growing up i remember goofing on my mom at how quickly she could get emotional at something. i have a crazy, vivid memory of a coke commercial that ran for awhile in the eighties that made her cry not just once but upon every viewing. it depicted a family adopting a little girl and then raising her, showing pivotal snippets of maturation (riding a bike, blowing out birthday candles, graduating high school). after it ran one time i looked over and saw my mother brushing a tear from her cheek. incredulously i asked how she could go from being perfectly fine to crying in less than 30 seconds. it was a full-on marvel to me. and yes, i get now how simple and tone-deaf i was to not realize why such things, like pulling a child from an orphanage and giving them a loving home to thrive in, might land as they did with my mother while sitting next to her own adopted child. what can i say, i'm a slow study.

as with many things in parenthood the pendulum has swung, and it has swung wide and high. now my kids spot my emotional tides with the heightened acumen of birds of prey. their keen eyes rarely miss an extra beat in a response to something or a quick brush of my cheek during movie-night. and yes, even 30 second commercials can make my chest constrict and throat harden no matter how i strive to ignore the sensations. and yes, my kids laugh and mock me just as i did my own mother some forty years earlier.

i thought to share this story because of yesterday's post (bella's essay on Thankfuls). what happened was this. bella found me sitting on the couch and sat down next to me. she handed me two printed pages and asked if i would read this essay she wrote for a class (i help the kids with their english stuff and marty handles all other schoolwork). i took the pages from bella and began reading. bella could tell when i was done because i lifted my eyes from the pages but i didn't say anything.

BELLA
well. whatda think?

TROY
(silence)

BELLA (leaning over to see me more clearly)
what? wait. are you crying?

TROY (turning my head from her)
no, i'm not crying.

BELLA
you're crying! dude! how can you even cry that fast? that's like a ninety second read.

in my defense it was not a full cry but the essay definitely brought a misting to my eyes that wasn't there two minutes earlier. i wish i could explain it but i can't. there's just something about seeing your kids become adults that can knock you back now and again. there's that and the equally plausible possibility that my mom is getting me back for all the times i goofed on her when i was young and seemingly emotionless.