A few months after Marty and I were married, we had an unfortunate incident. We were both getting ready for work. I had just showered and was at my desk working on my computer. Marty just finished her morning shower.

Troy! Come here!

Give me a minute. I’m finishing something.

No! You need to come here. Now! There’s a giant bug. It has me trapped in the bathroom.

A bug? Step over it. I’m in the middle of something.

I can’t. It’s too big.

Too big? Just step over it. I’ll get it in a minute.

(I keep working. a few minutes later, Marty calls me again.)

When are you coming?

What? You’re still in there?

Yes! I told you I’m trapped.

Super annoyed, I stand and walk towards the bathroom. What I see in the hallway blocking the bathroom door stops me dead. It is the BIGGEST cockroach I’ve ever seen in my life. When I see it, I freeze, hoping not to be noticed. But I didn’t stop soon enough because the cockroach’s frame cocks a little to one side and then, taking three deliberate, visible steps, pivots to face me. I swear I can detect a look of annoyance on its face that now it has two of us big, gross, soft-skinned creatures to deal with instead of one.

Partially relevant to this story is that I’m wearing just a towel, having just showered, and Marty is completely naked, having really just showered.

Oh my god. That thing’s huge!

I know. I told you.

You said it was big. You didn’t say it was the size of a small dog.

What are you going to do?

I scan the room and see a Tupperware bowl on our dining room table. I grab it. The cockroach starts slowly moving towards me, leaving the doorway unguarded. I back up, container defensively in hand. Marty pokes her head out the doorway, now behind the creature. She pops out of the bathroom and runs along the opposite wall of the room to come behind me. The cockroach is continuing its slow amble, yes, amble, towards me. Marty and I are inching backward at a matched pace.

After a few retreating steps, Marty pushes me in the back, telling me to catch it already. I step back more, telling her not to push me. I get the container situated in my hand and study the crustacean’s motion, steeling myself for my moment.

Feeling I have a bead on its trajectory, I step forward and start microscopically lowering the upside-down container. Seconds before I drop the trap, as if sensing its imprisonment, the cockroach jets forward, right at my exposed toes. Stunned at his sudden burst, I lurch back, lose my grasp on the container and turn to run. The first thing I encounter is a fully naked Marty who stands upright in surprise. I put my hands up to absorb the shock of running into her. This causes her to fall backward onto the carpeted ground. To not step on her, I jump over her, losing my towel in the commotion, and sprint to the next room.

Once safely away, I turn to see my naked wife sprawled on the floor, still stunned from the fall. Thankfully, the cockroach halted its charge and once again held its menacing ground. I came back and helped Marty up with an eye on our assailant the whole while. I grabbed the container, and before the tumult ended, dropped it on the intruder.

Ok. That was close.

Yeah. My hero. Thanks for leaving me behind.

Hey. I came back and I caught it.

You came back after you knocked me down and left me for food.

You saw that thing. When you can make out the expression on a bug’s face, it’s everyone for themselves.

After this moment happened, I had no idea it was the first of many future encounters. Since then, I have dealt with numerous bugs, some bigger and some smaller. I once got a bat out of our house. Of all my victories, Marty was most impressed watching me clear our sleeping porch of a swarm of confused hornets whose nest in an exterior wall most inconveniently connected with a loose piece of plaster on an interior wall. The look she gave me on that day was pretty much the exact opposite look she gave me after our naked battle with the giant cockroach. It may be worth noting that a surprising number of those bug, bat, and hornet encounters happened while one, or both, of us were partially clothed.