| FAMILY, LIFE |
2011-04-28 |
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yesterday was the last day of my class. this was the third year i taught this particular course. someone recently asked me what my favorite part of teaching was. after a moment's pause, i said my favorite part of teaching was not teaching.
to elaborate, i really, really, really like teaching but it is an all-consuming and way-taxing and ever-relentless duty and the minute that duty ends, wether for the day or the semester, and you don't have to prepare for class in a week or a month, the air around you just feels lighter and the minutes more relaxing. so saying the best part of teaching is not teaching is just an awkward way of saying teaching makes you appreciate your time in a way you otherwise wouldn't if you didn't know the pressure of preparing, performing, and assessing a semester or year long class curriculum.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2011-04-27 |
 i was once at a dinner with friends and the topic of earliest memories came up. some people, like my wife, had crazy early memories going back as far as pre-school. my first memories started way later than most the pack, solidly picking up in mid-elementary. every now and then i'd get a glimpse of something hazy but after further contemplation the flash was just as likely to be a scene from an old...
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2011-04-19 |
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anthony's go-to insult when he's mad is to, before turning and stomping away, yelling:
you're a stupid penis.
or the more granularly/glandularly specific
you're a stupid penis-head.
pretty sure he picked that up from the older siblings. i'm also pretty sure he's dropped the penis-bomb at school. such realizations make one worry for their child and how much you're reaching them or how they compare to other kids their age. and just when you might start losing hope in your progress, he'll turn around and with a cocked eyebrow ask:
dad, where is the future at?
or the nice twisty one anthony asked marty while her mother was visiting the house:
wait, since both of you are adults, how could grandma be your mom?
what makes that one surprisingly hard to explain is that anthony thinks there are four kinds of people in the world: beebies, little boys, kids, and old people. when you lump everyone fifteen and older into one category, such distinctions get quite blurry.
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| LIFE, WEB |
2010-01-28 |
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when my boss interviews technology people, there is a question he likes to ask towards the end of an interview. if the conversation is going well and he's liking the candidate, he will ask them, "what is the most fun you've ever had with a computer?" then after a pregnant pause and gauging their initial reaction to the question, he adds, "that you can talk about in a job interview."
one of my personal hobbies is collecting thoughtful thoughts. i don't care what the focus or the nature of the thought is, only that it was born out of thoughtfulness. this interview question is one of my collection favorites.
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| LIFE |
2009-10-23 |
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marty expressed to her older sister that she was surprised to already be fielding puberty-related questions from bella. marty thought she had a few more years of girlish innocence in her oldest child. to this, marty's sister said her own daughter, at thirteen, had bigger breasts than she, the mother, did so girlish innocence becomes girlish curiosity real quick.
the mom went onto share a detail from when her husband gave the talk to their son when he was around eleven. after explaining the hows, the whats and the whys of it all the boy sat there stupefied at this new intelligence. after a few moments of silence he turned to his dad and mustered the eyes-down courage to ask a single question, "so, just how long do you have to do that for?"
when marty recounted this to some girlfriends, she laughingly added that the only right answer is, at least four minutes. i told marty if she keeps bragging about my sexual prowess to the neighborhood ladies, one of them might swoop in and steal me away. through her belly-laughing marty was able to tell me she's willing to take her chances on that one.
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| LIFE |
2009-09-18 |
there is a question i've been meaning to ask the saint louis crowd for awhile now and after my trip back west, the question has turned to a fiery itch. the question is where can i get a proper sopapilla in this town. the sopapillas of colorado and new mexico are billowy and fluffy and served with honey. the sopapillas of missouri are flat and oil-laden and served with a dollop of ice cream and a layer of chocolate syrup (in attempt to mask their abject terribleness).
the first person who points me to an edible saint louis sopapilla gets a free lunch at that same establishment, paid for by me. a plus side is you'll get to eat lunch with me because once i discover this place, i'm never leaving.
good and proper sopapilla
poor and miserable imposter
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| LIFE |
2009-06-02 |
 i'm not very good at nor do i enjoy small talk. for this reason before i head into a situation where small talk looks likely i come equipped with a conversation starter. something canned and appropriate for the group. last week we went camping with seven other families. this has become something of an annual tradition and for the most part, this is the only time i see these folks each year. there ...
