from the ever-reliable chavez, one of the better joke emails i've received as of late. but, perhaps it speaks to me in that special way given the number of times this very thought has run through my mind.

Employee: "I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma??? What the hell is that?"

Employee: "Well basically, for the next few days, I just can't see my ass coming in to work."

while fighting a production fire on my work laptop, i accidentally hit some random keystroke combination. my windows installation now thinks i'm legally blind and partially deaf. at least i believe this to be the case because most of the fonts are set to 76 dpi and all the beeps are dinging at bloodletting decibels. two hours into this mysterious and seemingly irreversible setting i can now claim both of these ailments after facebutting the keyboard numerous times.

thursday morning i woke up, took my shower and then went downstairs to the kitchen wearing a towel around my waist as i'm like to do. bella was already down there sitting at the counter eating her breakfast.

b: good morning daddy.
d: good morning sweetheart.
b: there's another daddy in the basement.
d: oh is there? that's nice.

one quickly adjusts to the rocketing imagination of a young child and learns to nod and 'uhm-hum' with great frequency. so i got my breakfast together and sat next to bella at the counter eating. then the 'other daddy' emerged from the basement appearing in the kitchen doorway.

o: good morning.
d: oh, good morning.
b: there's the other daddy, daddy.
d: yes, i see the other daddy.

turns out the other daddy in the basement was the exterminator marty had let in while i was showering. marty entered the kitchen and started rapping with the guy. i decided to quickly finish my breakfast and head back upstairs to get ready for work. but, the conversation he and marty were having proved interesting enough to draw me in. it's not often that i stand in front of strange men in nothing but a towel and jaw for 20 or so minutes but (1) i didn't know he was here and (2) it is my house and this is what i do. one may ask what can be learned in such a short span between a man holding a can of bug spray and another wearing a plush green towel. here's a sample of what i now know about this other daddy.

our exterminator ...

1. was one of eight children. four boys. four girls.
2. had a nun ram a pencil into the palm of his hand when he was in first grade. the lead tip is still there.
3. is a book-writing, painter.
4. grew up on a farmhouse built where a lake used to be. in addition to several feet of water they would routinely find salamanders swimming around their flooded basement.
5. went through a horrible divorce where he sold his bar in attempt to get his two sons. he lost the petition and was instructed to give them up and pay child support. when he and his wife exited the courtroom, she pushed the two boys to him and said you take them, but i still want the checks.
6. cried when he dropped his oldest boy off at college. he almost made it out of there but as he was driving away his son looked back and waved. it was here he lost it.
7. almost died from internal bleeding after having colon cancer surgury.
8. wished he had learned to play the piano in his youth, but feared for his safety given his three brothers.
9. tried to domesticate a flying squirrel, mole and just about anything else he could catch in the woods.
10. knows a guy who looks a lot like me.

i had no choice. i told the guy i had to go to work but he would absolutely have to come over for dinner in the very near future. once at work i had the following conversation:

g: hey troy. so what's up?
t: not much. although, i just met the most interesting guy this morning.
g: who was it?
t: my exterminator.

this modest piece of banter culminated with the following life-lessons being passed down to me by a half-circle of the hunting, scratching, full-time-uber-males i work with ...

1. the man of the house should always know, and i mean always know, when another man is in his home.
2. men do not walk around their home in a towel.
3. men do not talk to strangers while in nothing but a towel.
4. men do not invite perfect strangers to their home for dinner.
5. men do not wear boxers. (one guy)
6. men do not wear briefs. (another guy)
7. men switch between boxers and briefs. (and yet another guy)
8. men shower before going to bed and not in the morning.
9. men do not run outside in their underwear to grab the paper.
10. sleeping naked is left to hippies and perverts.

i fear these guys are three minutes away from dragging me to the bathroom to prove to them that i'm actually a member of their gender club.

awhile back i was approached by a guy who wanted to know if i was interested in doing some design work for a porn site or two. he assured me that he and people he knew had quite a need and the opportunities would be both abundant and lucrative.

the only burn i could see is that i'd be doing work i couldn't exactly put in my portfolio which is a little bit on the evil side. when i mentioned it in passing to marty she surprisingly had a few more negative items outside of the portfolio issue. "just how would you feel telling your daughter that you peddled pornographic material for a living?"

would i be sitting in my new Porsche when explaining it to her?

this would be an example of the wrong thing to say to marty when discussing such matters.

