone want to buy an almost perfect automobile?

Friend and former colleague chris mcgrath recently made quite a moving addition to his website chronicling war-torn Bosnia. If you ever need an attitude adjustment, chris' site is not a bad place to start. And, it never hurts to be specifically mentioned (on page four at the bottom) to add to the story's intrigue. I think that may be my first external link. I guess it's only right that the guy who got me started in the biz be the one to deflower me in this manner. Thanks Christopher.

1. Do not urinate in the elevator. It may seem like a convenient, private location, but the entrance-way to the building is usually better ventilated.
2. Do not cast objects over five pounds of weight into the elevator shaft. Although the shaft is very deep and has space for a large amount of trash, heavy objects could penetrate the roof of the elevator, causing hurt to passengers inside. This rule does not apply if you are certain that the elevator car is on a floor above you.
3. While forcing your way into the elevator, it is polite to excuse yourself when you need to push others by the arms and shoulders and buttocks. While entering, if you accidentally push people in the face or in the privates, a quick apology is in order.
4. On average-sized elevators (approx. 3 feet wide by 4 feet long) the passenger limit should generally be regarded as 6. It is not polite to force your way onto a 3 by 4 elevator if there are already six people on board.
5. While writing, drawing or spray-painting on the walls of elevator, make sure not to get any felt marker or paint on fellow passengers.
6. While the elevator is moving, avoid contact with the floors passing by the open door. A poorly placed arm or leg could quickly be torn off if caught between a floor and the elevator car.
7. Especially for new users: If the elevator car jerks strongly or free-falls for a meter or two, do not panic or scream. Locals find this behavior disruptive and irritating.
8. While smoking on the elevator, try not to blow smoke directly in other's faces, and try not to touch them with the burning end of your butt. Remember that it is safer to extinguish your finished cigarette on the floor of the elevator rather that to cast it down an elevator shaft and risk it making contact with unseen flammables.
9. If you are a non-smoker, do not grimace, wince or cough while others smoke in the elevator car. This is considered extremely rude and presumptuous by the locals.

Item compliments of Chris McGrath, retired web developer and bosnian resident. This certainly does help to put things in perspective, chris and gina are ever-reliable on that front.

j-lo, cruise, stallone, puff, eminem. What used to only live in the enquirer now rates the 10:00 news. I can't be the only one miffed about this marzipan use of our country's great communication network, but I'm also not the only one who does not consume these channels of import regularly. Therefore, the question stands, how does one boycott something they do not use or purchase in the first place? Best answer receives a free VHS tape of Christian Slater's classic opus Kuffs.

I'm not kidding, the ex-radio promotion is in a box in my basement right now.

If you are one to celebrate the vapid and spiritless event known as valentines day, please deviate from the American boilerplate special of a dozen roses, heart-shaped box of chocolates, local Italian cuisine and movie. And I don't mean get snow-caps and drop the movie. What I do mean is drop it all, recognize that every swinging Richard in the continental United States is on this program, and everyone knows it. It's a marketing screwjob, a hallmark conspiracy. Boycott v-day and just spoil your partner in a week, month or never. I promise you will be equally benefited.

1. When getting on the elevator where people are exiting, let them get off first. First I say!
2. If there are more than 10 stories in the building, do not use the elevator to travel a single floor, especially in a downward direction, unless infirmed or the stairwells are out of service.
3. If there are more than 3 elevators present and you are not the only passenger, do not hold the door while your slow and oafish comrade makes their way down a corridor exceeding 30 feet.
4. When other passengers are present, male urinal rules preside. Identify the largest expanse, divide by two and stay on your side of the demarcation line.
5. If you are simple enough to hit the wrong floor, apologize to the other occupants for your thick nature. If you are actually bent enough to select the wrong floor a second time, complete the job nature started and kindly remove yourself from the gene pool.
6. If the elevator mechanically hiccups in any fashion, do not freak out. Your life is not a keanu reeves film nor are your moans and faces extraordinary.
7. Do not pass gas in the actual elevator car. And while exiting counts as being 'in' the elevator.
8. When more than 5 cars exist, do not throw your briefcase/purse in the closing doors so you can get on. Accept that you missed the boat and wait for the next. Also recognize that you are possibly the fourth person to do this, and the poor suck in the back has now been waiting for 5 minutes to begin his meager journey.

so many movies coming out of hollywood today attempt to blend action, romance and humor into a fun-fest to be enjoyed by all market groups. never has anyone succeeded in this task like ang lee, (of ice storm fame) in his latest opus crouching tiger, hidden dragon. the cinematography is incredible, the acting sincere, the humor well-crafted, the gender-roles discarded and the fight-scenes absolutely mesmerizing in this classic homage to such films. all elements in this work were so concisely fused, i think any willing-minded person (subtitles, complex plot, fantastical) could enjoy it at all levels.

and, in the previews, i spied the trailer for the coen boys next film, o brother where art thou and it looks like they may be up to their old tricks.

i met a guy the other day who when we shook hands i discovered that he was wearing a rubber glove. now, not a medical glove (snap!) nor a yellow toilet scrubbing one but a loose clear plastic one like the people at subway subs wear. this was at a gym so i figured perhaps they have to wear them for some hygeine based reason, but upon further observation, i found that he was only wearing the one on his right hand.

now admittedly, this is something that should be able to happen and you furrow your brow but then move on. problem is i cannot shake this image. i'm suddenly obsessed with the why's and how's of this moment in my life and the events that led up to it. and given this experience, i'm considering a zany antic of my own so that i may stimulate comparable thought in others that cross my path. second problem is, i cannot think of anything as uniquely cool as the uni-crazy-glove. AHHHHH!