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| LIFE |
2009-04-10 |
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you're in a room with two doors. if you walk through one, you'll die. if you walk through the other, you'll live. there's a man in front of each. one of them always lies. one of them always tells the truth.
you can ask one question.
what question can you ask to figure out which is the safe door to walk through?
i.e. what color is your shirt would work to figure out which one is honest if you could ask two questions. but since you can only ask one, you need a question that is more encompassing/revealing.
and, don't bother asking me for the answer. i don't know the answer. this morsel dances into my head for a few minutes every few months to tantalize the workers in my brain. while it's there they all lean on their shovels and push back from their desks and look at the show until they get headaches. then they resume the ditch-digging and paperwork causing it to leave the room. now i pass it on so your brain's workers can be occasionally distracted (and annoyed) too. no need to thank me. i can see it in your eyes.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2009-03-11 |
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bella told marty that a boy in her class said she (bella) was hot. marty asked bella what she thought that meant. bella thought for a moment before saying she thought it meant he liked the way she looked. marty agreed that that was probably what it meant but the problem is that it didn't take into account her spirit and there are lots of folks who look good, great even, that lie and cheat and are mean to those around them so how they look is irrelevant and what matters is how beautiful their spirit is.
bella came home from school the next day and reported that the boy liked her spirit too.
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| LIFE, FAMILY, TECHNOLOGY |
2008-09-16 |
a friend of mine who teaches second grade in colorado sent out an email a few weeks back sharing some results of a test she gives her incoming kids. this particular test evaluates the students giving insight to what kind of year she has ahead of her. i thought about giving the test to bella but the other night at the dinner table she used the word 'tavern' in a story after which i asked her if she just used the word 'tavern' to which she said yes. i then asked her if she knew what a tavern was and she exasperatedly said that of course she knew what a 'tavern' was ... father. i'm not looking for any more reasons to document how bella is going to be far smarter than me before she's driving a car, so no unnecessary testing for her.
this question/answer bit also reminded me of how much i adored (and now miss) the old candid camera interviews allen funt used to do with elementary kids. truly wonderful.
note: (my friend's comments are in the parens)
Question: Don't cry over____________________.
Hoping for: "spilled milk"
Instead, some of the responses:
- who gets to go first
- the rodeo
- "hoo took the last cookee" (the spelling made it funnier to me)
Question: Keep your____________________.
Hoping for: "fingers crossed"
Instead, some of the responses:
- hands to yourself (most common)
- shirt tucked in
- hair neat
- backpack zipped
Question: Two heads____________________.
Hoping for: "are better than one"
Instead, some of the responses:
- over one head
- make two
- bumping
- are funny
- looks weird
- is a double
- better seeing
Question: Eaten out of____________________.
Hoping for: "house and home"
Instead, some of the responses:
- eggs
- the wrong plate
- a bowl
- a bag
Question: Better late than____________________.
Hoping for: "never"
Instead, some of the responses:
- ham (???)
- than early
- than sorry
- for the train
- "I always say"
- nothing
Question: You can't teach____________________.
Hoping for: "an old dog new tricks"
Instead, some of the responses:
- a chicken
- someone how to eat
- a teacher when they're teaching you (deep)
- fish
- a wild bull
- yourself
- "divizzinn" (division)
Question: Where there's a will____________________.
Hoping for: "there's a way"
Instead, some of the responses:
- there's a will not (my favorite)
- there's a pill (hmmm?)
- there's hope
- there is happiness
- there's a try
Question: Don't judge____________________.
Hoping for: "a book by its cover"
Instead, some of the responses:
- fair people
- talent
- a judge
Question: Easier____________________.