i have one chest hair. i've had it for about 15 years. this hair is three inches long. and it grows right out of the dark border of my nipple, not next to it like you'd expect. and, it's squirrley, shooting out all hurly-burly, not straight or ordinary at all. every few months it falls out but regenerates in just days if not just hours.

this somehow came up in conversation at work and the guy i was talking to was saying things like "what in the hell are you talking about?" and "stop talking. just stop talking."

then, thinking he wasn't getting it or wasn't believing me, i stuck two fingers into the gap between the buttons on my shirt and started fishing around for it.

him: what are you doing?

me: i'm going to show it to you?

him: i don't want to see it.

me: no, it's ok. i can pull it out between the buttons.

him: stop doing that.

me: it'll just take a second.

him: don't do that.

me: wait. i almost got it.

him: no. stop. i don't want to see that thing.

me: (i stop) oh i'm sorry. but, it's really quite a thing.

him: don't ever do that again. i'm serious man. don't ever do that again.

last thursday after first getting up and passing bella in the hall she stopped and held her hand up to me as if a cop instructing traffic to halt and said the following in a doctor-serious voice. she then turned and headed towards the tv room. the body of the teddy bear she had in a serious headlock bobbing behind her. if i could express a thought in the office using half her conviction and firmness, i might actually make something happen. which i think may have worked out had i not been watching the prescribed episodes of big bird and company all morning.

so i've spent the last six months building a replacement intranet for my employer. there were 40 applications. a cumulative total of more than 2,000 files. we were meticulous. we were clean. i've worked 10 weekends since alex was born. i've been in the office 25 of the last 34 hours. i would not fail. it was simply not permissable.

and then, 7 hours before my site went live, some totally unrelated systems issues took a giant wet shit on the hood of my shiny new sports car. it was the most tainted successful rollout i've ever been asked to oversee.

bitch.

i'm quite different from most of the guys i work with. this is typical. but usually not as pronounced as my current situation. in the eyes of my colleagues i'm prissy, snobbish, delicate and several other decidedly negative terms, by their estimation at least. the only thing i could say about them is they are men, real, un-concentrated men.

the other day one of the uber-men informed me that if i mentioned UNIX one more time (they are a microsoft shop) a certain three of them were going to drag me out back and kick my ass. they don't know UNIX and aren't entirely comfortable with what such a change may hold for their future employment in this firm. i confidently told him i could defend such an attack. curious, he asked what 160 pounds of me was going to do against the combined 2,000 pounds of their three-man gorilla-squad. i would simply act like your pummeling aroused me, sexually. his countenance changed quite visibly. he admitted that this just may work.

i was in a meeting the other day and someone referred to the webmaster. everyone looked at me. why are you all looking at me, i asked the room and they said 'because you're the webmaster stupid.'

scary times. these are scary times indeed.

day one was pretty quiet. let us hope this serenity continues.

and, i'd say more but i'm still reading. i've got lots of catching up to do.

i've got about an hour before going to bed and in this time i can either think of something to say to you or crack open the book i haven't touched in two months.

you see, i've worked more in the last 6 weeks than i did in all of 2002, possibly 2001 as well. the intranet i've been building for my new employer sees its first users tomorrow (tuesday) where they will poke and jab with their keystrokes and mouse clicks the 31 applications that were rewritten for their benefit.

so in these last few moments of anonymity i think i shall go sit on a futon and do what i haven't done in a long time; read my book.

if you see me on the street and i look different, it's the belt. i've only recently begun wearing one and am very self-conscious about it. this pointless strap of leather goes against everything i believe in, clothing wise and is the one article of clothing i wear that serves no function other than to scream out to all that see me that i am a total whore to industry and too wrapped up in what others think to think for myself.

some days making a living sucks.

well hello there. it's been a little while hasn't it? hope you all have been doing well and good.

i had visions of coming out strong with some great and personal blitzkrieg to your mind, but last week i worked between 70 and 80 hours and the week before that 60-70. i lost my ability to perform simple arithmetic during the first hell week. this little bout with the job has also voided the surprise i was going to give you today, perhaps later. i'd tell you what it was but that would negate the surprise factor whenever i do get around to it so i'll need y'all to sit in the dark for a bit more.

since, i'm falling short, if you want something interesting to read, go here.

