my home needs a new toilet. our current toilet is over 80 years old, the original, and sprays water out of the supply pipe when flushed. it has needed replaced for some time but i have struggled with the decision. you see, the world is no longer accepting of these five-gallon giant killers. they've been banned, cast onto the growing heap of products deemed poor for our environment. for me, it is a fear of today's 1.6 gallon dixie cup tanks that has kept me white-knuckling this relic for so long.

but the time has come. in discussing matters, marty and i discovered we have different priorities for the new fixture. she wants, unsurprisingly, an environmentally aware receptacle that handles matters efficiently, even intelligently (dual flush models). and, i want a bidet option. the bathroom in question does not have room for a second appliance which is limiting but in researching the technology, there are space-conscious and souped-up toilet seats which provide equal facilities. like toto's water shooting wands that appear magically out of nowhere, apparitions bringing cleanliness not only to one's nether-region but also their mind and spirit. laugh all you will but in japan, these ultra-seats are more common than microwaves, virtually every home has one.

so given this duplicitous need i knew home depot's standard line of fodder would not suffice and i had to decide how to proceed. ultimately, i surmised that if you want the best, you must go to who has the best; the rich. in my city the affluent live in hamlets named things like ladue or frontenac or town and country. these burbs are sprinkled with specialty stores of every sort. many are appointment-based and all employ only the most handsome of salespeople regardless of the product. so imagine the thin and well-appointed woman with the $200 blouse and weekly spa treatment working in one of these porcelain showrooms fielding my questions:

when my friend big dog visits from colorado, is he going to get the better of this top-dollar commode? because i assure you, big dog has one of the most horrific eating plans not to mention exercise regiments you've ever seen.

how does this thing handle a matchbox car being flushed down it?

did you know that my current toilet has been breaking the backs of loggerheads since before hitler came to power?

does one have to spread their cheeks apart in order for the wand-dealy to work?

it seems not everyone is as hungry for commissions as you might think this christmas season. may you enjoy your holiday more than my sales lady seems to be.