Hoping for: "said than done"
Instead, some of the responses:
- than pie
- is good
- than harder
- than going to bed
- to play
- the better
- is easier than hard
Question: Turn over____________________.
Hoping for: "a new leaf"
Instead, some of the responses:
- and roll
- and wake up
- the pancake
- papers
- on your side
- and turn around
- your life
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, LIFE |
2008-08-27 |
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for our last movie night we watched a film about a family who found a stray dog and kept it. some weeks later the dog had six puppies. the father who was in marketing and worked a lot of hours insisted that the children give the puppies away in that they didn't have time or money to care for so many dogs. the family protested but he stood his ground and the dogs were given away. through the tumult of these events the man came to be fired from his job because he botched an account.
after this happened i paused the movie and asked the kids what they thought the man would do. the kids turned the question to me asking what i thought the man would do. i said i thought he would open his own company and win the account back showing his previous employer that they shouldn't have fired him. bella then said that she thought he would get all the puppies back, train them up and then have a carnival of dogs that would make him richer than he was before.
bella's outcome was so exponentially better than mine. and, i wish the filmmakers had thought of it as well because the story would have been more entertaining to watch had the story taken bella's counsel.
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| LIFE, SOCIETY |
2008-08-26 |
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the question: what does bella call a woman who wears makeup?
the answer: a decorated lady.
the example : yes, that's the same kind of dog that decorated lady in the neighborhood has.
makeup has an odd existence in our home. marty wears it once or twice a year and each time she does i recoil at the sight. upon seeing me cringe she immediately launches into a defense of her battle-paint saying if i realized how little make-up she was actually wearing i'd feel stupid for making such a fuss and if she really went to town with it and did what other women did i'd faint from the end-product. to this tirade i always say the same thing; "so, does all that mean you're not going to wash it off?" to which she always adds "no and if you make another snide comment i'm actually going to put more on."
i have marty's three older brothers to thank for how little she really wears it because the first few times she ever tried using make-up her brothers harangued her relentlessly asking her if she got those black eyes at school and who beat her up and if she was going to be a raccoon or batman's sidekick robin for halloween.
given all this you can imagine how elated i am that bella already finds such matters mockable and i just hope she continues finding it so because she doesn't have three older brothers to help me with that life-lesson.
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| FAMILY, LIFE, WEB |
2008-05-16 |
a former colleague and his wife emailed me asking for guidance/direction/opinions about his wife quitting her job and becoming a stay at home mom. within five seconds of getting the message i fired it marty's way because i obviously don't know the first thing about it and she is, well, a bit of an expert on the topic. she cc'd me on her response and i found it meaty, insightful and honest enough to share for any others who may be thinking about or struggling with the choice ...
C and K,
I'm impressed that you are reaching out to people and asking questions about potentially switching careers. I didn't have that much foresight when I made my decision to stay at home.
I taught full time for 7 years before I had Bella. Then I worked part time for 2 years before I had Alexander. I decided to stay at home because I couldn't imagine managing 2 kids, 1 husband, and 40 students. And once I paid for care for both kids out of my pay I would have made $300 minus taxes. Troy explained that he could create one website in 2 months and make up what I would end up actually bringing home for the year. And I was worn out from the stress of finding alternative care if Bella was sick, scheduling the kids' doctor appointments, and finding time to do my school work--correcting papers, researching info, preparing new labs...
So after leaving the hospital with Alexander I instantly became a full time stay at home mom. And below is what I have learned...
My stress level decreased instantly. It was amazing not to have a rigid schedule to follow. When I was working I felt that spent my days rushing to get where I needed to go. Rush to get to the sitter on time, rush to get to school and prepare for my classes, rush out of school to get back to the sitters, rush home to start dinner. Having to wear one less "hat" relieved some stress.
The day is organized by your child's schedule. Staying at home isn't about doing what you want, it's about your child's needs. It's about getting home to lay down for morning and/or afternoon naps, it's about eating when hunger strikes, it's about holding them when they are sick, it's about stopping and watching each ant/roly poly/snail/slug/bird that crosses their path.