so some guys at work were all huddled in this circle talking about various guy things when one of them pipes up and starts bashing the adult flushable wipe. i mean he's essentially calling them feminine hygiene commercials for men and asked "what kind of man is going to use these." i saw several heads nodding in agreement. being new and being the least testosterone ridden of the pack i found myself unable to step up in the name of my personal sanitation-based savior. my head hung in spineless shame afraid my eyes may betray my allegiance. when shockingly i heard an unlikely voice speak up in their defense. i say unlikely because if you had to pick the guy most opposite me in our group, this fellow would be it. but, all the same, here he was and proclaimed the following in a stern southern drawl. yeah. take that you heathens.

i don't make bets very often. the few times i do, i'm certain i will win (exept where e-love is concerned). yesterday i was presented with such an opportunity. the bet: if you put a dime on the floor beneath the urinal in the men's bathroom, would it still be there an hour later. the wager: lunch. my position: yes, it would absolutely still be there one hour later, one day later, one lifetime later (barring the janitorial process).

all men should know where i'm coming from but women may not so allow me take just a moment to explain this rationale. i'm sure you ladies have possible notions of how a male attends to his liquid business but there is minutia involved that most wouldn't be privy to. now i know those that are married or co-habitating have a semblance of understanding because there are drops and smatterings of your partner around your own lavatory. you may on occasion marvel at the quantity or the distance it traveled from the commode but assuming you're only living with one guy at a time, these thoughts are still wildly deficient. now what i need you to do is imagine the mayhem created by 100 men sharing one urinal over a span of 9 hours. furthermore, consider a man's attention to such matters in their own home and then project how their nature may change in a public forum where they are not solely responsible or held accountable for the cumulative effect.

for instance, in the morning when the bathroom is pristine from the night's cleaning, men just step up and do their deed. as early as ten am you may have to move anywhere from 6-12 inches back as to not stand in the shiny pool beginning to form under the urinal as brought about by the hapless shakes and miscalculations of previous patrons. by 3pm you may find yourself a full two feet away with legs apart as not to be standing in this accumulated swill.

so given this you can imagine my certainty when someone said they were going to set a dime in the epicenter of this mayhem at 2:30pm and that it would still be there come 3:30. i know, sheer madness. but this fella was confident as was i, so the dime was dropped at the appointed hour. for obvious reasons we could not stand watch over the urinal so i cannot say if the silver lucre lasted 10 or 55 minutes, all i can report is that it did not last the full 60. i repeat, it did not last the full 60.

shocked and staggered and now uncertain of the far-reaching ramifications of this study, i will buy this lunch but i will buy it with paper currency. and i will accept only paper currency in return, as my change in that from this day forward coin will never again touch the hand of troy lane dearmitt. never!

and oh yeah, everyman submissions are due tonight by midnight.

so i've been getting dinged quite heavily about the new job and i'm sorry i haven't followed up with, well any of you, but as i alluded earlier, time is a little lean at the moment. in short, the new job is quite awesome. it takes me 10 minutes to get there and 8 to get home. i think the time difference has something to do with the number of left versus right turns in each direction. given that it is so close, i've been coming home for lunch each day. i think i've already lost weight and i certainly have more money in my pocket than i'm accustomed to at this late date in the month.

the people in the office seem talented and loaded with personality, although i haven't gotten to delve too deep into any of them just yet. yesterday, i was talking to darkman on the phone when a guy came by my desk who built my new computer and i told him thanks and how he did a beautiful job and that i was aroused, physically aroused, to finally have a working machine. darkman asked if i knew this guy previously or just met him. oh darkman, i have so much to teach you about making a first and lasting impression, especially with the IT guys who support you.

but, in that vein, i do, surprisingly, know quite a few people at this location, which is an add. and since it's the same company, i know much of the routine, which also helps. they've initially been leaving me quite open to explore their environment and get acclimated to the needs, which is a phenomenally nice courtesy. last weekend, i actually caught myself on a few different occasions anxious for monday to arrive so i could return to a couple of things i was working on. while i'm a firm believer that a job is primarily something that interrupts an otherwise personal life, it's a very nice situation to have that interruption be challenging and meaningful.

have a good weekend, i'll be sitting here waiting for the next workday to roll around.

as my wife and partner of almost 13 years knows and as all routine readers of this site know, it has been a long time since i've tried to impress anyone. ok so i try, but i don't succeed. it should count. today is a new day though. today, i start a new job. in many respects it has been awhile since i've had a job, but today i do, again. and, i am going to need to take my big gulp of air and try to swim to the other side of the pool without coming up in attempt to wow and astound my new colleagues and associates. point being, i need you to bear with me over the next few weeks, possibly months while i figure it all out. it is for the best, i assure you. once i learn the ropes and feel that i am properly contributing, i'll be back to my old flatutory and self-adulatory ways. until then things may be a little on the lean side. we'll see.

