| FAMILY, LIFE, TECHNOLOGY |
2008-02-15 |
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when my mom worked for the CDC in colorado, she worked with doctors who flew all over the world treating epidemic illnesses. in their journeys they met all sorts of folks practicing all sorts of medicine. one technique a doctor brought back was a cure for hiccups. the fix went like this. for someone experiencing persistent hiccups you would pinch them on the arm or leg. the pinch would be firm so the person knew they were being pinched but not so hard it would hurt them. while pinching them you'd ask a series of questions. like the pinch, these were to be hard enough to make them think but not too hard that they couldn't answer them. the other night while putting alex down, he started hiccuping. i asked him if he wanted me to make them go away. he did. so i explained what i was going to do, pinched his arm and began my questions.
TROY
alex, whose house did we eat dinner at last night?
ALEX
sebastians?
TROY
no, not sebastians.
ALEX
uhhmm.
TROY
you don't remember where we went last night? we went there to watch a game. and you played with their little girl.
ALEX
uhhmm. i don't know.
TROY
ok. different question. what friends came over to play this weekend?
ALEX
sebastian?
TROY
no. not sebastian. it was a brother and a sister.
ALEX
sebastian and sophia?
TROY
no. these friends have red hair. and their mom does too.
ALEX
uhm.
TROY
the girls name sounds like heaven.
ALEX
i don't know.
TROY
ok. new question. when we get up in the morning and get dressed, where are we going to go?
ALEX
sebastians?
TROY
no. not sebastians. school! we are going to go to school!
ALEX
(hiccup)
not only was this the first time this has never worked, ten minutes after leaving the room, i found i had the hiccups.
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| FAMILY, LIFE, SOCIETY |
2007-08-30 |
a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today.
oma |
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| FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE |
2007-08-28 |
as mentioned last week, anthony turned one. for each of her children on their birthday marty bakes and decorates a cake of their choosing for them. so far this year marty has produced spiderman and superman cakes for alex and bella respectively. for marty, these kitchen sessions usually run late into the night and if you listen very closely you may hear a naughty word or two ring through the dark and quiet house before the work is done. but this celebration, anthony's one year, would possibly be a swear-free event because being just one he couldn't request some exotic and complex animated character. additionally, our thirteen year old niece, emma, was spending the week with us so marta actually had kitchen staff.
when i arrived home from work the day before the party there was a pan cake cooling on the counter. it wasn't one of marty's typical molds. this cake was made of two simple round cakes. a larger one for the base and a smaller one, about half the size in diameter, for the top.
TROY
what is that?
EMMA
it's anthony's birthday cake.
TROY
why'd you make him a giant nipple?
EMMA
it's not a nipple.
TROY
then what is it?
MARTY
just ignore him emma. that's what everyone else around here does.
TROY
this is not a criticism. i think a gigantic nipple for a nursing one-year old is quite thoughtful.
by the time the cake was presented the next night, the nipple-part of the nipple-cake had been lopped off and was being fobbed off as a second, sister cake. it was a worthy attempt, but insiders knew.
for all their efforts of deception, anthony still seemed keenly attuned to what was what.
and then there is the ritual i most dislike where the birthday child is allowed to eat their personal cake using nothing but their hands.
... and then even worse, feed their party guests, with those same sticky and soiled hands.
lastly, we finish the one-year birthday with a big-ole group shower. this detail usually gets left off the party invites because hallmark seems to be too fancy and proper to produce the one-year-old birthday slash group bathing party cards. hallmark, get over yourself already. it's 2007, the year of the nipple-cake.
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, LIFE, SPORT |
2007-08-07 |
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we are on our third tivo remote. the first one just wore out. bella broke the second one. and the current one began flaking out after two weeks of use. as it is, if the new remote sits idle for more than five minutes you have to take the batteries out and put them back in before any of the buttons will work. this is slightly aided by the fact that the battery compartment door went missing in the first week thus granting easier and quicker access to this routine.
miffed at how soon the replacement had been compromised and in a fit of 'why won't this damn thing stop fast forwarding' furor, i chastised the children telling them i wasn't buying another remote and if this one broke we were done and would live without tv. three days later bella in a wordless rage because the remote wasn't working ricocheted it off the corner of a coffee table. all the rubbery push buttons mysteriously disappeared somewhere inside the plastic case leaving hollow holes where they had been.
with football season around the corner and wanting to stay true to my word, two nights after the fall of the remote i disassembled the device on my desk and painstakingly put it back together. when done, i popped the batteries in and tried it. it worked. it worked better than before because bella's outburst seemed to have fixed the battery issue as well. small gifts.
for the next few days the rest of the family secretly used the remote when bella wasn't around, wanting her to think the days of television were in fact over. but alex got caught when bella came in from outside to use the restroom. later that same day bella approached me:
BELLA
can i watch my show since i didn't really break the remote and it is working?