I had to treat staying at home like a job the first two years. Like any job the first year is the most difficult and has the most extreme learning curve. I tried to schedule one event a day but was always flexible and realistic that it might not happen. I became involved in my district's Parent as Teachers program, attended weekly storytimes at the public library and area bookstores, went to play at neighborhood parks, joined the local swim pool, discovered that Missouri Botanical Garden, Butterfly House, Magic House all have times in the week or month that admission is free. I chose not to pay for programs until my kids were between 4-5 years old, but I know many parents who did gymboree play groups, gymnastics, and music groups like Kindermusik.
I encourage you to use every means possible to build a group of friends who are at home with children that are approximately the same age(s) as yours. I found a great network of moms through my Parents as Teachers playgroups and the storytimes at my library. The women that I met when Alexander was a baby are still my support group 5 years later. We still get together every Tuesday for playgroup at the park in the summer and at different people's houses in the winter.
Many women find that their self-esteem and self-identity are tied partially or wholy to their career. I think that this is what causes women to want to return to work. I think that the best response to this that I heard was, "I am more than a stay at home mom", followed by "I am more than my minivan".
Your children will not be thankful or grateful that you stay at home. Your spouse might be more thankful that you are at home, but not enough to affirm your choice on a daily or hourly basis. Research does NOT show that your children will be smarter, more responsible, more successful, or more self-confident if you stay at home.
It is important that your spouse is solely responsible for the children, house, and routines for a minimum of 4 days every 1-3 years. There are things that can not be explained but must be experienced. This helps him realize that your job is challenging! Troy feels that the 4-day duration is important, because "any man can sit on 2 kids for a weekend, but on day 3 you start to lose hope."
Don't take on all the house responsibilities/chores just because you are at home. This advice came from my older sister. I strongly feel that the reason you are at home is to be with your child/ren, not to do an extra load of laundry, or clean the bathroom, or pay the bills. You are there to be present to your children.
I have been at home for 5 years and I am thankful that Troy and I had the resources and the desire that I could stay at home. A few days seem to drag on endlessly, but the years have passed too quickly. I realize now that I will never get another opportunity to be so intimately involved in my children's lives as I do right now. I enjoy being there to see what excites them, to answer their questions, and to teach them to slide down the fireman's pole. Most importantly I am thankful that their lives are unhurried and peaceful.
I hope this helps. Good luck with this decision.
Marty Walter
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| FAMILY, LIFE, TECHNOLOGY |
2008-04-08 |
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here's a riddle. what is it that you walk into and crawl out of?
give up?
the answer is an orthopedic clinic. and i'll be visiting one today. i've had knee surgery before but never as extensive as what i'm in store for here (acl reconstruction & meniscus repair). people have been mostly kind in sparing me some of the more concrete details but in the last few months i've heard phrases like, "repurpose a portion of hamstring" and "only need to drill two holes". and, given that for two hours tomorrow parts of my body are going to be drilled through and repurposed, i think i'm going to take the rest of the week off.
unless i say funny things while drugged in which case i may make an appearance.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-11-30 |
 a peeve of marty's is when adults make condescending remarks to children about how easy their life is or how they've so got it made. these often take a sarcastic form like "oh, it's a hard life isnt it?" or "you never get anything you want, do you?".
after one of marty's huffs about it i asked her why she took issue so. she explained that she didn't agree with this widespread notion and c...
