a recent behavior being questioned, frowned upon and ridiculed by marty is how i've been wearing my sweaters as of late. first, we're all painfully aware by now that i have a tragically misshapen body. it is modeled, sadly, after my feet. my size 6 EEE feet. for those lacking visual aides, this would be square in proportion. given this, sweaters manufactured for the average human fit me more like an oversized and striped tube sock rather than a comfortably hanging and stylish winter garment. for this reason i must buy them bigger than my height might suggest. the shortcoming in this compromise is they are also much longer. to adjust for this i have taken to cuffing the waist band much like i do the wrist bands.

marty says this looks stupid. i contend that it also looks stupid to have one's sweater hang to some point between their groin and kneecaps, possibly more stupid in fact. i mean if you were to throw some ankle warmers on me i'm suddenly and very concisely transformed into every side-ponytailed aerobics instructor from the 80's. i gotta say i'm not budging on this one. partially because if i were to move too suddenly all the various pieces of debris that have collected in the cuffed hem of my sweater would be certain to spill onto my lap and about my feet. wanna talk about looking stupid.

there is this popular video tape for babies that we have. i'm not going to say which one, no point. at the end of the tape the video's creator comes on to say something or another about the merits of the program and why you should buy more of them. i've come into the habit of uttering a particular phrase whenever she graces the screen. what i say each and every time is "stripper gone good."

the reason is quite simple. this woman simply looks the part. she looks as though she once may have felt comfortable walking around on tables in skimpy garments until marrying a wealthy patron where she's now doing that whole mom in the burbs thing, only with an entrepreneurial bent.

marty typically just rolls her eyes, employing her often used troy-annoyance-defense-mechanism. bella typically just looks at me momentarily and then returns to her task of beating her blocks against some valuable. the other day after saying my little quip, bella quite unmistakably uttered the phonetics of the same phrase. marty did not roll her eyes this time. they did something else, the description of which i will spare you.

my defense; "well, at least they weren't her first words".

and for the record "oh suck" which i say every time the wood bin is empty weren't her first words either. close to the first, but not her first.

this is what could have happened and this is what did happen.

not only am i baltimore-bound to serve as best man to the doctor of diss, but earlier this week i was asked to do the same for bookpimp in his upcoming knot-tieing-fest later this decade.

question: how many people think they could dress me up, stand me on a perch in front of hundreds of people, hand me a microphone and hope for the best? if you answered two, you would be correct.

another question: should these guys be concerned of what might get said on their behalf? only if the terms severed foreskin, private place, first time and drifting methane swill cause you, your family and/or closest friends any sort of discomfiture.

i'm sure all will go swimmingly.

i'm sure all will go memorably at the least.

UPDATE 3: we may have 2 more slots filled on the taos ski bonanza.

UPDATE 4: now i know this will be the second time i've talked about it after saying i would no longer talk about it, but the everyman made usa today's top sites.

anyone want to go skiing next month? the lodging is on me.

i'm serious. if you can get to taos, new mexico and i know you or you can confirm you will not be anal-raping any of the other flat-mates, you're welcome to share in this late february boondoggle.

again, i'm serious. i've got room for 6 more. i'm counting bookguy as two because i've traveled with him before and his digestive tract requires a single bed of its own.

viable candidates may contact me directly to discuss specifics.

UPDATE 1: okay. two spots are tentatively taken. i say tentative because one guy needs to get a wave from his parole officer and the other needs to get a wave from the free clinic. i'd mention chlymidia but i don't know that i'm sure how to spell chlamydia.

UPDATE 2: and i know i said i was done with the everyman, but yesterday this happened which caused 3,700 hits from yahoo. to recap that is 1154, 2054, 3700. anybody got any loose jack around to help me with an excessive bandwidth charge from my web host.

this website usually gets anywhere from 40-65 hits a day. since announcing the latest winners my numbers jumped a little bit from people anxious to see the submitted photos as well as the winners. this was also aided by a couple of generous mentions from some more storied of the web gods. friday i was thinking the 1154 hits were something to coo about until i looked at yesterday's numbers which reached a staggering 2054 hits.

here's what one of the discussion boards had to say.

Channel your inner Ansel Adams.
Going off of the theory that everyone has at least one great photo in them (as opposed to professional photographers, who should have hundreds), missiouri webizen & amateur photographer Troy DeArmitt has hosted (for the past two years) an annual web based photo contest open to other amateurs only, sponsored out of his own wallet. If the results of this year's contest are any indication, he's right, there are some beautiful photos here.

this commentary was kindly posted here (expired link) by persons unknown.

and, for any people tired of hearing me blather on and on about this subject, i'm done now. i'll let you know when the next one gets fired up, but i'm baked on this one.

