have you ever felt dirty? unchaste? impure? yeah, me neither but recently i've been struggling through a certain predicament. you see, bella likes to watch sesame street. she also likes someone to watch with her. oftentimes that someone is me and i'm always happy to oblige in this basic request.

bella likes gina the veterinarian. she is nice and helps people/animals. daddy likes gina the veterinarian a lot too. she is nice and does all sorts of kind acts. and did i mention she is crazy, smokin' hot. having sensual thoughts about a beautiful woman intermingled with elaborately detailed talking and dancing sock puppets hasn't done my psyche or intimate life any kinds of favors.

think i'm joking? you try having your more libidinous thoughts interrupted by a two-foot tickle me elmo doll informing you that tying your own shoes makes you a big boy, a very big boy.

last thursday after first getting up and passing bella in the hall she stopped and held her hand up to me as if a cop instructing traffic to halt and said the following in a doctor-serious voice. she then turned and headed towards the tv room. the body of the teddy bear she had in a serious headlock bobbing behind her. if i could express a thought in the office using half her conviction and firmness, i might actually make something happen. which i think may have worked out had i not been watching the prescribed episodes of big bird and company all morning.

bayless
when you interrogate him i'd like to sit in.

pembleton
then what you will be privileged to witness will not be an interrogation but an act of salesmanship as silver-tongued and thieving as ever moved used cars, floated swampland or bibles. for what i am selling is a long prison term and to a client who has no genuine use for the product.

frank pembleton (andre braugher) from pilot episode (gone for goode) of homicide: life on the street.

i could tell you but you wouldn't believe me. i could draft a check out right in front of you and you'd swear it would bounce. i could count the hundred dollar bills out and place them in your wallet and you'd simply remove one, sniff it and snap it with your index finger, certain i printed them in my basement. what i'm saying is i could tell you the amount of money i'm willing to pay the individual who tivo'd or taped the recently aired Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Three's Company' but you simply wouldn't believe me.

marty and i sat down while it was in its last hour and each secretly chortled at the other for watching it but by the end we were feverish to know what happened in the initial two hours. this would be the two hours that set the stage for the tumultuous and riveting finale.

we must see this.

me and my checkbook will be waiting for your call.

one of the few shows walt and i watch together is nypd blue. during the sabbatical we watched an episode where one of the main cop guys (clark) was dating this smoking hot doctor woman he met in a previous episode. on one of their first dates they got into this row about how she has treated droves of fellas who were abused by the esteemed men in blue. he obviously took the opposing view saying tha...

it started with a search for this and culminated in a search to this.

i'm sure that i don't need to launch into a dissertation at the number of things wrong in the world when one of the better shows on television not only gets cancelled after a single season but can't be released to the public when the content offered on the latter link is, on dvd nonetheless.

but, as the saying goes, if you can't beat 'em, join em. and i'll assume that revealing my discovery of this unique video explains why i haven't been posting a whole lot as of late.

marty while watching the bachlorette.

so did you hear there's going to be yet another reality tv show next season. this one's a real life beverly hillbillies deal. the story goes that cbs is going to take applications from 'lower middle class' families and will then let the anointed ones live in some mansion in beverly hills for one year, documenting their and others acclimation to the process. while one might think that this is bordering on pissing the cruelty to animals faction off, cbs assures subscribers that's not where they're headed with it.

"CBS vice president of alternative programming Ghen Maynard said the series will have a humorous tone, though with a respect for the family..."

oh to be sitting in the room when this one was pitched. i'm sure all the execs were thinking the same thing: six slow and simple virginia hillbillies in the most judgmental and ill-suited locale possible. this just screams exercise in respect if i've ever seen it.

you know the reality show i want to see? i want to see the show that takes cbs vice president, ghen maynard out of his corporate tower, strips him of all his assets and clout, and then kicks him out the back of a van in backwoods alabama naked and with the word 'pedophile' written on his chest with an indelible marker. cameras would stealthily follow his progress and take in all the wacky hi-jinks and madcap hilarity sure to ensue. now that would be funny. very funny, yet respectful.