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-09-13 |
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marty took the kids on a play date a while back. when she came home she was morose. i asked what was wrong. she said she felt like she just walked off the set of 90210 and that all of her clothes were ugly, and out of style, and didn't fit her right and all these other moms not only managed to keep up with the latest trends but their clothes were also ironed and free of kool-aid and/or vomit stains. i studied marty momentarily, gauging if she was working towards a punch-line, because this is pretty unlike the girl i'm married to. there was no punch-line.
her observations about the moms at our kids' preschool are right though. they are stylish, not quite high-fashion but certainly trendily-appointed. think camouflage capris. they also somehow seem to always be freshly showered too. these are not the sorts of things the dearmitt-walter home can claim with any sort of daily regularity.
seeing my partner injured so, i jumped in as it seems men are wont to do. i said to her, 'marty, you're a parent. you know this. you accept this. they don't. they dress like teenage girls in a sophomoric attempt to transport themselves back to when they were the popular kid in school and lived at the mall because for them it is a way to escape the reality of their faltering adulthood."
my words did not hit the mark. later that day, marty called one of her three sisters. the sister said ... "marty, while you're looking at them wishing you looked nicer, they are probably looking at you wishing they had the self-esteem to not try so hard." yeah, i guess that's sorta ok advice. ok enough to mend marty's mood more than my own words at least. what do you say we call it a girl thing and leave it at that.
admittedly, after hearing the sisters take on things, i thought more about it. while we'll gladly take the self-esteem card, i don't know that it would work for everyone. for instance some of these grown, near-forty women wear thongs and frilly bras (i know this because so many of these items conspicuously peek out of their other teenager wear). the hottest piece of lingerie in our home is a 1987, threadbare, psychedelic furs concert tee marty sometimes wears to bed. unfortunately when she puts this wisp of a garment on she's not always attempting to ignite our relationship. i know this because when she looks at me looking at her in it, she sometimes sighs and says:
MARTY
don't even think it. i'm tired and i'm going to bed.
TROY
but you got THE shirt on.
MARTY
the only reason i got THE shirt on is because you forgot to wash whites again.
TROY
it could be fate talking to us.
MARTY
well, you or fate need to do a load of laundry before i'm taking any messages.
conversely, if she did ever come to bed in a bedazzled or satiny thong, we'd spend twenty minutes studying it, talking about how comfortable it was (or wasn't) and examining the physics of how it worked. marty would probably convince me to try it on and then we'd laugh hysterically at the outcome and i'd eventually do zany dances on the bed. after tiring of the sport i'd ask her to put the furs shirt on and she would and we'd return to our life in our home, which is quite a ways away from the 90210 zip code. and for us, gladly so.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-09-04 |
at a weeknight dinner last week bella informed the table that our family needed a password. when asked what this was she went on to say that it's a secret word only our family knows and would use if we, the parents, sent someone to pick one of the children up. like if bella was walking home from school and someone pulled up saying, "bella, your mother asked that i take you home today." bella would ask them what the password was. if they knew it she would go with them. if they didn't she would not. this led to a lengthy discussion about what to do if the person didn't know the password. i suggested if the person was in a car, the child should turn and walk in the opposite direction and go to the closest home of someone we knew and ask for help. bella then asked what to do if someone didn't ask anything but just grabbed her. marty said, very succinctly, that she gave bella and alex full permission to do whatever they could to get away. kick, claw, bite, scream, punch, gouge eyes, you name it you can do it. bella then thoughtfully ranked her skills saying she was a great pincher and could kick hard and yell "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER! THIS IS NOT MY FATHER!" louder than anyone else in the family. then she looked at alex and said "and alex is a great biter, especially with his zombie tooth." marty and i both turned our eyes to bella and said in unison "zombie tooth?" bella, getting her next bite of food together, said "yeah, his zombie tooth. that broken one in the front."
this would be his front-left tooth which bit the dust a few years back when bella, alex and i were leaving the pool. i mummy-wrapped a shivering alex in an adult sized beach towel and told him to follow me. when he took his first step, his feet got tangled in the towel and he fell forward. because his arms were pinned inside the towel given the snug wrap job i had done on him, the first thing to hit the pool-deck was his nose, the second was that unfortunate front tooth. when i picked him up he was a bloody mess and i didn't learn the extent of the damage until i delivered him to marty at home, still quite bloody. in the midst of her first aid she looked up and said "troy, his tooth is chipped." marty's a tooth-girl and was quite, well, pissed that i had wrecked her first-born son. she hot-lined the dentist and asked if there was anything we could do. while she was on the phone i was holding the still sobbing alex. she started relaying questions the doctor was asking. is it just the one tooth? is the gum-line bleeding? what color is the tooth?