first things first. i have no worldly idea what i'm doing. some of you have thought this. others have assured me they were certain of this. i concede. i'm clueless. for those there at the inception of the everyman, you know it began as a way for me to collect art to hang in my home. it was a brilliant notion and worked swimmingly with one exception; a winner had to be named. we've now done this twice and twice there have been all sorts of unhappy people at the conclusion. while i feel for you, i have polled enough parties to know, i can't help you here. no matter what photos are picked, no matter who judges or how many judges there are, there are going to be unsatiated souls at the end of the day. i've embraced this. should you be one of these ill-contented people, you should embrace this as well. and the guy who posted the boycott on the everyman should really embrace this. and believe me when i say i know how you feel because i feel the same way every time i watch america's funniest home videos and sit dumbfounded at the clips selected to move to the next round. it's shameful.

here's the deal. if you want to see a photo contest that puts your favorite photo in the number one slot, you need to first have a contest and secondly you need to be the only judge. i know this because my number one pick from this year's contest didn't even place in the top three. so there's that. but this is not to say that we can't make things better. i've already committed to doing it again and plan on getting the details of next (this) year's contest worked out while this one is still fresh in my mind. what i'd like to do is tell you what i'm thinking and i'd very much like to get opinions and suggestions on how you think it could yet be improved.

next year, i will introduce categories. they will be:
1. black and white
2. landscape/nature
3. people/portrait
4. travel/architecture
5. macro/abstract
this was a logical next step and this year certainly had enough quality-based diversity to fuel such a paradigm. i feel pretty good about this, but am willing to massage it should someone have a viable modification.

areas where i am still uncertain include:
Prizes:
i have decided to up the total pay outs to $500. assuming this, do i give the first place winner in each category $100 and nothing to 2nd and 3rd or do i break it down $50, $30, $20 respectively?

judging:
now recall my earlier note about the selection process. with this in mind, what do you think might be the most equitable approach.
1. a panel of judges
2. let the contributing artists judge
3. or, judge it all by my lonesome
(as for the let anyone and everyone judge, i'm not up to this task. the technology behind trying to keep a handle on that requires more effort and time than i'm able to commit, so it is not an option. i don't want people screaming ballot-stuffing on me. i ain't florida.)

beyond, that i'm reasonably open and welcome your suggestions/opinions. in case it needs to be said, i'm not making any promises to do what you forward. i'm just trying to get smarter about the process and would love feedback from the people who may have experience or insights into the matter.

and by the way, congratulations to this year's winners. and thank you (again) to all who participated. regardless of any coffee room mumblings out there, it was all good.

i believe this is what you're looking for.

one difference between this year and last is that last year i didn't eat breakfast in the shower.

getting older is all about getting better and here it is just a few days into the new year and i've already satisfied my 2003 improvement.

marty while watching the bachlorette.

it's worse than i thought. i've had 6 different people, who are not judges, give me their top three picks. that would be 18 selections from the 80 photos and there was not a single duplication in the lot.

this helps explain why so many people got in my face about last year's results. people just like different stuff. and, i'd be the first to admit that i could pick 15 photos i'd be comfortable naming top dawg. unfortunately, i can't afford to give 15 people a c-note, so i guess i'll just get more practice at having semi-strangers get shrill with me until next year's contest when we can do it all again.

but, as i pour through these photos i'm convinced of one thing; it is totally worth it.

the casting call is over. it's now up to the three humans asked to serve as judges to assume the unquantifiably difficult task of narrowing 80 photos down to three.

last year i held on publishing the entries until it was all decided, making everything available at once. you can thank big ed for getting an early glimpse at this year's crop before the judging is complete. this has added benefit because while perusing them, try to pick a few out that you would award the prizes and you'll get a vibe of how agonizing the judging process is. bottom line is there are a number of photos worthy of the grand prize but as it is, only one can be anointed as such. this is the major suck about the everyman. the un-suck is how amazing and diverse and talented the submissions and their artists are. i tip my hat to all those who participated.

without further delay, i welcome you to visit the everyman index and see what you're competing against, should you be in the game.

note: the photos will not be credited with the author's name until the judging process is complete.

i've played this game for as long as i can remember. from people i've polled i believe it to be an only child game. as for the other only children i've asked, they claim to not know it. i've concluded that it is they who are aberrant and not me. i call my game the What-If game. in this game one simply thinks of scenarios they could physically act out and then ruminate on the consequences of such ...

i don't make bets very often. the few times i do, i'm certain i will win (exept where e-love is concerned). yesterday i was presented with such an opportunity. the bet: if you put a dime on the floor beneath the urinal in the men's bathroom, would it still be there an hour later. the wager: lunch. my position: yes, it would absolutely still be there one hour later, one day later, one lifetime later (barring the janitorial process).

all men should know where i'm coming from but women may not so allow me take just a moment to explain this rationale. i'm sure you ladies have possible notions of how a male attends to his liquid business but there is minutia involved that most wouldn't be privy to. now i know those that are married or co-habitating have a semblance of understanding because there are drops and smatterings of your partner around your own lavatory. you may on occasion marvel at the quantity or the distance it traveled from the commode but assuming you're only living with one guy at a time, these thoughts are still wildly deficient. now what i need you to do is imagine the mayhem created by 100 men sharing one urinal over a span of 9 hours. furthermore, consider a man's attention to such matters in their own home and then project how their nature may change in a public forum where they are not solely responsible or held accountable for the cumulative effect.