for those sending money and thoughts in the name of the tv-cart family (08.07.02), here's a follow-up. not tell me about the particulars of his marriage? perhaps not in an email and maybe not even today but unless he intends on severing all personal ties to me and never looking me in the eye again, this is a story that will be told.

we keep our microwave in the basement. have for years. and the years before that, we didn't have one. when company is over and they want to heat up their coffee or warm a plate of food, we take their morsel, disappear into the basement and return with a piping hot rendition of said item. you might think we would have to explain this a lot, but most of the people we hang out with surpass this paltry idiosyncrasy tenfold and don't think anything of it: "oh the nuke-box is in the basement, sure, where else would it be?"

allow me to proffer the following as evidence. some couple friends of ours tv lives on one of those black, wheeled audio visual carts in the garage ... a disconnected garage in at a home located in the country. as a rule they don't watch tv. as a helper to this rule, that can't keep the tube in the house, lest they may break this mandate. but when company stays with them, in comes the cart with the shiny picture box. here is where you get to envision my grown and portly friend pushing an a.v. cart across a grassy and bumpy backyard into the home so said visitors don't think them foolish or a tad on the eccentric side.

a situational side-effect of this routine comes from the effort required to return the cart to it's spiderwebby home all the way on the other side of the lawn. in getting it in, there is incentive, company and all. in getting it out all there is effort, and work and a hundred pound pain in the ass on wheels. given this, sometimes the tv cart out-endures the company. this is bad. this is very bad. because as you can imagine, there's a good reason the cart lives next to the family automobile.

i received the following email in regard to a sign left by my friend's wife, taped to the tv during its latest tour in their home: given my friends unwillingness to even check the actual writing on the sign for the above email, i'm thinking they will be watching the next super bowl wherever the tv now rests.

been away again. this time i was off auditioning for the part of tubbs on the soon to be produced miami vice feature length film.

i forgot to mention that, at the betty ford clinic, they have 'the cable'.

my buddy snake was telling me about this wager that recently took place between some friends of ours. the bet was that this guy, nate, could not remain awake for 8 hours of really bad tv and then answer a series of questions about the episodes. the guy coordinating the effort, nick, setup the following lineup for nate to watch (note: shows had to be readily available for taping which explains their somewhat pedestrian nature).

1/2 hour friends
1/2 hour frazier
1 hour sabrina the teenage witch
2 hours family matters
1 hour boy meets world
3 hours full house

if i may commentate for a moment. i like the early technique of starting with the respectable shows as to make the ones down the line seem more abhorrent. that was strong. the hour of sabrina is a neutral selection though. i've only seen snippets of the show and know there's some talking animal that's pretty surreal but if i recall there's some youngish, cutish girls in there. rookie move given the male contestant. the two hours of family matters serves as a sound recovery though but any ground gained here was lost in the boy meets world selection in that the topenga character has a haunting, yet compelling, physical presence and would stir mental endurance if even only to ponder her peculiarity. but, again, nick returns as strong as one could with the epic atrocity that is full house. no one can question this move and certainly many would have been tempted to lead, assault and even end with this show alone but i like the staggered and diversified approach. that's the definite sign of an artisan who treats his craft seriously.

as it turns out nate fell asleep during the boy meets world leg of the challenge. this obviously surprised me. and with three hours of full house ahead of him, that poor bastard didn't stand a chance. but, given he didn't have to watch the full house block and nick did to tape it, it's hard to say who really walked away the victor here. i'd be lackluster on it.

you don't know pain until you know an addiction to the WB's Seventh Heaven.

best game in town: 24

most surprising new effort: the bernie mac show

tv guy i'd most like to hang out with: eddie from grounded for life

tv girl i'd most like to hang out with: sally from 3rd rock from the sun

most insulting use of my time: that 80's show

the show i'd watch if i had cable: trading spaces

surprised it's still around, and good: simpsons & x-files (tie)

the show i wish was still around: it's your move

tivo's latest recommendation of what i'm not watching that i should be...Moesha. and as if that wasn't offensive enough, my little friend also nabbed the latest rendition of Sister, Sister for good measure.