MARTY
can you see a bloody-pulp?
TROY
a bloody what?
MARTY (to the phone)
did you say bloody pulp? yes. where?
TROY
marty, i think i'm going to puke.
MARTY
troy. look at the tooth. where it broke. are there blood and veins and stuff coming out of it?
TROY
oh my god, marty. tell them they're going to make me puke.
MARTY
just look at the damn tooth troy! is there a bloody pulp or not!?!?
there was no bloody-pulp on the tooth which kept my puke-free streak alive. seeing how upset marty was through the rest of the evening, the next morning on my way to work i stopped at the pool and found the missing tooth piece. i put it in my pocket where it lived all day at work. when i got home i told marty to hold out her hand and dropped the little shard into it. she called the doctor back and told them we had the tooth chip asking if they, or we, could glue it back on. they said they could but didn't recommend it saying the cement would age and it would break off at some point probably when the child was eating and he would then swallow it. by the time marty told me this news i said that was good because i forgot i put the tooth back in my shirt pocket and sent it through the washer. even though it wasn't of use, marty was non-plussed about my losing alex's tooth a second time.
marty can sometimes not see the bright side of a situation, like how her son now has a cool and jazzy weapon against would-be kidnappers; his razor-sharp and smart-looking zombie tooth. |
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-07-18 |
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some of the neighborhood ladies have been convening about a smooth-talking salesman that's been trolling our streets. since he works during the day, he mostly catches the stay-at-home moms. when he approaches one he quickly opens with some insightful and relevant compliment and then seamlessly rolls into a friendly course of banter. by the time he begins pitching his wares the ladies are engaged enough that they feel unable to snub or refuse him outright as if he were some perfect stranger trying to wrangle money from their home equity lines. in one of their sidewalk pow-wows about the topic one of the ladies suggested what they often suggest when uncertain of an answer to an everyday and possibly awkward situation, "we should ask marty. marty will know what to do." marty is the no-frills, cut-to-the-chase, nip-it-in-the-bud mom on the block.
an example. a few years back we were at a bbq at a neighbors house. there were about six families there and kids were running and screaming inside and out. a small group of parents were standing in the kitchen talking when a kid came running in from the backyard. the child's father stopped him and told him to go back outside because his feet were dirty and he was going to track mud on the floor. the five year old looked at him, turned and ran on, ignoring the instruction. the man looked back to the group passing a hand in the air towards the now gone child and said:
THE FATHER
what am supposed to do with that? the kid listens to nothing.
A MOTHER
at least he stopped when you addressed him. mine don't even do that.
THE HOSTESS (while mixing a salad)
you should ask marty. marty knows what to do.
THE FATHER (turning to marty who was quietly standing in the room)
so marty. what should i do?
MARTY
are you really asking me this?
THE FATHER
yes i am.
MARTY
you go get him, you sit his ass in a chair and you tell him he's on time out for five minutes for not listening.
THE FATHER
sit him on a chair huh? like he'd stay.
MARTY
you make him stay. you're a grown man john. are you telling me you can't hold a forty pound child on a chair for five minutes. i've held two down while making brownies and talking on the phone.
so you see. marty is viewed as a bit of a problem-solver in our neck of the woods. her advice might not always be in agreement with all folks, but the girl always has a position and in these hectic, break-neck days that seems to count for something. so when the neighborhood women were stymied by the pearly-toothed home security salesmen they came to marty. they explained the scenario and marty quietly listened. quietly that is until they got to the part of the episode where if the lady starts leaning towards the husband-card, the man quickly says "oh, if i'm talking to wrong person here, i can come back when the decision-maker of the home is in." when marty heard this she guffawed, like one of those great full-belly guffaws. when done she told the ladies that if he appeared on our stoop and made that implication she would say: "oh the man of the house? yeah, he's tied to tree in the backyard for sassin' me. you should go talk to him. he'd probably enjoy the company."
