End of an Era, Part II

End of an Era Part I here.

Logic dictates that when one thing ends, another thing begins, and this new era has plenty of interesting fodder in the folds. For one, it, the new era, is marked by Marty and I being the parents of three grown children. There are many curious things about watching your children step into the world without you on their hip. Hearing their reactions and responses to what they encounter in the wild is delightful in a way you would not predict. A few standouts:

1. Seeing how other homes operate
Watching our kids realize that their experience in our home is unique and that all homes don't operate the same way is sometimes as suprising to us as it is to them. Here are a few of the observations they've brought back:

• If you interviewed many of my friends, you would guess a parent's job is to see how much they can mess their child up. (This was followed by Marta and I getting an attaboy for not doing that to our three)
• Did you know that people drink tea without sugar in it? (I did not and/but why would they do that?)
• It kind of seems that, like, just anyone can have kids. (This is Marty's favorite comment)
• Why do you have a lock on your bathroom door? What does someone do if they need in there while you are in there? (Our home's record is two in the shower, one on the toilet, and one at the sink--though I feel like we once had all five of us in there.)

2. Getting to experience the world through the eyes of your children.
As I type this, Aleo is in the Netherlands in a study abroad program. And as I type this, Bella is there too, taking quick advantage of having a reason to go to Europe. It was all she could do to wait long enough for Alex to get assigned a room and unpack his bags before she arrived. It is a little unsettling having two of your three children not even on the same continent as you. And two nights ago, Anthony told us he is glad he was not an only child because the house is very quiet with just three people in it—yes, however, do only children survive? That same question may have floated through my own head no less than 16,534 times.

As for the diversity we get to hear about. Bella just graduated college and is in the late-stage rounds of interviews for her first big-girl job. Alex is in his second year as a film major. And Anthony, now a high school junior, is landing the only perfect scores at his school on Stoichiometry Chemistry tests (as a sophomore) and is now splitting time there and at a trade school training to become a plumber or electrician.

3. Having your children parenting one another
I thought the other day how low-impact parenting becomes after all your children have driver's licenses. Granted, the air isn't as free and clear as it was in your pre-kid twenties given the number of kid-related worries/thoughts/hopes that pass through your mind's conveyor belt every waking day. But what once felt like a fire hose in the face now more resembles the easy flow of a garden hose. But I've observed one of the reasons why. I have, on multiple occasions, overheard my children parenting one another, in a sense.

I've heard Anthony advising Alex on how he might handle a social situation. I've seen Alex helping Bella with technical things that would have fallen to me in the past. I've heard Bella remind the boys of their fortunate start in life, which is why they HAVE to make the most of the opportunities before them and not squander what they have been given.

Someone hearing about that last bit expressed concern that Bella was putting undue pressure on her brothers. I disagreed. Our kids should take great advantage of their safe and competent start they were gifted. Not appreciating or leveraging what they have been given (health, love, safety, stability, education ... this is a list that could go on a long while) would be an absolute crime to all of those who did not win that lottery. BUT there is merit in defining what is meant by the making-the-most-of standard. For some, this might point to becoming collegiate athletes or doctors or commanding 6-figure salaries. But that is not our home's standard of success—if it were, Marty and I would be deemed abject failures.

In an odd but not unusual conversation with Anthony, Marty expounded upon a compliment she paid him. She told him that she thought he would be very good at X. She then quickly clarified this by ensuring him she was not saying he should go do X, just that if he did go that way, he would likley be successful. She made the point to clarify this because she said if she got killed in a car accident on the way home, she didn't want him to go through life thinking he had to fulfill this thing for his mother, like it was her dying wish for him. She has heard where kids carried things like that, to great sadness, and this was not her intent. She went on to say that her hope for him, for all of her children, was that each of them could afford their own apartment or home and that it had a dishwasher and they had a reliable car. And if that home had a clothes washer and dryer, well then, you know you have fully arrived. That is her hope for her children.

My hope is they continue to join us on occasion for dinner, and that when they do, they regale the table with their experiences and observations and share the things that have brought them joy and growth and made them laugh since we were last together. In support of this, Marty and I will continue to improve our food-making game, so in the very off-chance the conversation isn't as rich and memorable as it could be, at least the meal you had was a tasty one.