TROY
well bella, you did in fact break the remote and it is only working because your father is a great, great man.
BELLA
so ... does that mean i can watch now?
TROY
do you think you should be able to watch now?
BELLA
well, i haven't watched for three days and that's kind of a long time.
TROY
well, since when we thought you did break the remote you wouldn't be watching for infinity days, three days isn't so much.
BELLA (sadly)
yeah ... i guess so.
TROY
and for the sake of easier math let's say infinity days equals 1,000 days of which you are three days in. now what do you think is fair?
BELLA (contemplatively with finger on chin)
uhhm ... three weeks.
TROY
done.
since i was expecting her to say four days, i was pleased with her self-imposed twenty-one. and, if you're ever at our house and want to watch tv, the remote is stashed in marty's underwear drawer. we originally hid it in my desk but bella woke me up one morning with it in her hand asking if her days were over yet so we had to relocate it while she slept.
and, in fairness i must add in regard to how our kids treat electronics i got some insight from alex after he and i sat down to watch a show. when i turned the tv on, a horrible screeching sound came out of the speakers. without a moment of thought alex got up from the couch, walked to the tv and struck it hard on the side with his little fist. in a snit i asked him what he thought he was doing. walking back to the couch he simply said, "that's what mom does" and sat down next to me. to his and his mother's credit, the shrill screeching did stop.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-07-18 |
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some of the neighborhood ladies have been convening about a smooth-talking salesman that's been trolling our streets. since he works during the day, he mostly catches the stay-at-home moms. when he approaches one he quickly opens with some insightful and relevant compliment and then seamlessly rolls into a friendly course of banter. by the time he begins pitching his wares the ladies are engaged enough that they feel unable to snub or refuse him outright as if he were some perfect stranger trying to wrangle money from their home equity lines. in one of their sidewalk pow-wows about the topic one of the ladies suggested what they often suggest when uncertain of an answer to an everyday and possibly awkward situation, "we should ask marty. marty will know what to do." marty is the no-frills, cut-to-the-chase, nip-it-in-the-bud mom on the block.
an example. a few years back we were at a bbq at a neighbors house. there were about six families there and kids were running and screaming inside and out. a small group of parents were standing in the kitchen talking when a kid came running in from the backyard. the child's father stopped him and told him to go back outside because his feet were dirty and he was going to track mud on the floor. the five year old looked at him, turned and ran on, ignoring the instruction. the man looked back to the group passing a hand in the air towards the now gone child and said:
THE FATHER
what am supposed to do with that? the kid listens to nothing.
A MOTHER
at least he stopped when you addressed him. mine don't even do that.
THE HOSTESS (while mixing a salad)
you should ask marty. marty knows what to do.
THE FATHER (turning to marty who was quietly standing in the room)
so marty. what should i do?
MARTY
are you really asking me this?
THE FATHER
yes i am.
MARTY
you go get him, you sit his ass in a chair and you tell him he's on time out for five minutes for not listening.
THE FATHER
sit him on a chair huh? like he'd stay.
MARTY
you make him stay. you're a grown man john. are you telling me you can't hold a forty pound child on a chair for five minutes. i've held two down while making brownies and talking on the phone.
so you see. marty is viewed as a bit of a problem-solver in our neck of the woods. her advice might not always be in agreement with all folks, but the girl always has a position and in these hectic, break-neck days that seems to count for something. so when the neighborhood women were stymied by the pearly-toothed home security salesmen they came to marty. they explained the scenario and marty quietly listened. quietly that is until they got to the part of the episode where if the lady starts leaning towards the husband-card, the man quickly says "oh, if i'm talking to wrong person here, i can come back when the decision-maker of the home is in." when marty heard this she guffawed, like one of those great full-belly guffaws. when done she told the ladies that if he appeared on our stoop and made that implication she would say: "oh the man of the house? yeah, he's tied to tree in the backyard for sassin' me. you should go talk to him. he'd probably enjoy the company."
hearing marty so confidently regale the now-laughing ladies in front of our house gives me a sense of pride in being paired with a woman of such conviction. that said, when the laughter dies and the everyone is back in the homes, the strong words resonate in my head leaving a slight chill because of the bravado and confidence in which they were stated. it's almost as if this thing has already happened. or in the least could happen. at any rate, on days i don't update the site, you now may have an inkling as to why.