hearing marty so confidently regale the now-laughing ladies in front of our house gives me a sense of pride in being paired with a woman of such conviction. that said, when the laughter dies and the everyone is back in the homes, the strong words resonate in my head leaving a slight chill because of the bravado and confidence in which they were stated. it's almost as if this thing has already happened. or in the least could happen. at any rate, on days i don't update the site, you now may have an inkling as to why.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-03-21 |
during one of our bedtime story-tellings i shared with bella and alex how i once used an outhouse when i was a little kid and staying in a relative's hunting lodge. three days later bella told a table-full of dinner guests that her daddy pees in a bucket in the garage. i didn't hear this first hand because i was in the kitchen getting something for the meal. it was only later when one of the guest pulled me to the side and asked "do you really urinate in a pail in your garage?" the saddest part of this is i was a little uncertain how i should answer that question. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE |
2006-03-31 |
 at our dinner table, we don't pray, we do thankfuls. about thankfuls:
- thankfuls begin by saying 'i'm thankful for ...' where dot-dot-dot equals something you're happy about in your life.
- thankfuls don't happen at every dinner.
- bella, to date, has been the one to determine if thankfuls occur or not.
- bella also determines who goes first for an ev...
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| FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE, SPORT, TECHNOLOGY |
2005-09-20 |
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do you know how to tell if you are dehydrated? i didn't and expressed the concern to someone at a rest stop on last week's MS150 bike ride. the following series of questions ensued.
do you have a headache?
now that you asked that question i do.
does your body ache?
i've biked 97 miles in the last two days. yes my body aches.
do you have stomach cramps?
because you aren't familiar with my diet, i'll forgive the fact that you don't already know my stomach is in a perpetual state of turmoil. it is what makes me so empathetic towards menstruating women.
when was the last time you urinated?
two and a half days ago.
the only question i had for her was why she didn't ask the fourth question first given it's apparent slam-dunk nature, you know, a diagnostic money shot of sorts.
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE |
2005-09-16 |
i used to work with a Jehovah's Witness. during this period i was reading the bible on my palm pilot while riding the metro to work. every now and again he would ask what most recently happened so i would tell him and he would try to guess the chapter and verse. for any ex-sunday-school stars this may sound like a no brainer but there is a catch and that catch is my descriptions came in troy-speak and troy-speak sounded something like this:
yeah, so this guy's kicking around, you know, back in the day, and runs into this chic in like an open air market or something. well she's super hot and he's super into her from the start. and she's jonsin' for him too and before you know it they hook up and they're shacking which way back then was a bit of a thing but this is just how into one another they are. but then for some reason god looks in on the dude and totally freaks out. something about the girl being the guy's sister or his brother's wife or the like and god tells him to shag his ass out of her crib or he's going to open up some real biblical whoop-ass on him. so the dude bolts but the locals catch wind of it all and everyone starts calling the girl a hoe-bag and threatening to stone her ass because she gave it up to some dude who was passing through town and turned out to be a relation. but damn, everyone was related back then so i don't know how you could avoid tapping anything less than a first cousin.
to his credit, chris was quite gifted at deciphering these modern translations. |
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| FRIENDS, LIFE, SOCIETY |
2004-12-02 |
 my home needs a new toilet. our current toilet is over 80 years old, the original, and sprays water out of the supply pipe when flushed. it has needed replaced for some time but i have struggled with the decision. you see, the world is no longer accepting of these five-gallon giant killers. they've been banned, cast onto the growing heap of products deemed poor for our environment. for me, it is a...
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2004-10-28 |
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there is a light blue box in the butter tray of my refrigerator that has the words 'vaginal ring' on it. it had some other stuff on there too but i was pretty lost in determining if having this item on my dairy shelf is a good or bad thing for me.
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