this recent post by dan martin stands as one of my favorite-ever facebook posts. granted, i've only ever read seventeen facebook post. still, it's one of the best i've seen. beautiful and thoughtful work dan. kudos.
this is the note i sent to my boss first thing monday morning:
i forgot to get a commitment i have on the calendar and wanted to give you a heads up that i will be out tomorrow.
i am attending a shakespeare performance at a womens' prison in northern missouri.
he didn't believe me.
anyone reading this site, knows i'm not nearly creative enough to make that up. he obviously has a higher opinion of me.
and speaking of creativity, before even getting on the bus to drive to the prison, i was preparing a few troy-esque quips to describe the experience. now that i've signed the book, emptied my pockets, walked through the checkpoints and took my seat in the windowless, cinder-blocked room, those witticisms seem neither appropriate nor humorous. especially since i shed more tears during the spoken word readings than i did in all of 2005.
i thank darkman for affording me this unique experience. i also commend darkman for being the first person i've ever seen use a cellphone without loud-talking into the receiver. i didn't think it was possible, for real i didn't.
bella obtained some new underwear that has a different day of the week printed on the front of each pair. a few of the days are missing which makes me afraid to ask where the pantaloons came from. my spidey-sense is whispering bad words in my ear. like words that begin with 'good' and end in 'will' or begin with 'salvation' and end in 'army'. don't get me wrong, 90% of my wardrobe has come from vintage stores or darkman's closet, but 100% of what i like to call my 'intimate line' came straight from the super-mall (or mail order). because there's no real reason to maintain the secret that used boxers are to troy dearmitt what punctured scrotums are to george constanza. for sanity's sake we're going to chalk bella's 5-day week skivvies up to lame packaging, dear lawd please let it be lame packaging and if it ain't please let me remain an ignorant old fool.
anyways, i've been looking for the adult, male version of these decision-free briefs. wondering how the adult, male model differs from the tiny, girl model? instead of the days of the week, they have, in block print across the front, the weeks of the month, as in week one, week two, and so on. sadly, this item seems to be quite in demand because every store i contact says they don't have anything like that in stock.
as for the quiet week, my dsl went out to lunch a few days ago. i'm making this post via the back porch of some out-of-town neighbors who left their wireless router on. truth told, i only started out on their back porch. i've since found a way into their home and am now sitting indian style on their king size bed, with my shoes on. and, yes, i did see if he had the cool weeks-of-the-month boxers. he doesn't. nor does his wife.
and by changed i mean in ways other than the usual. i'm not referring to weighing a fraction more or my skin having a touch less elasticity or even being 24 hours closer to existing underground. the change i'm talking about is far more significant. you see, darkman and i are going to the pulitzer prize photography exhibit this evening and i have a haunting suspicion the walls of my brain are going to get stamped more in a two-hour block than chris mcgrath's passport did in all of two thousand and one.
predictably, i'm hearing not many of these stamps have those circular smiley faces on them.
i've recently noticed a trend with me and weddings; i'm either sitting at the head table delivering a speech or i'm at the table furthest from the main table. you know, the one that backs up into the bathrooms.
i wasn't the first on the block to get tivo. i was the second. the first was darkman. darkman is the first to try a lot of things. darkman is like the older brother some of us didn't have. and when he's not that, he's the older brother some of us wish we had.
the number one question most have asked about darkman; why's he called darkman? as with many nicknames, the story is not half as sexy as the moniker itself. we must go back many movie releases to the opening night of a modest film i like to call spawn. it is here i first met the as-yet-un-nick-named fella. after the film, he commented on how that was the worst (or maybe he said best) movie he'd seen since darkman. little did he know that this simple comment would forever brand him darkman, to at least one person walking around that is.
in the early days of knowing him it was not uncommon to catch me saying "yeah, call up that guy, you know, that one guy, darkman." and, there were other times i'd call his home where his wife would answer and it would occur to me that i didn't even know his real name. by the fifth time i could no longer discern her mumblings. she'd just say "one second", set the phone on the counter and call out 'that guy who calls you darkman is on the phone.' i guess she didn't know my name either.
once darkman informed me that he didn't like being called darkman.
me: and ...
dm: and, so i want you to stop calling me that.
me: i'm sorry but that's not how it works.
dm: look i'm telling you i don't like it and i want you to stop!
me: in young guns do you think chavez got to pick chavez as his nickname or did they just call him chavez?
dm: but HIS name WAS chavez!
me: and, therein rests my point.
we all know you can't defend a young guns offensive. it's just not done.
the next nickname dissertation will dissect my accountant-looking, human resources manager friend dubbed snake.
have you seen the trailers for the new film drumline? have you wondered who on earth they made it for? let me help you out on that because they made this film for me, specifically for me. oh my gawd am i bristling to see this. i know some of you (darkman) think i just go for those arty, non-english, low-rent movies. not so, entirely. i rented bring it on, twice. ok. so it was three times. and, once i got a late fee because i couldn't bring myself to return it as agreed. so can you imagine bring it on with cool-ass band drums instead of bounding attitude ridden, haughty girls. i know, i know, too good to be true.
so, anyone who wants to attend opening night with me, i'm planning on getting in line at 6am as to ensure a seat.