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| ENTERTAINMENT, LIFE, SOCIETY |
2007-07-11 |
in regard to my wistful helmet-free bike memory yesterday, i'm in a bit of a snit over this. i predict that within twenty years all children will wear helmets while simply walking around out of doors. why? because some kid in minnesota will have tripped on an uneven seam of sidewalk thus illuminating the obvious perils of cement-based ambulation. and our children will then share their wistful recollections of a youth rife with chasing lightning bugs and playing hop-scotch sans headgear.
on the positive side, head sheaths of the future will be much more stylish and unobtrusive.
and speaking of head-related peril, i recently had one of my most surreal conversations ever. me and this guy, breckenridge pete, were talking about the sopranos and he was telling me about his three points of contention with the show. if you haven't watched the whole series and plan to ... stop reading because spoilers follow ... he primarily cited three plot-lines he was dissatisfied with:
- the lack of closure on adrianna's disappearance.
- the lack of closure on the pending rico case against tony.
- and like many others, the lack of closure with the ending itself.
i defended the last point by saying there isn't a follower of the show that won't remember HOW the sopranos ended. he quietly nodded in agreement and then went on to add:
BRECKENRIDGE PETE
and, i didn't like the phil leotardo hit either.
TROY
why not? too wacky with the car and the head and the puking youngsters.
BRECKENRIDGE PETE
no, not that. it's just that a human head is stronger than you think.
TROY
WHAT! are you telling me that an SUV wouldn't have rolled over a guy's head like that.
BRECKENRIDGE PETE
not if it was just rolling out of gear like that. no way.
TROY
really?
BRECKENRIDGE PETE
really. it would never happen. the human skull is actually quite rigid.
TROY
you say this with some level of conviction. do i want to know how you've come to believe this?
BRECKENRIDGE PETE
i'm guessin' not.
and i'm guessin' breckenridge pete might buck some current day notions were his kids were still members of the trikes and skates contingent. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-06-05 |
a new TROYSCRIPT was posted today.
now? |
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-02-20 |
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before having children somewhere in my body existed a bucket that held my patience. pre-kids it wasn't so much a bucket as a thimble. now that i'm almost six years into the journey my thimble has been stretched, pulled and contorted into a larger container, now approximately the size of a dixie cup. when i wake up from a night's rest, the cup is full. as the day wears on its contents are slowly drained. by the time the kids' night routine is underway i'm typically running a finger along the sides hoping to find even a trace amount of residual moisture. sunday night, my circling finger found nothing but parched, dry surface. the scientific term for this parental state is 'screwed'.
i had just filled the tub and called the kids to the bathroom. after noisily entering the small room i instructed them to strip. alex started raising his shirt over his head and quickly got tangled in the maneuver. while i was extracting him bella noticed the steamed-over mirror, climbed onto the pedestal sink and began drawing a picture in the sweat. after getting alex naked and in the tub i addressed bella.
TROY
bella. get naked.
BELLA
one minute.
TROY
you've already had your minute. i want you down, naked and in the tub now.
BELLA
one minute dad.
TROY
that's two bella.
BELLA
i said one minute. i'm drawing a lamb.
TROY
that's three. you just lost a book.
BELLA (wheels around to face me)
father! i said one minute! you don't have to be so harsh with me!
i paused, lowered my head, drew in a breath and felt a few drops mysteriously fall into my cup of patience as if someone mercifully wrung the water from a cloth above. i sat on the side of tub facing bella who was now off the sink and undressing. as she moved to get in the tub, i stopped her and said she was right and i didn't have to be so harsh with her and i was sorry i lost my temper. she leaned in and hugged me saying it was ok giving me a few consolatory pats on the back. she then moved past me to climb in the tub excitedly asking alex if he wanted to play the find-the-soap game. many days i feel outmatched and ill-equipped (tiny-ass patience cup) in this game.
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| FAMILY, LIFE |
2007-01-16 |
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TROY
see, i told you if we moved your desk over there, you'd be able to see the tv while you work.
MARTY
you didn't tell me anything.
TROY
though, the one downside is now you don't get to see me riding on the bike trainer at night.
MARTY
yeah, missing you biking in your swim suit with a cut-off t-shirt and flip-flops leaves a real void in my day.
marty's newborn-fatigue is nearing the five month mark. in this advanced state, she ain't exactly the best sweet-talker in town. then again, she's never really been known for sugar-coating a message, even with a full night of sleep.
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| ENTERTAINMENT, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LIFE |
2007-01-12 |
 poophead — when alex gets upset or excited or happy or is basically conscious, this is the word he is most likely saying. in example:
alex, do you want a glass of milk?
no. i want a glass of poophead.
alex, is this your toy?
no, it is your poophead.
alex, if you're going to cry, you need to go to your room.
no poophead! you go to your poophead room ...
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