for instance, in the morning when the bathroom is pristine from the night's cleaning, men just step up and do their deed. as early as ten am you may have to move anywhere from 6-12 inches back as to not stand in the shiny pool beginning to form under the urinal as brought about by the hapless shakes and miscalculations of previous patrons. by 3pm you may find yourself a full two feet away with legs apart as not to be standing in this accumulated swill.

so given this you can imagine my certainty when someone said they were going to set a dime in the epicenter of this mayhem at 2:30pm and that it would still be there come 3:30. i know, sheer madness. but this fella was confident as was i, so the dime was dropped at the appointed hour. for obvious reasons we could not stand watch over the urinal so i cannot say if the silver lucre lasted 10 or 55 minutes, all i can report is that it did not last the full 60. i repeat, it did not last the full 60.

shocked and staggered and now uncertain of the far-reaching ramifications of this study, i will buy this lunch but i will buy it with paper currency. and i will accept only paper currency in return, as my change in that from this day forward coin will never again touch the hand of troy lane dearmitt. never!

and oh yeah, everyman submissions are due tonight by midnight.

anyone want to buy a laptop? i wanted to and did. i'm sure we've all, by now, heard of apple's latest offering. i won't disgust you with my gushings about my current powerbook which i bought just over a year ago. suffice it to say i didn't think i'd ever love a machine more, until i watched apple's state of the union on tuesday. when jobs introduced this new machine i sat in front of my computer and laughed hysterically, maniacally one might even say. i'm embarrassed to admit that i in no way cared how much this metallic piece of sex was, i knew it would be mine.

so that's the good news for me. the good news for some lucky and as of yet undetermined technophile is i will be selling my current laptop. i haven't yet decided on an exact price but they seem to do quite well on ebay, unsurprisingly. although, should you be someone i like you may find me to be a persuasive soul. and this being the machine that facilitated my switch from windows to the ever elegant mac os, before "the switch" was made vogue, i may be even more conciliatory to a potential switch candidate.

for any serious window-shoppers, the specs follow:
titanium powerbook G4
550mhz
40gb hard drive (upgraded)
756mb ram (upgraded)
brand new battery (purchased 12.02)
vga port
slot-loading cd/dvd player
and all the other published amenities
this machine is obviously in immaculate condition and comes with all original packing materials, documentation and software.

note that i won't be selling this until i receive the new one and get my life transitioned over. according to the order confirmation, they are already back ordered and the projected ship date is 7-10 weeks out (major suck!). so you'd have a little time to sell your blood, soul, sperm and body before having to make payment.

marty has entered the second half of her pregnancy with captain*. she started showing about a month ago and her clothes stopped fitting a few weeks ago. frustrated for apparel she started ripping stuff out of the closet which slowly started to pile up on the bed in an unbuttonable fury. solution: raid the hubby's side of the walk-in.

do you have any concept how frustrating it is that after two years of religious gym-going you discover that your new svelte frame is the same girth as a half-pregnant woman.

and she's got room to swim in even my most hip-hugging khakis.

there's two years down the crapper.

* captain is baby number two's in utero name, rockefeller having been bella's pre vaginal chute-ride moniker. i had suggested Copernicus but walt nixed it for complexity reasons and somehow captain emerged as its elementary counterpart. and, you can keep your capt stubing jokes to yourself. i ain't in the mood and i don't have the time. there's a jazzercize class across town i need to sign up for.

in case you haven't noticed, i've been out to lunch. i've also been out for brunch, tea and a late night snack. actually i believe someone secretly exercised some technology-aversion conditioning on me because during my holiday sabbatical, every time i walked into my study i would look at my desk, turn around and walk out.

instead, i slept. i had bella ask what that was on my chin. it was a zit. i made two homemade pies. i observed that more people that come to my house prefer pumpkin over apple pie. i burned a cord of wood in the fireplace. i ran the side of my thumb through a cheese grater, twice, while talking to the intentionally-disshevled guy. i finished one book about someone who wanted to have more sex and started another about someone who wanted to have less sex (can you guess which one is fiction). i did some other stuff but suddenly find myself sidetracked trying to gauge where i fall on the sex issue.

i'd like to say that my mind was ready to heave and vomit two weeks worth of quality thoughts but in reviewing my notes, and if the above serves as any indication, it appears the best i'm able to divine would be a wispy, odorless fart. you know the saying "i know people who can shit better stuff than that"? well, do you know people who can let a wispy, odorless fart better than that? you can now check yes to that box. so it may take a little bit for me to get my sea legs back but back they will get. and meantime, i can hopefully spend the next few days collecting and organizing all of your everyman photos which are certain to begin pouring in given the deadline is this friday @ midnight.

friday.

midnight.

be there or be the sex-hungry guy in my previous book and not the sex-laden guy in my current book. yes, the everyman equals sex and loads of it. maybe not for you and maybe not for me, but if i recall my younger years with any kind of vividness, maybe was all it took to get any still-breathing man off the couch and in the car.