we recently went through the one year anniversary of mom's passing. it was far harder than i expected. i think before then part of me had been holding my breath thinking it wasn't real or a dream and that i'd wake up or she'd call. after a year i had to finally exhale and accept that it is real and it is final. i ache mightily in this realization. she just died too soon. it was her time, her turn to relax and be cared for and she didn't get this reward for all the love and nurturing she rained on those around her. this makes me infinitely sad. i know that she is in me, hermetically connected to my actions, my manner, my spirit, but i still miss her so.

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we visited my father on the weekend of the anniversary and it was hard (truth is i've just been out a handful of times since the funeral). i don't know how he lives there. walking in is so hard for me. i have learned more about my father in the last year than i have in the prior forty one. through this, my like, love, respect, and sorrow for him have all grown exponentially. i'm suddenly sad for the short time i'll have with him in this manner.

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