so i've been getting dinged quite heavily about the new job and i'm sorry i haven't followed up with, well any of you, but as i alluded earlier, time is a little lean at the moment. in short, the new job is quite awesome. it takes me 10 minutes to get there and 8 to get home. i think the time difference has something to do with the number of left versus right turns in each direction. given that it is so close, i've been coming home for lunch each day. i think i've already lost weight and i certainly have more money in my pocket than i'm accustomed to at this late date in the month.
the people in the office seem talented and loaded with personality, although i haven't gotten to delve too deep into any of them just yet. yesterday, i was talking to darkman on the phone when a guy came by my desk who built my new computer and i told him thanks and how he did a beautiful job and that i was aroused, physically aroused, to finally have a working machine. darkman asked if i knew this guy previously or just met him. oh darkman, i have so much to teach you about making a first and lasting impression, especially with the IT guys who support you.
but, in that vein, i do, surprisingly, know quite a few people at this location, which is an add. and since it's the same company, i know much of the routine, which also helps. they've initially been leaving me quite open to explore their environment and get acclimated to the needs, which is a phenomenally nice courtesy. last weekend, i actually caught myself on a few different occasions anxious for monday to arrive so i could return to a couple of things i was working on. while i'm a firm believer that a job is primarily something that interrupts an otherwise personal life, it's a very nice situation to have that interruption be challenging and meaningful.
have a good weekend, i'll be sitting here waiting for the next workday to roll around.
THE PLAN
07:00-07:30 eat breakfast
07:30-08:00 install compost bin and mulch surrounding ground
08:00-11:30 install upstairs quarter round
11:30-12:00 pick up house and shower
12:00-01:30 go to darkman's 30th birthday party
01:30-03:30 tennis with e-love
03:30-04:00 shower and snack
04:00-07:00 hang out with bella, marty & peggy (returned from chicago)
07:00-09:00 go to a ron jeremy lecture w/ man who screams like woman (MWSLW)
09:00-11:00 watch the ron jeremy documentary P*rn Star
11:30-11:31 fall asleep
THE DAY
08:00-08:15 wake up an hour and fifteen minutes late
08:15-08:20 eat granola bar & drink thai coffee (#1)
08:20-09:00 install compost bin and mulch surrounding area
09:00-09:50 install upstairs quarter round
09:50-09:51 brake a pane of glass from a french door on my lap
09:51-09:52 step on drill bit with bare foot while backing away from broken glass
09:52-09:55 turn vacuum on so i can scream and cuss very, very audibly
09:55-10:15 clean up glass and apply band-aids to legs and feet
10:15-12:00 finish installing upstairs quarter round
12:00-12:45 pick up house and shower. oh yeah, and thai coffee (#2)
12:45-01:35 go to darkman's party
01:35-01:40 kindly request that conner the chimp be removed from my lap so i can depart
01:40-04:00 tennis with e-love
04:00-05:00 hang out with bella, marty and peggy until they leave for some family thing
05:00-06:00 sleep. thank god for sleep.
06:00-06:03 read sign stating the ron jeremy appearance has been canceled.
06:04-06:20 resist pummeling the ticket whelp who hung the evil sign.
06:20-06:30 win debate with MWSLW regarding best possible question to ask the hedgehog
06:30-08:00 eat at lemon grass - have thai coffee (#3)
08:00-09:00 go to ted drewes for custard - suck-up to marty via an oreo concrete
09:00-11:00 geek with MWSLW
11:00-11:45 repeatedly listen to the freshly downloaded beasty boys? song GIRLS
11:45-12:00 lay in bed unable to sleep, thinking how good a thai coffee (#4) would be
first, a retraction
i'm just going to come up for air long enough to tell you that i may have spoke to impetuously the other day (11.06.01). as life surely emulates, i tried to fight the good fight in reference to sticking to my tried and true mac os, but only lasted two days before leaving the reliable and steady woman (os 9.2) for that young and lithe hellion (os 10.1). she kept whispering in my ear, telling me of the exotic life we could share. shut up, i would say, audibly might i add, but in the end i found myself gazing into her eyes. her dazzling, binder-blue and feature filled eyes until i did not have the internal wherewithal to fend her advances any longer. sorry 9.2, marry another, my heart has been stilled by this young and fresh damsel i have named desiree.
second, another retraction
multiple people have requested that i raise the allowable entries in the everyman contest from one to more. i initially had it set to three but changed it right before i published because in the event only one person entered the contest, it didn't seem fair to pay them all the jack (for one entry), even though i said i would. bookguy suggested that i raise the number of entries one can make, but say that each person is only eligible to win one award. couple that with my newfound confidence that i should receive at least three separate contestants, i'm ok with raising the number of potential entries. so i'm returning it to three photos per entrant. please feel free to dig deeper and better your chances of selection.
lastly, yet another retraction
while i may not be a photoshop guru, i have used it enough to spot an obvious fabrication. such was the case with the first photo entry received in this years contest. granted a strong clue was left in that i've been in the house where this photo was taken and am pretty sure don knotts has not holiday'd there. while i do not want to stifle any creative ambitions here, blatantly doctored photos may not be the strongest of candidates ... i hope.
have you seen the trailers for the new film