and, if any are interested about this new job, it is a web design and development gig for the mortgage division of the same bank i previously worked for. so i'm actually back to doing what i love, geeking on the web. it's actually a great opportunity, which is why i accepted it, and i'm bristling with the potential it holds. so, wish me well, say a prayer, kiss a penny, save me a dance, essentially do whatever it is people do when well-wishing other people.

ok, first off. thanks for the support everyone sent on the interview deal. it made a rather harrowing day a little less harrowing. given your interest, i guess i shouldn't leave you hanging.

the first interview didn't go as hoped. somewhere in the selection process there was a disconnect. essentially, i said i'm a web designer/developer and they said "oh you're a gutter repairman? Perfect! that's exactly what we need." so that one didn't really pan out so well.

the second position holds greater promise. they are actually looking for a web designer/developer. i feel as though that interview came off pretty well. although i think at one point i may have given the questioner the impression that i get aroused by coding web pages. and yeah, i do mean that kind of aroused. so i may need to turn the excitement level down a notch as to not terrify any potential employers. i go back there tomorrow (1pm cst) for the technical interview and should know something early next week. i'll keep you posted, assuming i don't succumb to the pleasure surrounding updating my web site.

ok, i've got some bad news for you all. well actually it's bad news for me, but in my mildly egotistic world, that extends to you as well. i was recently told my job was toast. that isn't exactly right. i was told my job was moving. to portland. now don't get me wrong. i love portland. i think it's the most centered city i've seen. but let me tell you something about my life (for a change).

after bella was born a year and a half ago, my mom came out to visit and help. she then returned home and promptly quit her very posh job in pittsburgh to take a very evil job in saint louis just so she could be closer to this tiny non-speaking, non-sleeping bundle of late nights. this was one of the many examples of living by your priorities i've witnessed in my mother.

when my boss was discussing the relocation package i explained that it would have to cover 7 homes and 26 humans. when asked to expound on this need, i countered that that is what it would take to move 4 grandparents, 5 of 7 siblings and a whole gob of screaming cousins to portland because i wasn't going without them, cool city or not. the boss blinked.

so i have two interviews today. i have a couple more in the hopper as well should these not pan out. wish me well at 10 and 2 (cst). otherwise, i'll see you in the unemployment line with an unwashed bella and shoeless marty.

and, by the way, when my parents came over for dinner last night and bella went running to the door with flailing arms and indecipherable greetings, i knew my choice was the right one, regardless of today's outcome.

the downtown tower i work in is, thankfully, very regimented about their bathrooms and because of this they are consistently very clean and well supplied. to maintain this standard they send cleaning guys around three to four times a day. i often pass by them while attending to my own three to four times a day duties and am always intrigued by the mechanical process in which they perform this task.

their methods are precise and systematic. if you remove the chore at hand one may call it some modern form of interpretive dance. that is until the shockingly jolly fellow walks along the galley of toilets and begins his repetitive review. he slaps the first door open, peers in, checks the toilet paper, wipes the seat, all good. he slaps the second door open, peers in, checks the toilet paper, wipes the seat, all good. he slaps the third door open, peers in and stumbles backward shielding the lower part of his face with his forearm and exclaims "oh, for the love of christ!"

so much for high art.

i'm off yet again to the city that turned this 30-something into a fish eater. yep, portland, the oregon variety, not that maine rip-off. and since it's the skiing off-season, i reckon i should get a reasonable amount of work in this time, but there's always powell's bookstore to keep a working stiff sane.

so, updates will be spotty, at best, the rest of the week. i'll see if i can throw you a bone, a skinny salmon bone, at the least before my return.

talk soon.

headed to portland for the rest of the week.

while it is a work trip, i'm certain to spend a fair amount of time here.

this landed in my inbox the other day. it's safe to say that i haven't felt more intrigued by an event for many events.

i'm headed to portland for a little work and a whole lot of boondoggling. you can be certain that you will be hearing and seeing the humor before long. more than anything, i just wanted to forewarn you that updates will be a little spotty at best for the next several days. had i planned better i would have turned the update duties over to one of my esteemed readers. ok, so we all know that i absolutely would have turned over the reigns had i two esteemed readers to rub together. will you look at that, another potential entry is born.

and for any wondering if i've packed yet, know that i've packed my recently delivered issue of Large and in Charge and i'm quite honestly thinking anything else i may remember to bring would be gravy.