if one were suspect, one may get the impression that this thing's out to run me off a cliff.

and, in doing the sister sister search, google returned this page as well as this one and, just in case you had a week to burn on random links, they also supplied this one.

i have oftentimes claimed to be un-offendable. i must slightly modify that statement to say that humans cannot offend me, but my tivo on the other hand can. you see the tivo has this feature that bird-dogs the tv schedule and on occasion will automatically record shows it thinks you may enjoy given your regular viewing patterns. the other day i found, in this list, an episode of Change of Heart. Now, if you are not familiar with this meager late night atrocity don?t expect me to explain. and, might i suggest that if someone makes attempt to acquaint you with it, run like hell.

truth be told, i also recently spied an episode of Judge Mathis in there.

Anyone want a tivo?

it has recently occurred to me that i was much happier when we didn't have a tv. i do not have the strength to turn it off or throw it out. this is a cry for help. will someone please come to my home and break or abscond with this digital time whore once and for all.

Below you will find the girls from my childhood tv days I thought about most listed in their order of lustability. Well, not exactly lust, in that this does not speak to the psychological or special bond any of these ladies and myself would have shared if only given the opportunity. I understood them in a way those fools they were forced to interact with could not. But, in each of these cases, the distance would prove too great, since I couldn't drive, and as we all know, long distance relationship are just hard.

1. Allison from Double Trouble
2. Samantha from Gimme a Break
3. Mallory from Family ties
4. Samantha from Who's the Boss
5. Denise from The Cosby Show

I think Walt and I have a legitimate three months without tv under our belt. But, all missives and declarations must come to a close and so has this come to pass. This holiday weekend, we replaced our faltering picture box with a shiny new one. I lugged all 27 inches of its glory up the stairs and it is now resting comfortably atop its perch in the near-forgotten tv room. So I guess I can kiss my house, web and personal production goodbye as I again immerse myself in my tivo's offerings. The first thing I watched after setting it up; Saturday morning's X-Men evolution. I question how I ever got by without this valuable information in the last quarter.

The fallen television has been completely gutted and its shell returned upstairs to serve as a technologically advanced puppet house for bella. And, from my quick perusal of the tv listings, these productions will easily best ABC's entire proposed lineup. But, in their defense, it's not easy to suck that much that long.

We just turned the three-week mark without television. The other night we partook in a dickens' like evening instead of sitting Indian style on the futon living vicariously through chandler, joey, will, Benton and carter. We made a fire, had some guests over, read the times, drank thai-iced coffees, played with bella, I finished one book and started another, tended to my house plants and marty was in bed by 8:30. We, she and all concerned were in digital-free bliss.

Sonny Crocket of Miami Vice (first-ever line of the series)

I may have spoke to soon on the tv boycott. A friend filled me in on buffy's last show of the year. I guess after the WB lost the show to UPN they decided to make the season finale a series finale by killing off buffy. Ahhhh! What kind of resurrection spell is willow going to have to craft to raise miss buffy from the grave? Good luck UPN writers.

Our tele gave out the other night. While we have sound there is just one line of pixels painting across the center of the screen. After a brief discussion, walt and I decided to try life sans television for awhile and see what came of it. This agreement was partially based on the very lackluster season finales of Friends and Will and Grace, the last shows to occupy our screen.

In attempt to wean ourselves off the teat of sitcom-mania we've tried just listening to shows. This experiment has only proven moderately successful. While some shows lend themselves to this design (news or talk), action shows (i.e. buffy, x-files) do not transfer with the same efficacy. We'll see. If we do opt to pony up for some new digital digs, I personally want to be the first person on the planet to own a phillips flatscreen plasma television and tivo running off of rabbit ears.