if you detest the successories phenomenom even a fraction as much as myself, you should enjoy the effort of despair.com. they took the very necessary dilbert/far side/doonesberry approach to this laughable exercise.

featuring corporate favorites such as Agony,  Defeat,  Failure,  Ineptitude,  Losing,  Mediocrity,  Mistakes,  Pessimism,  Procrastination,  and of course Stupidity, despair.com has taken the motivational art-form to new levels.

i watched american beauty last night for the first time since falling in love with it at the theater. seeing it again reminded me how thoroughly i enjoyed the plentitude of heated discussions it spawned. the most special of these revolving around how differently men and women perceived the flick. a great majority of women dismissed it as a serious work claiming it to be too outlandish and farcical while most men deemed it a stellar effort and just short of a documentary on the american male.

this is obviously one arena where we are not all on the same page.

in perusing this month's National Geographic magazine, i spied a story about the 'real' beverly hills 90210. two facts lept off the page. the aggregate income of the 2,585 families making $150,000 a year or more is $1,177,152,216. and, in the highly exclusive 'subdivision' of North Beverly Park, a starter home is 8 mil, 25,000 sq feet, and routinely sports 10-car garages, multiple kitchens and 4,000 sq foot bedroom suites.

i hope there aren't anyone with the last name "jones" living there.

i am currently reading b. franklin's autobiography. for any who have not yet experienced the father of self-improvement's insights, i loftily recommend it. in researching some of his ancillary efforts, i ran into this item, the morals of chess, he wrote for someone somewhere comparing life to the sport of chess. for any who play, i intuit that you would appreciate.

The government has finally decided how use of cellular telephones while driving is to be regulated. Not surprisingly, the solution proves quite simple. It was determined that if you are a member of society, which requires the use of his or her cell phone, even while behind the wheel of an automobile, it becomes the responsibility of your employer to provide you with a chauffeur, limousine and motorcade. Furthermore, they have concluded that all people possessing this level of import have already been supplied with the fore mentioned items.

Therefore, if you are in violation of this new directive, you are kindly asked to hang up the phone, shut your turn signal off, accelerate when the light actually turns green, get off the damn shoulder and go give that dog a proper burial. The Respect Police thank you in advance for your cooperation.

any of you who read, and enjoyed, my letter to the tivo corporation ought to love this guy. this is a complaint published by the ny times that was written to some bank. this is great, great humor which i wish i could claim as my own, but as it stands the author is unknown.

While I greatly struggle with the nature (or lack thereof) of american zoos, I can't help but marvel at how phenomenally cool it is the I can jump on my bike, jet up to the local (st louis) zoo and see what I can see. To be nose to nose with such a magnificent and dangerous creature is quite a charge for a city-phyte like myself. But, regardless of how much thought I commit to it, I conclude tha...

Are you ready to celebrate banned book week (September 23-30)? Your local library is. And, to commemorate the event they have published their list of the most challenged books so that we can all enjoy.

Each time I look at one of these lists, I am astounded anew. I mean I guess we should count ourselves lucky that the people challenging these books are not well-read. So many of the books listed are laughable (i.e. huck finn, tom sawyer, pillars of the earth (gasp), james and the giant peach) knowing other works that are out there. And of course, at the same time I love the list because it provides me with books I would not have otherwise read (i.e. the stupids, the face on the milk carton, the boy who lost his face).

Pretending "stuff" doesn't exist is not helping your child. I would think that any parent would want to expose their children to said "stuff" while they are there to offer guidance and explanation, intellectually addressing their questions and curiosities. Because, if you don't, someone else will (insert crazy organ music here) and odds are that someone may not deliver an interpretation you find acceptable. Wake up!

at a wedding the other night (congrats john and sacha), i surprisingly found myself in a discussion about circumcision. after a young woman said that she would absolutely cut any boys she had, i proffered the standard "if you circumcise your boys, you must also circumcise your girls." this is usually enough to fluster even the most steady-witted of women. she turned to me and very calmly replied (and i paraphrase but you'll get the gist):

"well, unless i'm mistaken, the women of this society have been both mentally and emotionally circumcised by the patriarchal founders of our culture."

this retort went on but my head was reeling for a worthy reply (none was had) but i capitulate and extend kudos to the most creative piece of social banter i've encountered this year. thanks for the humor michelle.

Spread tissue or newspapers on the ground to catch nail clippings. Sit on the ground and hold toe clippers in one hand, grasping your foot with the other. Your foot should be placed over the tissue or newspaper. Cut straight across your big toenail. Repeat for other toes. Gather the tissue or paper with clippings and throw away. Inspect ground for escapee clippings. (courtesy of e-how)

this sounds fine and all but if you do not collect your toe shards in a mason jar, how do you send them to a friend via the u.s. postal service once a year.

Could there be a more hypocritical and closed-minded voice out there? Here is a pretty good letter to the self-proclaimed pundit and moralist Dr. Laura. She's the only perfect person who a) let some illicit fling take naked pictures of her and b) let them publish them on the web. good work.

Is anyone else baffled by the American tradition of cigarette smokers just pitching their spent smokes out the window, on the ground, over the bridge, etc? I would typically rely on our friend the litter law if I hadn't also witnessed cops chucking the occasional butt as well.

here's the fix. put a 5-cent deposit on all cigarettes, returnable when you, or some opportunistic homeless guy, brings a bucket of butts in for recycling. And as for the butts already decorating our landscape, just ding the tobacco companies for facilitating this great atrocity to our land and cities...let's call it a retro-active fine. Now admittedly, there is the problematic drawback of guys getting waxed while running around on the highway collecting said refuse. Can you say acceptable losses? Now stay frosty out there boys.