i've been showering daily (mostly) since i've been old enough to stand under a spray of water. it wasn't until LEVER soap's 1000 parts ad campaign came out that i realized what a suck job i was doing at bathing myself. when i first saw the commercial i'm sure i took it in with a wide-open mouth. 1000 body parts! frick! i counted out on fingers my known body pieces, bathing-wise, and came up about 973 parts short. ten years later, i'm proud to report that i have that number of missing scrub-points whittled down to a respectable, yet mysterious 946.

this experience raises a newly relevant point; how do you teach a kid to bathe, properly at least? i think when they're at an age to understand what should be occurring and why it needs to happen you probably ought not be in the shower with them anymore. by the time i first saw other adults shower, i was stupefied at what a busy and methodical process they employed. i had for sure assumed everyone just leaned in the corner of the stall letting the water run over them for fifteen minutes before spending ninety seconds washing the seven most obvious areas of their body. well, now that i've seen the process modeled, i know better and shape up whenever i think someone can see me bathing, well unless that someone is bella or alex because they don't know what the hell is going on yet anyway so i get a bit of a free pass with them.

if you, or whoever taught you, would be available to come over to my house and work on my showering technique, i'd be willing to pay whatever the going rate for such a service is. and yes, i have thought to approach some of the better washers at my local gym but based on their reactions i'm led to believe the shower room is not where these services are meant to be solicited. so if you're interested, drop me a line, with photographic samples of your qualifications of course, and i look forward to working with you.